How do I stay comfortable with death?
I'm a 24 year old dude here. I am going to demand euthanasia. The problem is that it will be very hard for me to demand euthanasia in my country (India).
I am fed up with my symptoms which are of mucormycosis. I know I have no treatment option for it. My eyes and brain will be removed if I seek medical attention. I haven't got my symptoms diagnosed yet but still it is clear sign of mucormycosis. I feel like the air I am breathing in is passing too lighlty/smoothly through my nose.
I am very afraid of dying. I am failing to realize the comfort after death. I am also afraid of committing suicide.
Amie, excuse-me, but what do you think you're doing?
This is a Moderator's judgement call, too. (Surely you must know that if you spent years on another forum?) WE will decide and make mention, IF/WHEN we see sufficient evidence to our satisfaction, not any poster who feels like it (except where they've had my explicit permission). What you've done could be very damaging to other, future posters' confidence in posting here.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask everyone to completely disregard the "attention seeking" hypothesis.
Amie, if you wish to resubmit, I suggest you block, copy and paste, but with everything from "Or you are suffering" up to "Amie", gone. Because now I'm going to have to order your original to be deleted.
I did ask you not to help yourself to moderating - which was on the 11th. This, you posted after that - on the 15th.
Please try to go more carefully from now on, thank-you.
Did you do this sort of stepping outside of your remit on your last forum?
Soulmate: I didn't understand your message, what does "stepping outside of your remit" means???
Oh, I missed your message before last, Soulmate. I was not aware that I did a moderator's job when I submitted here earlier today: I apologize, I better not submit any more posts for as long as I don't know what it means to moderate (so that I don't ... moderate unknowingly). I hope that you can explain to me what a responder should Do and NOT DO in a reply, according to your rules?
I will not reply to OPs until and if I am clear as to the rules you have for responders in these forums- where you are the moderator. But you did ask me here, on this thread: "Amie, excuse-me, but what do you think you're doing?", and so, I will answer:
I didn't realize it yesterday when I typed the reply to the OP, but I realize it today: I had a Narc moment, a Narc Burp or Vomit, using your words (burp, vomit). I am not saying that I am a Narc, I am saying that once you are born into Narc-shit, the shit sticks in one way or another, often in multiple ways.
By Narc shit, in my case, I mean LACK/LOW EMPATHY, SUSPICION and HOSTILITY: seeing the worst in a person and reacting to what I see with hostility. in other words, projecting my mother into other people and CONFRONTING HER BY PROXY, ex: I accused the OP of seeking attention because I projected my histrionic mother into the OP.
I understand today that the reason I didn't confront my mother is not that I didn't need to, but that I was (and am) afraid to. And therefore, I didn't take your offer- as I remember it- to write her a confrontational letter, not necessarily with the intent to send it. I would like to write that letter, in the other thread or in a new thread, if you think it's a good idea.
I am taking personal responsibility for my Narc Shit. Like my mother I was born a good, innocent, lovable child. She BECAME who she is and I became who I am. Healing/ becoming emotionally healthy or healthier is synonymous with becoming a good person (re-integrating that good child who is still in me- into my whole being and being a good person all around).
You wrote: "This is a Moderator's judgement call, too. (Surely you must know that if you spent years on another forum?)"- no, there was minimal moderation on that site (very profane language and threats of violence against members were deleted) and for long times there was no moderation at all (I emailed the website owner when there were posts with profanity and violence only).
* About empathy: sometimes I feel so much of it that it hurts too deeply. By "No/Low empathy" I mean: selective empathy, that which is limited in time and place, that which GONE at times, repeatedly.. The Narc is not something/ someone outside of me, OUT THERE.. it is right here, inside of me. It is inside of so many of us, peeking its ugly head here and there. I am intent on eliminating the narc in me. Amen.
I AM SORRY, ERYENGESH. I VERY MUCH HOPE THAT YOU ARE NOT TERRIBLY SICK AND THAT YOU WILL GET BETTER SOON.
Amie, what you did, your sudden, highly unsupportive, un-empathetic, in fact, downright nasty, 'Nought to 60' outburst, was shocking and appalling in equal measure, as well as a complete departure from your erstwhile character and demeanour. Unfortunately, you've got a number of Moderators eyes on you now, hence I say, tread extra carefully, because it was not lost on us, how, basically, you'd only just finished querying me over our banning policy and telling me how you'd been unfairly over-intercepted on the last forum you were on.
Although I don't have time just yet, we're going to have to have a conversation about this fairly soon - which we'll do over on Marionette's ex-thread.
You have our sincere apologies for what happened.
Have you seen this thread on here? - https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13399/My-husband-is-depressed-and-i-dont-know-what-to-do.
Also, I recommend you look up whatever blindness charities are in your country - e.g.:
Some will have support forums, where, hopefully, you can find someone related to someone with your suspected condition - since telling your parents and letting them contact your GP for a diagnosis still feels too daunting - who could give you at least a more informed opinon?
PS: You're 24, meaning, no medical professional can remove your eyes or part of your brain or even one big-toenail, without your official, written consent (supervised by your parents if your sight is bad by then and you have to be manually directed where to sign).
And your life is not over. Only your prior lifestyle. You're (if your suspicion is correct) entering a new life and new way of living, which, yes, does feel like your life ending *at first*, but which you and everyone in your boat before you, does adapt to and then enjoy again, some even more than ever, having found new sensory experiences and ways to experience, from using your brain more (see other thread), whereby it becomes more pumped and powerful which, itself, opens up even more opportunities for enjoyable, highly mentally stimulating and satisfying days.
But you do need to tell your parents (or a trusted relative/friend first and then telling them together) so, I suggest a written letter, followed by a sit-down talk (and hugs).
"you've got a number of Moderators eyes on you now, hence I say, tread extra carefully... Although I don't have time just yet, we're going to have to have a conversation about this fairly soon"-
-no, Soulmate, we are not going to "have to" have a conversation about anything because it takes two to converse and I am not interested in whatever conversing takes place when one of the parties to the conversation is threatened, having to be "treading extra carefully". I will no longer visit this website and therefore, I will not be reading any more of your writings. Thank you and Goodbye.
A letter has never been a joint medium where two parties get to converse simultaneously - but nice attempt at Word Salad, and I will now take my turn.
"I hope that you can explain to me what a responder should Do and NOT DO in a reply, according to your rules?"
You need me to spell-out for you how to behave in civilized company, like a decent, civilized, adult, human-being as if at your age you haven't a clue? No thank-you, Forrestina Gump, I'm the district police chief, not the local neighbourhood nanny.
And, "Soulmate: I didn't understand your message, what does "stepping outside of your remit" means???"
It means, Go Google, Mrs 'I'm so innocent I'm actually dumb thus unaware of how the world works'.
Let's cut the complete crap. I'm giving Eryengesh his rightful justice whether 'your Highness' approves or not.
You don't magically become anyone's victim here just because you demonstrably have a problem with authority, including believing you’re above being intercepted, warned or called to conversational account over sudden, atrocious behaviour on your part towards another innocent poster who was doing nothing but minding his own business while in a bad way and trying somehow to cope and not kill himself. Let's hope his silence ever since isn't ominous, shall we?
You’re 100% the perpetrator.
You, COMPLETELY unprovoked, verbally lured into reading (Sweet) before verbally abusing (Mean into pure Sadistic) a poster who had just confessed to feeling suicidal!
WHO DOES THAT?! WHO WOULD NEEDLESSLY TAKE SUCH A GRAVE RISK?!
Noteable that I said something very similar on Lily's thread last year, about that mad American arresting officer who thought it "no biggie" to take the risk of not believing George Floyd when he said he couldn't breathe.
How interesting and convenient that your offending post didn’t just as easily BEGIN with said ‘random, uncontrollable’ outburst – the Mean - before switching into Sweet - rather than the other way round, whereby it was left fully mimicking the Bait & Switch...into the most sadistic, irresponsible, downright foolhardy trolling we’ve ever seen on here.
One apology to poor Eryengesh, that wasn’t even your idea - nor, the time-lag showed, would even have happened if not for my interception - obviously rushed...no thought put into it (hence ridiculously brief plus no stopping to remove Caps for your name) - doesn’t cut it when it comes to getting to ‘press the Re-Set button’ and leave “poor, afflicted you” free again, sans leash, to (‘who knows when’) cause more damage as soon as you got the next irresistible urge to. How delusional are you?
So you can’t pass off deliberate, self-gratifying, Toxic Vomiting for mere, knee-jerk Narcissistic Fleas/interactional habits, either. Nice try, but not nice enough. Oh, and your prior priming attempts to pre-make yourself teacher’s pet for the sake of special dispensation, didn’t work, either. One, I can’t be biased (morals first, person second) and, two, there’s appreciative complimenting and then there’s cringingly wet a-hole. The latter poses as a clear cue to watch extra closely and have a damn good frisk, actually. But, nice try again.
STILL not nice enough, however, for the fact of this penultimate bottom line:
Someone so young, who was facing even the strong possibility of blindness, no doubt ‘bouncing off the walls’, utterly frantic, understandably not finding satisfaction to the un-answerable in the responses he was getting, would perfectly plausibly keep starting fresh threads. Desperate is as desperate does. But one would need experience of trauma-victimisation to know that, not just what theory they’d cherry-picked and memorized. Put simply, it takes one to know one. You didn't.
...And this ultimate one:
A decent, empathetic person with a conscience, working moral compass, and genuine wish to help rather than harm – by her own admission, all-too-aware she was currently ‘afflicted’ with random, “uncontrollable” episodes of verbally-abusive outbursts - would NOT conclude that the best place for her to hang-out, therefore, would be this and that forum, amid people who’ve been verbally abused and/or are highly fragile due to traumatic circumstances! Because the very last thing a non-narcissised, Narcissist’s ex-Victim would EVER do, is turn around and inflict the exact-same painful injury onto an innocent other. Especially not, one whom wasn’t just ‘down’, but on his very knees!
Nor could/would they remain oblivious to the constant feedback happening *at-leisure* when consciously *typing a letter*, repeatedly failing to feel terrible - despite *constant* cues for realising what they were about to do and think better of it as they watched their nasty sentences forming, character-by-character; then reading it all back: yet still thinking pressing Submit was a great idea. That’s not Narc Fleas, that just a toxic urge under a retrospective cover-story the minute you realised your attempt to prepare the ground with some sort of diplomatic immunity against Moderation hadn't worked.
Said decent, once-victim would recognise that it fit the description of Antisocial Behaviour and vow to stay away from places that made it possible in the first place, until such time as they’d received professional help (CBT) in order to get said Jekyll & Hyde outbursts firmly under control.
And this, my ability to know the difference(s) and show the nucleic truth & reality, is precisely why you decided to flounce.
(How many total manipulation failures on your part was that?)
Ban Count: still 0
Eryengesh, if you feel like returning, please feel free and I'll keep my eye out for you. I'm so sorry again, sweetheart. :)