Is he messing with me?
WINTERDAYZ75 - Feb 4 2023 at 22:59
A guy I had a date (one date) with 10 years ago got in touch with me, out of the blue, via social media 8 months ago. I was the one on our date 10 years ago that thanked him for our date (just drinks) and said I didn't want to date him, he was accepting of that and we went our separate ways. He was the first date I'd had after my break up from my partner of several years. I realised on my date with the guy I met that although we had a nice time and hit it off I wasn't ready to date, I got cold feet.
Anyway.. fast forward back to 8 months ago when he got in touch with me, he said he'd seen me about a fair bit of late (we live 5 min walk from one another) and thought he'd reach out and say hello, see if I'd like to catch up. Seeing as we'd got on well on our date many years back I thought it would be nice to catch up. We met up and went for a walk and chatted the whole time (a good few hours). Over the galloping weeks we met up for walks, picnics, and round his for coffees and dinner. After about a month we slept together (didn't stay over). This continued for about another month then he started to go quiet on me, then said he needed space. I gave him space, said when he was ready to talk I'd be there. He didn't contact me for a week, then I went on holiday and texted me throughout the week I was away. On my return we met up, and he told me he couldn't be in a relationship with me as he struggled with his emotions, and he said he felt aftaid to get close, which is why he went quiet on me. He apologised for hurting me by ending things, but asked if we could remain friends and hang out, to which I agreed. We continued to catch up for walks and coffee (at his) over the next 3 or 4 months, I enjoyed our chats and his company. He'd always reach out for a hug before I left, we'd text throughout the week back n forth. I was going through a particularly rough time with my father being unwell and in hospital and caring for him as well as supporting my mum and brother too, and felt very lonely, so having his friendship and company was nice.
Mid Novemebr last year though, he began stroking my arm/leg whilst we sat together and became more affectionate towards me. I told him that it felt a bit confusing him doing that as we were friends after all. He apologised. As we entered into December, he began to text more often, and call me too, he'd only ever texted me until now. He was also talking more about the times we slept together and how nice it was, he began complimenting me more saying I was beautiful both inside and out. When I needed his help with a few things regarding my parents, he offered his help. I aas feeling quite confused by this point, he was behaving like he was interested in me again, like our friendship had made him realise we might have something together, like he wanted to try again. I held back tho, I felt confused. Xmas eve, he asked me if I wanted to come round for dinner. I stayed for dinner, and drinks. We sat on the sofa together watching TV and he was hugging and holding me, kissing my head and stroking my hair. I hugged him back, and held his hand, but no more than that, I felt unsure if I wanted this to go where I felt it might be. He asked me if I wanted to stay over and I said I didn't. He seemed sad as I left. Xmas day and boxing day we texted back n forth, he was saying he wished I'd stayed over so he could wake up next to me, I was saying how unsure I felt and confused as he'd already said many months before that he'd not wanted a relationship. With everything else going on, with being alone over Xmas (my children were at their fathers) and generally feeling really quite low and lonely, I began questioning myself and overthinking things ending up with feeling more confused that ever. The day after Boxing day, I went to his (my friend) for a coffee, we chatted, I cried, he hugged me, we kissed, we ended up in bed together.. in the following weeks into the new year, he continued to text a lot more, call a few times a week, and I'd go round for a coffee, natter, and we'd sleep together. I never stayed over as I have my children at home (late teens in age) to care for. Then 2 weeks ago he went quiet on me, texts dwindled to one or two a week with a quick hi, and if I texted he'd not respond at all or until the next day. Then this Friday, he texted all chatty and same again today and asking if I wanted to come by for a coffee. I went round, we sat and had a coffee and chatted, then he leant in and hugged me and kissed me.. we slept together. About 10 min after he got up and we got dressed, he kissed me goodbye and I went home. Usually we'd have laid in bed together chatting for a good hour or so before I'd head home.. I felt used today.. and to be honest its a strong feeling of having been used.
I really don't know what to think about us if their even is an us as he avoids talking about it saying he enjoys my company, and to let it be what it is. Which is what?
I'm a little confused. You write about coffee, chats, him being a friend to you, how he's told you he can't be in a relationship. But you slept with him, without talking about what that means to each of you. We're human, things like that happen.
You both sound sad and lonely. I won't say he's not using you, kind of sounds like he is, but you have the option of sleeping with him if you want, and not sleeping with him if you don't. I suspect in a lot of cases (painting with a broad brush, here) women have the gut feeling, "If I sleep with ____, s/he'll fall in love with me." It doesn't work like that, I KNOW, I've done the same. And I've had the FWB thing, which worked for a little while. Did that fellow use me? Maybe a little, but he was honest about what he could offer, and what was off the table. It fulfilled MY needs for a while, too. I reached a point where I wanted more than that. If we met up for lunch/coffee/drinks, would he offer to bed me? I suspect he would. It doesn't mean I'd be obligated to sleep with him. Not even if he was friendly, flirty, engaging and considerate.
Men like sex, I hear. A lot. Most won't turn down the opportunity if someone seems like-minded. If an individual is of the opinion that sex should only occur in meaningful, committed relationships, it is in that person's best interest to have that clothes-on conversation about what sex means to him/her, hopefully before going to bed. It certainly should happen before it becomes a pattern.
I think I would feel a little used, too. He's refused to discuss it, and you've not set boundaries for yourself. You want more than what this fellow can (or is willing) to give you. "...he avoids talking about it..." He's telling you he can't commit, without saying those words. This is who he is, today. You can't change anything about HIM. You have all the control over what YOU do. You can accept this for whatever it is (FWB, and basically he is in the driver's seat) or you can say to yourself, "This isn't enough for me. I'm going to look for a relationship with someone who treats me better."
BTW, I emailed FWB guy when I was ready to move on. Not really a dick move; no point in driving over an hour to meet and have me say, "Oh, I'm not sleeping with you, it's over." I told him honestly that continuing to sleep with was creating more emotional involvement with him, and I needed to stop so I'd have room in my heart for someone new. I even admitted that I was giving up a sure thing, (him) for the unknown. I might never find another partner, I told him, but I was going to try. And once I'd decided a new man of my own was what I wanted, it was easier to wave good-bye. And HONESTLY, maybe the FWB served me, too, for a while. I could look forward to seeing Mr. Right Now, and not have to spend time and effort to maintain a real relationship.
If you tell him sex is no longer happening, be prepared that he'll promise to do better. You KNOW he has a pattern of being considerate and charming- for a little while. Re-engage at your own risk.
He's using you ..and you're allowing yourself to be used.
This is a tale of two or one lonely, desperate with low self esteem trying to cling unto one another because of it.
He came back because you allowed it.
He came back to use you as a placeholder until someone else comes along, and to perhaps make someone jealous enough to come back to him.
There weren't any more dates and he ghosted you 10 years ago because he wasn't interested, and more than likely you gave off a needy clingy very desperate vibes and he was scared off..
Now he's back because he remembered how much you were into him and how attached you were. Basically he's back because of the things that turned him off 10 years ago.
He's lonely and he wants a person. You'll do for now.
Cut off all ties with him permanently. Block and delete and do not respond or initiate.
Also, please learn to love and respect yourself in perhaps therapy.