Am I in the Wrong, or Is My Daughter Expecting Too Much?
I'm glad I found this forum, and I HOPE someone can help me. First, I want to apologize if I choose the wrong category or something. This is emotional on so many levels, but I need to know if I'm in the wrong.
I have a daughter who is 27. She has an 8-year-old son who I've taken care of since he was 11 months. She left him with me while she chased men and drugs. 2.5 years ago, she got married, and has another son, now 2.5 years old... I finally let my guard down and expected her to be stable. She complained that her husband wasn't talkative enough... I could see how she snapped at him often for not communicating or being sociable...but at the same time, they seemed content. She and I have always been open...she talked about their intimate times. I saw them kiss many times. They seemed like a normal married couple. They were also not "trying" for a baby, but weren't "not" trying. A couple of weeks ago, she talked to him in front of me about a transgender girl that wanted to be with them. Assuring her husband and I that if he did it, and changed his mind, it would stop instantly. She didn't want to give up her family for the fun, because he and her child came first...but, it could be something to do.
This past Saturday, she calls me and says, "I F up". She proceeds to tell me that her spouse had tried to go there, but changed his mind. He wanted to break up with the transgender girl. My daughter said she couldn't because she loved this girl. So her husband had left her at the girl's house. She was staying with the girl. She wanted a relationship. Her marriage is likely over.
I'm spinning in circles now. I'm trying to figure out what happened. I want to be supportive. She's my daughter, and I've had her back through so many other escapades, but on this...I am angry, hurt, lost. She was my best friend. She told me everything. Except to expect this change. The trans girl has been part of a threesome relationship with two other trans girls. Supposedly, she will leave that, but my daughter lives with all currently. Supposedly, they want their own place... I don't know.
My daughter is mad at me for not being supportive of her. She says she told me when she was 12 she was BI, so I should be fine with this. She tells me to not keep her 8-year-old son from her and I should meet this other person. And be okay with the 8-year-old and my 12-year-old to be around it. I'm saying you flipped the world upside down…give me a minute to find my feet.
I never thought of myself as judgmental, but I don't know how to process this type of situation. And she is so angry with me. She is telling me if I don't stop being mean, I'm going to build a wall and damage our relationship forever. Beyond that, she is talking about moving an hour and a half away with this woman, and expect me and her husband to say it's okay for the kids to go there. Not in a month or two. Like now. They went there today to "her" parent's house and my daughter was saying she needed safety gates because they have stairs which is not good for a two-year-old, but "her" parents are talking about moving to get a property with two houses on it. It's been 5 days…and she only met this woman maybe a month ago.
Am I wrong for feeling angry, judgmental, and completely lost? I feel I'm twitching in a corner, and she is 100% fine with the bomb she dropped. She expects everyone to be fine. Am I wrong for feeling this is just another round of the same ole stuff I've dealt with since she was 18? And for saying, I just want to get off the crazy train?
From one standpoint, the trans aspect of this isn't terribly relevant. Your daughter - after being married a couple years - changed the paradigm of her marriage. Not fair to the husband, or the kids who come along. Now after 'a couple weeks' she is in love with someone new - who isn't mature or stable enough to have a home of his/her own. Not only that, the new love interest apparently has no prospects of being independent. Mommy and Daddy are going to buy a home for their [adult?] child and take care of him/her for the foreseeable future.
Your daughter is acting like a child. Her love interest clearly IS a child, at least emotionally and financially.
It is wrong and emotionally hurtful to the children to ask them to bond with one short-term love interst of hers after another. She shows no sign of growing up, and at 27, she should be pretty far along that road. Plus, after a couple weeks, what does she know about her new love interest or her parents, who will likely be caring for any children they have while they go out looking for more excitement? What does she know about the other roommates?
Your daughter shouldn't be your 'best friend.' You're supposed to be her PARENT, not a buddy. If she isn't willing to protect her children, you and her husband should. Let me be clear, I'm not saying her girfriend or the gf's roomies are molesters. I'm saying introducing "Auntie Jen, Auntie Clarise, and Auntie Rose" and asking kids to be close to them, then deciding she's fallen in love with Jeff and taking the kids away from their 'family' again, is bad for the kids. And this is someone she's known for 'a couple weeks.' She DOESN'T know anything about her gf of the room mates, or their friends. She does know a litte about their lifestyle, though. She knows they have intimate relations with people they barely know. You don't know anything about THOSE strangers, more to the point, neither do they.
You've been caring for your grandchild since he was an infant. Does your daughter pay child support? Probably not, which just reinforced the attitude she has of being a perpetual child who can do whatever she wishes. The adults around her are there to pick up her messes.
One of the ladies in the group is an ex of my daughter's from when she was in high school and transitioning now. That was my daughter's "in". But she only met the two other girls (my daughter's new girlfriend) within the last month.
As far as I know, my daughter's girlfriend has a job, a vehicle, etc. Her parents also have money. From what I've heard from my daughter, the girlfriend's parents aren't happy she is transitioning (still calls her by her boy name) and they are delighted she has a girlfriend. They also want to meet my daughter's children and create a safe environment for them. Which makes me wonder if the girl is running forward to try to get something from her/his parents.
My daughter has never "paid child support" though when with her husband, she did take my grandson to their house for a few nights here and there. Sometimes we would give her money to ensure they could feed him, but most of the time, they had their own cash/food available.
I always thought being the "parent" could end when children grew up, got married, had babies, etc. We spent a lot of time together over the last two years. She taught me to crochet, I taught her to make personalized epoxy cups, we learned to do tatting... We were a force that drove each other to do things. That, made us good friends. LOL.
She is my daughter. I know I cannot stop her from living her life and making her choices...but her husband is lost. He feels she manipulated him into letting her go to be with this group of friends, and that she lied to get him more involved with them. Then, when he said no, she left him. I feel if he had been a good dog, this would have not happened the way it did, at this time...but it was still coming.
She has now left two kids (but she says she didn't leave them....she wants them with her). I'm NOT okay with that. Her husband isn't okay with that...but he also doesn't want to make this situation worse by being too mean...(he wants her to come home and stop this mess). Her dad says she is "Just being herself and chasing a party." And she says I'm a horrible person for not telling her "it's OK" and rushing over to meet her friend, drive an hour and a half to meet the parents, etc. That I'm the one destroying our relationship and turning my back on her when she needs me to be supportive. She says I'm the reason she couldn't come here for Easter (she left us all on Saturday)...that I'm the one keeping her child away from her. ETC. That I should just be mary sunshine as I always am, and tell her she's good. The best I can do is telling her I love her, and I wish you well and happy, but I cannot support your choices at this time.
I am so angry. I cannot sleep because I'm trying to comprehend what she's done. I've been here before. The names are different, but the feeling of me being on an upside down merry-go-round isn't new. And I truly just want to get off the ride. By nature, I want desperately to do as I've always done and be supportive to the best of my ability. But, I'm also feeling more and more like enough is enough, and I want to wash my hands of it all. It hurts my grandsons. It has hurt her family. Her husband and his family. I'm going nuts because I feel I "should" support her...but I do not know how to be supportive anymore.
I need to hear from someone, anyone, that I'm not a horrible human for saying, "You did this one too many times." or that maybe I am horrible for it and help me learn how to catch my breath. I know I'm asking for a lot... I've never been a depressed person. I'm always happy....and now I cannot focus on anything or get off the merry-go-round.
No, you're not a horrible person for telling her "You did this one too many times." In fact, she's abandoned her children twice.
" when he said no, she left him. I feel if he had been a good dog, this would have not happened the way it did," I have no idea what it would mean to "Be a good dog." A majority of the time, when people marry, the expectation is to be faithful to one another. Your daughter pushing to have a, what? open marriage? was not what he signed up for. (I wonder what your daughter would have felt if HE had decided she wasn't enough and sought satisfaction with someone else)
Your grandkids ought not be consorting with strangers - heck, since these folks seem to be in party mode, I doubt very much they want children around. I've seen that happen - it's not fair to a child to be treated as if he or she is always in the way.