What is love

Once again I am at a crossroad, decades ago when I was dating I have met those one in a million who are able to take my hart and make it feel, but in chasing that love I have tumbled and fell. Got back up and did it all again. Yes, I take time to heal. I have done this a million times. I met someone who is amazing, for the last decade she has taken care of me like the lost puppy I am, cos that is who she is , very loving and caring. And as the good dog I have been a loyal, supportive and done the best I could for her. We have built a supportive positive and loving home from where we started off. But in all the love a support we share, she has never made my heart skip a beat. I feel like I'm living a lie, I feel like my heart will never beat again, I feel like I am going to die this way. Can someone slap me in the head and tell me to use my brain and grow up and realize all the things we built together. And all the things I'm throwing away. I feel like I need to find my heart but if I leave on this adventure I am just chasing an illusion. What should I do? Does anybody know what true love is, is it the one where I should sit like the good dog and let my heart die or leave and run to find something that doesn't exist. And end up waiting till I die for it to return.

Hello Notdog: "she has never made my heart skip a beat... I feel like my heart will never beat again, I feel like I am going to die this way"- reads to me that the fear of death is speaking here: you want to FEEL ALIVE because you are afraid of dying, afraid of being dead already...? Wanting to FEEL ALIVE because you FEEL DEAD. Am I anywhere close to what is true to you? Amie

Hi Notdog (- haha, good alias!), You have to DO NOTHING right now. You will NEVER make a good decision while in an emotionally over-aroused state. See it like your mind is two halves, connected by a cable at the bottom (like two PCs networked-up). Because this IS how it works. One side is called Captain Kirk, the other Mr Spock. Kirk is mostly emotional, Spock is mostly logical. Only once they listen to each other, consider each other's point of view, and take each other's ideas/needs into account, does the perfect solution that addresses both the practical AND emotional, present itself. But they can't do that if and while there's chaos is going on (like aliens chasing them). So take this very slowly... Because it's all too obvious you and Spock are torn...not united....not working together....both in opposite corners of a boxing-ring. And that's why basically you're saying "I love her, she's my best friend with bells on, and dearly want to stay with her/I don't - not enough - I've got Fear Of Missing Out Syndrome!". (You can tell who's who, there, I presume?) Otherwise, you're going to get over-simplistic answers, like, 'Oh, well, if you're even ASKING whether you should end it then you probably should because people truly in-love - that question never enters their mind, they couldn't IMAGINE not having that person in their life'. Particularly as we're going to need an awful lot MORE data than you've provided. For example: What are you calling a Lost Puppy? Why and in what way were you, and what led to it? How old are you both? Also, you say, heart will never beat *again*, having mentioned you'd experienced "butterflies" with prior beaus... Question: and how did having that sensation ultimately work out for ya? Are you still with them, happily ever after? Or are they the ones that ended badly? Tell us about those. A lot more data, please. :)

...And I too would like you know if you have a fear of death. Or is it just, fear of dying without ever having experienced love like you see in the media and films? There's a lot of bloody brainwashing out there, and no matter HOW pragmatic you are - it still gets in, still raises your expectations and dents your sense of realism... ?

Amie: Im not saying your wrong because i do not enjoy and do fear death, more recently I have read up on Thantophobia and realise that I also have the associated fear of loosing loved ones. But I have always faced and accepted these feelings as to where I will face this sadness and in that event i am able to reflect how much they have cared for me and me for them, which in the end allows me to feel my apprication for them. This leads to an event where i am still saddened by the potential loss but happy that we were able to share so much, and that its not too late that we still can. Resulting in what i can only explain as a bitter sweet sadness and joy. So maybe there is somthing true there in your first statement, but i dont think so, your second is more accurate but it does not describe things accurately. As I will be putting emphasis on the real issue so that we can relate better to my issue at hand. Alright, so i am very slow at getting things on "paper" it took 2 days to write that before I realised that this analasys is drifting off topic, I was going to delete it and get more to the point but since you have both requested i am going to re-paste it. Soulmate, you scare me , because you are the topic at hand, do you exist and who/what are you. just your very name has me on the edge of my chair, and lookk at you, you just come wondering in , soo smooth, takling about computers and startrek, which is the core of my being and is not much of a coincidence now adays, but i was a trekkie way before it was cool, and when i was verry young I would sit in the sink and stick my finger in the electrical socket several times a day so when i say one of my passions has been the electron thats maybe where it started, and over the years I have gotten to know and respect the electron very well, and as i get to know it better I LOVE it even more, even though i have never seen it, it has given me truth and enlightenment about the world, it has always remained consistant even in its ever changing ways and has shown me things deeper than even the atomic level, and past the subatomic and all the way to the big bang. Problem is that it says the ilusion is real BUT then if I were to make that choice in reality would be insane. and what I will call here as option 2. The craziest thing about you is that i could hear alot of your words that you have posted inside my head before even reading them. So to respond to some your inqueries: Age is irrelivent , I feel this is for anyone at any age. Butterflies are only one part of the feeling, but only a piece of what it is that truely captivates me. its way bigger and deeper, you're going to get over-simplistic answers,---- I am aware of this , so although this is a deep topic for me, what happens here I may only take it as a grain of salt. You have to DO NOTHING right now.-- do not worry i know, this is a struggle for me as long as i can remember. And in general I am all in all a well balanced individual. In reality if option 2 is the answer, that would mean strapping on my squirrel suit, running to the edge of the cliff, jumping over the side and falling in to the foggy unknown. But it will literally take 2 years to get to the cliff, i will fall for another 2, then after landing another 2 to see the results, and really I cannot see what is at the bottom. So do not worry, I am in no haste for this decision. But if i am making the wrong one, then another day goes by where I have not made the right one. If this were a simple issue of someone else in my life i would just take the stick with your wife pill, but its more than that, it has nothing to do with anyone else and only me. When we started things we took a settlement(she aknowldges this too), and built things from nothing on a solid foundation, and a cool safe environment that we both settled on, and could take the time to heal from our past traumas, yes there is attraction and intimantcy and alot of great things, but not that feeling, she cant influence my heart, or pull its strings, if she decided to leave or cheated it would have an impact on me but not as much as some losses I have had, and i feel it will never be there no matter what we work on. But there was nothing at the core, never ever any butterflies, never a time where my heart skipped a beat, maybe if we go on our seperate ways and try again we will be able to build again with the warp core. pragmatic, hmm yes i am, but i can only answer like this for now: hollywood>>I am tuned out completely, yes there are tales of princesses in castles and prince charming and happily ever after, but upon reflection, these actually reflect the opposite, and an insult the feeling to which I describe, all i hear is sit in your tower and the first person to come along that is brave enough to face the dragon is the one to settle with. and you should be happy that you found anything at all. This fits the stick with your wife paradigm. Music>> My hearts resonates with the music that reflects this feeling and one of the ways i am able to feel and express it, it does not influence me to believe one thing or the next, but allows me to feel others expressions and myown, aswell as all the gray in the middle. I am also intrigued and influenced by phillosophy, religions, astrology, mythology, magic, miracles, evolution, common sense, experence and other things i cant think of right now, but i have studdied alot. I have "LOVED" and been "LOVED" so missing out really isnt the issue. And what complicates things is that there are so many mixtures of what it is, I would like to reiterate that this topic is requesting a definition of this exact thing, and I would request that we leave that word out of the thread, unless necessary. Question: and how did having that sensation ultimately work out for ya? Are you still with them, happily ever after? Or are they the ones that ended badly? -- I dont like this question, i think without saying we all know the answer, however, this is not an analasys of how dumb and immature i am, after all, this current relationship will be another statistic similar to the rest if i walk away from it. It also changes my opinion of you as a soulmate and shows me that you have also taken the shrink perspective of reality, which is counter intuitive to your name. It will be interesting to see how you are able to justify both ends of the spectrum. (sorry for the shrink slur , i really do appricate your perspective and help). But lets face it, this relationship could just be the one where i learned to grow up and be mature, and make better decisions, it may not be the final one. In addition, this is not really a question about me, it is about life, the universe and everything. there for my existance nor all my mistakes will not change what the answer to a question that is bigger than me is. So now that we have sniffed each others tails a bit, lets get back to the point. Please feel free to correct my behavior or any misconceptions i may have. and if you do need to hear some nitty gritty feel free to ask and i will try to elaborate but i hesitate to get in to symantics, just as i will be expecting it from you as we go throught this process of analasys and reflection. I like the startrek perspective so lets go with that. I am going to pick a color, i choose white so i can go first, I am also going to play devils advocate and say that kirk needs to steer the ship. This also means that the electron feeling is real, that infinty is real and that i should jump and find it. It advocates that I should be somewhere that makes my heart beat , and that i need to jump. And im going to give you black, it is the realistic point of view and says the feeling is illusion, and infinity does not exist. Right now spock is in control and has been for a long time, he says that i should appricate what i have, that its more than most people have, that it should be good enough, and that there is nothing else out there waiting for me. Sooooo.... I am lucky to have found a one in a million, but it's a one in a million on the other side of the coin too. is it greedy that i want that one in a billion and that i want my cake and to eat it too?

Apologies for the delay, Notdog - I'll be able to make time to reply tomorrow. And yes, there is a very simple solution to all this.

(I know - I'm 'spooky' like that sometimes - haha, sorry! - but it's not actually rocket science.) (I had no idea I was smooth, though? In-ter-westing...) I've not seen any of the Star Trek films, but I watched a handful of Telly episodes, whilst the rest of the time, catching bits and pieces here and there, when my parents watched it so I know enough. I did write a poem about Virtual Particles and the meaning of life, however, after nosying around Quantum and String theory - and no, you can't, lol. But you CAN have your cake and eat it - and whereby so does your partner. That's the decent and clever way of keeping her and replacing her, both (and same for her). Two winners. First you have to understand what a relationship is. Fact: every morning, unbeknownst to ourselves, we make a subconscious decision to remain another day in our relationship. And a relationship is, the quality of bond and interaction, amassed. Same reason as why wise husbands know full well, that Foreplay at night with your wife begins, not that evening, but the minute you both open your eyes in the morning. What you're uncomfortable with, is your relationship dynamic. This is common stuff when two injured soldiers grow a relationship foundation together from their emotional hospital-beds, rather than waiting until they get discharged and sent home (100% recovery). So end it. End IT, not your coupledom. How you do that: (a) A sit-down discussion followed by a period of Separation (no dating others). Six weeks minimum as a first sample could be enough, but the precise duration should be by mutual consent (it won't work if one of you is resentful). You can play its duration by ear, setting a minimum and a maximum. BUT YOU MUST AGREE A REUNION DATE/PLACE/TIME so that you're both perfectly relaxed during the break. And it should be a ROMANTIC DATE (e.g. candlelit restaurant). (b) Ditto, but no-one goes anywhere. No sex, no kissing, no being in the same room at the same time, even. Again, for whatever agreed period you can each bear the thought of. And the reunion/date night is conducted at home, too (decent takeaway, candles, wine, music). If this fails (because you both give into temptation and break the rules) - switch to (a). The object is to cease interacting as a couple. To kill the previous relationship set-up and operability. The relational, behavioural habits will atrophy then die. You'll feel like first-daters again...alienated...suddenly shy, like strangers...being very polite, and asking lots of interested questions (because you've got news you've been unable to swap)....first date! This is how you start again, and this time more carefully and diligently, no longer as victims in NEED but recovereds in want. Same partner - new relationship. It works. Although, it works better if you can go 6 months...only most people are misguidedly terrified of Separation, hence you should start small and increase it if the 'new' behaviour should start featuring the old habits of relating. *************** Regarding your self-analysis explorations - I'm afraid I had to slam on the brakes when I got to this: "Age is irrelivent , I feel this is for anyone at any age." Incorrect. Couldn't BE more incorrect. I need that data please. As I say, an age bracket will do (e.g. early 30s - late 30s). Without it, the whole ship is gonna crash! ;)

Its not the point that we have that in common, its that you were able to connect with me so quickly and easially and with such a familiar topic, and to understand my delima so fast compared to others (even if we are not on the point yet), in all your other posts, have you ever mentioned startrek? so y me? is this just conicidence, of course it is. So ya, verrry smooth one there! I'm not saying this is a sign that you are the one or anything, I dont even know what sex you are(and dont tell), if anything, more of a ShrinkMate really, but it is another reflection and a glimpse of what is waiting for me out there, elsewhere. So what does this mean? It is true that this conversation started here and it will never go beyond here and it will end here, and this is OUR(you and me) relationship. But I wonder about Newtons Law that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so as you connect with me here and are impacting my life with your advise, I will have a equally and oppisite impact on yours, not sure how, even if its just a moment you spent trying to help me, and i will never see results because its only for you but it will be interesting if/how it does or if you are able to let me know im wrong about this in the not so distant future. and ya i know i cant read minds but just crazy the way it played out. and thats really my point is that its crazy, Kirk is insane!. I have been watching alot of youtube lately, espically from the Phsych2go channel. And I would like to specifically highlight this one in particular: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qadSvKa2eHY At time index 6:15 there is a pretty little triangle, please note that when the piece of the traingle is removed it falls over, this is my delima, but its not like this piece fadded, it was just never there. Also i see and understand the value in taking a break to rediscover our selves and each other, rekindle and stengthen the apprication we have for each other, but it is impossible, as we are in a position where I would not have anywhere to go if i left and could not afford another place, and our home is so small that if we were to still live together the only way we could avoid each other would be if I moved outside in to the doghouse, literally, its a "cozy" home. Another problem is that my strenghts are needed there right now and leaving could be detrimental for others too(i may start another thread on this, cos i may need help on it too, but for now lets set it aside) sufficient to say for now that it is a part of the reason it will take a while to get to that cliff. And yes a seperation would be good for so many reasons, and yes it would play out that not if but when we made it through we would have a greater stronger relationship, but that third piece of the triangle would still be missing as its non existant in every sense of the meaning(that i understand it). Its not there, it never was, this excersise will not spark it. and at the end of the test when i decide that i want us to stay together, it will re iterate the same mistake im making every day with this decision that i make every morning when i wake. Yes i will miss her and her affections when we are apart and yes it would strenghten my independance and apprication. but sparks, no. I'm afraid I had to slam on the brakes when I got to this:.... was it just that part about age or everything after that too? Age is deceptive for me, in some ways i am old and in others i am young, and to put a number on it would be decptive for you. I realise there is a huge differnce between 20 and 90, and that difference subsides as they get closer to each other. If you could elaborate on each dynamic and how it impacts things in the different stages I may be able to elaborate more, but as i mentioned, this is a problem since i was young and it will continue till im old. So again for me this is more about me than us, and is that triangle theory correct? And what is passion, maybe we should look in to that more, it is a better word than butterflies , but still may not describe it fully. Maybe wife and I should have only been just friends this whole time? Which is really my concern. (btw we are not married, we dont have kids) not too sure what you mean by Foreplay there. Fact: -- i make mistakes every day. First you have to understand what a relationship is.... I think this one is more to the point , maybe we should focus on this.

okay, you are right, I think I am going to take that seperation time that we have suggested, I will break the news this weekend, but im still not sure how I am going to handle the evenings and weekends, since again, I dont think leaving home is an option right now. Although I am quite experienced and adapted to events and gatherings, it does not relfect my true introverted nature, I am most comfortable sitting at home with a movie, video or board game, or just conversation. Taking this step will be hard for me, I dont know where to go to get away, I have searched for options but all the suggested gatherings and events to get out of the house have no appeal to me what so ever, the only thing i can think of is to hide in the garage and work on small projects, this also has litte appeal cos thats 1/3 of my day and too long to be out there espically after a hard day at work, and these are family projects that we have been working on together, but since we are so busy it has been a sunday only thing in the recent past. Again, more youtube vids now, so i mostly get what I need to do during a seperation but since this situation is unique a few pointers couldn't hurt. Thanks! Also as we go through this, I would still like to take the time to discuss that third part of the triangle, cos again, that is MY delima.

Also, sorry, but part of my pragmatisim is that I always question and challenge things as part of my learning curve, this may appear as beligerant and snarkey, so if I have reflected that in any of my above comments then i would like to apologise and let you know that I am truly listening.

Not ignoring you - over-busy week - bear with me.

that is quite ok, i appricate any help, and this gives me time to realise aliens are still attacking.