Why people I left behind haunt me
PINKCOOKIE - Feb 25 2023 at 04:14
Hello, Im writing because I dont know what to do,or how to deal with this situation
At the present Im a young adult going to university.Back 4 years ago, I was in high school, and only had 1 friend, at that time, I was pretty shy , insecure and I was battling
my own demons, so I highly validated the friend I had.
From the side of my friend, she used to put me down a lot of times about my physical appearance,about who I was,and even the house I lived in, I tried to help her everytime I saw she needed and she completly discarted my help.I lived under the illusion that my friendship was good because I was afraid to be alone.
Everything accumulated inside me.The time came when we had to apply to university and she let me down again.I felt in my heart that she was taking advantage of me and I told myself it was enough.
I took out all my frustrations via messages to her, saying I didnt want to see her again or be her friend.It was turbulent messages,I was really angry,mad and sad, I had enough of her excuses.
I freed myself from this toxic friendship to start new.(so I thought)in a new university ,with new people and dreams to follow.
(Reminder:this old friend went to the same university as me, she will be named Ruth)
During university I also didn't get along wth a person I worked with because she treated me as a slave during the work, putting all the pressure in my shoulders, while she did nothing,I tried to talk to her and she never apologized.
I saw this as someone trying to take advantage of me again so I cut her off, because my lesson was learned from my old friend experience ( this person will be called Ana)
Now at the end I defended a friend of mine from someone that I also considered a friend, I told her that I didn't agree with her actions,because I wanted to be honest as a friend should be. (This person will be called Joanne)
Joanne didn't like my attitude, and united with Ruth my old friend
What i didn't know is that all this all this time during 4 years Ruth had prints of our last conversations saved ( this is sick and obsessive) and showed to Joanne.
They started to gossip about me about how toxic I am,that I only cause confusion and fights,they tried to turn a really dear friend of mine against me.
And now Ana also joined, and did the same thing, they all hate me.
I feel that Ruth never accepted that I didn't want to be her friend, we went to the same university, and despite everything I never talked bad about her to anyone,
the only thing i wanted was to live my life, in my corner and she would live hers, the only thing i wanted was to be at PEACE.I never talked or tried to talk to her, stalked her or even look at her.
But the simple fact that we were in the same classroom made her "expose me" in her public instagram stories, triggering my anxiety.I had to message her to stop,threatening her to tell the university.Behind my back she poisoned my friend to also hate me.
Now I came to know this 3 people made a pdf "exposing me" with all the "proof" and 4 year ago "prints" proving that Im a "snake".
Im really depressed at this point, I have my own personal issues, I just want to know.
If I did them so wrong like they say, why are they so obessed with me and with breaking me, why they cant leave me alone, and move on with their lifes.
I mooved on long ago, but this old friend always tries to find a way to haunt me.
Im lost in how to act or do.
Please help me
I am sorry that you are in the difficult situation you are in, and that you are suffering. Ruth put you down a lot during high school. One day you had enough of it and you sent her very angry messages online and ended the "friendship". She kept those messages and now uses them to ruin your reputation at university and turn them against you, presenting you to others as.. a bad person, basically.
"I just want to know. If I did them so wrong like they say, why are they so obsessed with me and with breaking me, why they can't leave me alone, and move on with their lives... I'm lost in how to act or do"-
-I think that they are obsessed with hurting you because they enjoy it. Many people get a satisfaction ganging against an individual, there is even a term for it: MOBBING. You can read about it online. Here is what I suggest: (1) In general, do not send messages online that can be used against you. Instead, assert yourself in-person and do so wisely: learn and practice effective ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS, (2) the "fire" is ongoing, do not add fuel to that fire. With no more fuel (your expressed/ observable hurtful and angry reactions to their harassment), the fire may die, (3) See a counselor in the university in regard to the mobbing that you are experiencing and ask for intervention from the university.
What do you think about my suggestions?
"If I did them so wrong like they say, why are they so obessed with me and with breaking me, why they cant leave me alone, and move on with their lifes. I mooved on long ago, but this old friend always tries to find a way to haunt me."
Yes, why can't they, indeed. You're not the first to have asked that, sadly, and won't be the last.
Answer: because that's only what NORMAL, HEALTHY, REASONABLE, RATIONAL (sane) people do, whereas, this woman sounds very (too) much like a Narcissist - either a Benign/Classic, normally (currently 'cranked up' the scale, thanks to the "Narcissistic Injury" you 'dealt', which won't stop feeling fresh until she gets enough revenge), or a Malignant all of the time and you're only just seeing and appreciating her magnitude because, lately, you've dared to 'rebel' (managed to grow enough confidence to benefit from your right to vote with your feet).
In either case you need to take Amie's intelligent, sensible advice.
She sounded Narcissistic right from when you were first 'friends', in fact (you were a friend, she wasn't), trying to make you feel rotten too much of the time, though taking advantage of the fact you felt you needed her (- they do that). Having you over a barrel (or so she thought), where it feels impossible to assert yourself (it is - your survival programme won't allow it at first), meant she could get away with her disgusting mistreatment (aimed to feel taller/cleverer by bashing/dumbing you down) without fear of confrontation (they detest having to answer to anything). Plus, they're not friends (incapable), they're competitors...and the malignants, sadistic tormentors with it. But all are basically, emotionally, stunted kids whose bodies, only, continued to grow...hence why her method makes you feel you're back in the school playground with the bully and other gobsmackingly mean kids.
Everything is anywhere between a competition, downright battle, and all-out psychological warfare - as you can now see for yourself. "Hit or be hit", and, "get in there first!".
Additionally, this (er) 'young woman's' molls (Like Attracts Like - or they're gullible, duped via just one side of the (twisted) story) are acting exactly like "Flying Monkeys".
THESE are the type of "many people" who are notorious for being unshakeably vindictive and vengeful (hold grudges for far too long...completely overreactive) - especially when you ("oh no!") exercise your perfect rights/needs/privileges/perks (only they're allowed - they're the star!), including to end your friendship/relationship (Red rag to a bull) and whom enjoy causing their 'rejector' (their lackey who's somehow escaped from under their thumb) pain and humiliation to "punish" them for not having stayed and let them treat you as badly as they (too often) had an urge to and destroy your self-esteem.
Being fake friends, just competitors, even a 'break-up' is a competition/war. By 'dumping' her, you wrongfoot-ed her and 'made' her feel inferior which completely threatened her 'superiority' - to herself (ironically, these bad//horrid people's brains can't cope with considering that they've been bad/horrid)...when they always work SO HARD to delude themselves that they're perfect, gorgeous and lovely no matter WHAT they do/fail to do to others...they think they're above normal social rules, roles, etiquettes, manners, morals...
Even if they hate you (which is inevitable and unavoidable if you don't take crap lying down and are a truth-sayer, thanks to their missing or atrophied mental human-human relationship 'programme') - they still won't let you go, either as I say because they've got revenge to get/finish or you're too useful/vital because, truth was always, they need YOU...to keep feeding their ego and outrageous self-delusions (and pay their way, depending on severity).
What she and her Flying Monkeys (and duped ones) are doing is called, "the Narcissist's Smear Campaign" and is another standard reaction for the overriding majority of them. (I presume she had foreknowledge that you'd be attending the same uni?)
Watch this (for starters). It's by long-term once-victim-survivor, now-expert, Melanie Tonya Evans:
Narcissistic Smear Campaigns: Expose The Lies & Bring The Truth To Light:
She mentions "you" in there, re angry/anguished/desperate (usually last-ditch effort) emails taken out of time and context - even order - ...and edited down to-suit, no doubt.... and basically agrees: why WOULDN'T you have sent them at the time!
But that's the reason for why you musn't react. She wants you to, and in emotionally overwrought fashion so that she can point to you and say, 'Look, look, see, I told you she was mental!". Do a Nigella Lawson (called Grey Rock), while you take the proper ADULT route, as per Amie's advice, to getting this stopped. I suggest you tell both the uni counsellor and whomever's in charge (head of your year?) I imagine you'd be able to look it up on the web re the uni's anti-bullying & harrassment policy and a helpful "How To" guide vis-a-vis their reports/complaints procedure.
Do it all silently, furtively, insisting on full confidentiality. They know what to do...this is nowadays a sore topic with universities.
ALWAYS report bullies to whatever authority or superiors. Bullies rely on your silence for getting to draw it out or get away with it.
Feel free to keep posting with us while this situation is going on. Moral support and confidence, and all that. :-)
PS: This bit:
"During university I also didn't get along wth a person I worked with because she treated me as a slave during the work, putting all the pressure in my shoulders, while she did nothing,I tried to talk to her and she never apologized.
I saw this as someone trying to take advantage of me again so I cut her off, because my lesson was learned from my old friend experience ( this person will be called Ana)"
This sort of stunted, nasty kid in grown-up suit is like, you're in the ocean and a shark has bitten you. Blood in the water. The other predators smell a molecule of it and think: Ahah! A tasty morsel.
Nice, healthy, normal people don't BEHAVE like that, don't TREAT other people like that! That's why you don't, I don't, Amie doesn't, OldMainer doesn't (she just wants everyone to be happy - what all nice people with empathy say!). So you know it's true.
Or you will when you've had a good, long surf, anyway.
It's not you. So, you're forthright as well as truth-speaking. Half the population ADORE that as a quality. Imagine yourself with another truth-speaker - no problems anywhere, Harmony Central! It's only LIARS who try to shut you up/shut you down. Any otherwise normals who lie, they just - as you put it - move away from you and get on with their own lives.
You're certainly not alone.
PPS: also, despite it feels horrid, have faith that this is a good thing (which all victims go through...same grieving path, same everything): you're ready for better quality people in your life. And you'll start to get them, it's just first, you'll need to grieve and quarantine yourself a bit - which is GREAT for peripherally training you to start to naturally be capable of having fun without another person in the room, it'll avoid that 'over a barrel' situation from ever happening again..."I'd rather be alone than un-ha-ppy' - Whitney.
This is your 'ripening' period. Once you hit it, by then having formed routines/hobbies to fill the gap, your vibe will heighten and suddenly you'll start to strike up conversations with/find convos being struck up by people on your healthier, cleaner wavelength....and then one of you asks to get together again/swap numbers, only later realising that both of you forgot to bat an eyelid, so natural and automatic was it.
So it feels horrid but - that's what a sudden growth spurt - as has you needing to chuck out your old, cheesy socks ;) is like. You remember? This is just the mental version, and, your having noticed she was STILL, at her age(!), stuck in the middle-school playground, was the starter gun. You've matured so you need mature friends.