I hate that I'm harboring jealousy towards my closest friends
My entire life I've been a very good student, with high hopes for my academic and professional future. School has always been very easy for me, and I never put in that much effort to do well. However, that changed when I got enrolled in a public high school (in 2021 when the pandemic was really affecting life). Suddenly it was very hard for me to get good grades(even though I somehow managed to do it). Second year of high school went even worse, I didn't really know anyone and it was very anxiety-inducing to even go to school. I constantly stayed at home, pretending to be sick; couldn't even pick up my books to study while at home. I was also going through issues at home and attempted suicide more than once. It was an allover terrible year for me, and my grades weren't the best.
Things changed in my third and final year in high school though, which I am still in right now. My grades have gotten significantly better. They're not perfect but I am doing my best and studying real hard for my upcoming finals in June. This is also the time when many kids apply for scholarships or into different universities. However, I'm really scared of doing terrible in college and haven't really decided on what I want to study in the future.
My closest friend has, though. She enrolled into a private high school in freshman year and she worked hard to get good grades. Being in the school that she was in also made it easier for her to have an almost perfect GPA. Recently, she has also applied in this private university which costs a lot. While I am very happy for her, I also feel a helpless jealousy all the time. My family doesn't have the best economy right now and I'm scared that if I also enroll into a private university, I will do terribly and waste my family's money on top of failing. But I would also feel like a failure if I don't go, my whole life there have been very high expectations set on me and I will feel terrible if I do worse than my companions.
I don't know how to get over this. I really value our friendship and don't want to lose it. It's just our parents constantly compare the both of us (privately) that I can't help but feel this way.
This was very long, I just had to get it out.
I'm sorry to hear all this is happening, it is a tricky situation.
As I'm from the UK, I don't fully understand the American education system but I will try my best to offer the wisdom I have as I can relate to some of the issues your facing.
First off there are some sort of cliche phrases I like to remind myself in tricky situations like this, such as, 'God (though I'm not religious) gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers' and 'everything happens for a reason'. Me and my partner come from very different backgrounds, her middle class, nuclear family, myself working class, and a troubled family, and I found myself having a lot of envy over that. I sometimes still do and it's completely valid to feel that way, but that comparison isn't the fault of your friend. We can't help the situations we're placed in. It is important to acknowledge our position in life and what we can control, rather than what is out of our control because there is not much point getting worked up over things beyond our control. It may not seem it now but I found I gained more skills, wisdom and an overall outlook on life and myself through the barriers I have faced in life.
It's easy to compare but ultimately shouldn't be done by parents, it is harmful for you. It may be worth talking to your parents, saying you feel compared to and it puts stress on you? But ultimately, their judgement is mis-informed, they are not taking into consideration your differing circumstances, therefore any conclusions they come to are invalid, therefore try not to let it occupy your mind, as it is false and not worth consuming yourself with (although I know this is easier said than done).
I hope this offers some things to think about, though I'm sure just typing it out was cathartic too.
Thank you, M. I appreciate you replying and I'm glad you got out of that toxic mindset.
Objectively, I know you're right, and I know my friend isn't at fault. The day I wrote that I was just feeling really stressed, one thing led to another and I was suddenly that kid who couldn't even go to class without breaking down, so jealous of others. Now I feel a lot calmer and I'm trying to rid myself of that negativity because it will do good to no one.
Thank you again for reaching out.
All the best!