Is my boyfriend is serious with me ?
CHACHA6 - May 5 2023 at 14:13
This post is gonna be long but I really need a 3rd perspective. I (23F) and boyfriend (21M) have been dating on and off for 4/5 years now. We broke up for a year due to long distance but right now we are at the same place. We've known each other through mutual friends. He have had 2 relationship (when he was 14-15years old, longest being a year,nothing serious). We have the same ethnicity but grew up in a totally different environment with different mindset. He is somewhat an introvert, not a very social-media type of guy.
He lets me go through his phone anytime and I have looked through all his social media, messaging and all. He barely replies in his family group except when discussing about their family business. He also do not reply much to his cousins or private message chat with anyone else. He is not one to start a conversation both online or in person.
Everything was great until one year into our relationship, this was when he was around 16, and taking a big exam,he asked for one of my friend's friend(pretty girl) contacts and initiated an online conversation with her, asking her to play video games with him, which is totally not like him. He even asked me if I knew her (at this point, he didn't know that I am aware of this whole thing). I pretended everything was okay and said I don't know her (which is true) and I asked him why. He only replied with "she's nice". From this on, he became distant to me, didn't reply my messages and even broke up with me soon after that. It was very rough for me. I knew about this only because my friend sensed something was off with him and decided to tell me about this. Not trying to overreact but this was totally out of his character.
Nothing much after that. Fast forward, we got back together and we briefly talked about it and he have been reasoning with " I was stressed out from exam and was stupid but it was nothing serious". I decided to look past it and we have been doing pretty good so far. This was a few years bac. Few months back, he told me he will bring me over to his place and I was excited!. BUt before anything could happen, while he was talking with his family, his family asked him about my background. Because we have never talked about each other's family background or any financial situation, he couldn't answer and he messaged me on the spot. The tone he used to ask was not the nicest. I confronted him about it a few days later when everything has cooled down and he justified with " I felt pressured because we have been dating for 4-5 years now and I couldn't answer anything regarding you when my family asked, so I was aggitate." From this point, he stopped messaging me and did not reply to me nor asked me out on a date for the whole month. I keep pursuing him for an answer, why he was being cold to me and having no contact with me for so long and whether he was serious with me because he have not invited me over to his place (I was getting very insecure and anxious).I asked him whether he was serious and if he even love me. He only replied to this message and said "my answer is always the same, is you doubting me". Afterwards, I rambled quite a bit, he did not reply and I finally told him we should break up.He did not reply as well, not a yes or a no. The next month on the 16th, my birthday he told me we should go out and he will invite me to his place.
Although we did not go over to his place because it feels weird to suddenly be at his place after this whole month of uncertainty. I asked him what happened during that month and he hesitated at first but after prompting him and asking whether his parents did not approve of our relationship. He said his parents just told him to continue the relationship if he feels right and its totally up to him to decide. So I asked what his decision was and he said he decided to as me out and that is his answer which was to continue the relationship.I don't know if he said that to shut me up or if he really meant it.
I still remember he told me that his aunt has been telling him to date more to get more "experience" meeting different kinds of people instead of settling down with me so soon (since we are both in our early 20s and been together since 16). This was few weeks before the 1 month long silence. He told me that he did not agree with his aunt and said 'the grass is not greener on the other side, we have to water the grass we are on and even if we jump to a greener grass, without love and nurture, it will wilt and the cycle will continue" and that he wants to be with me only.
I was very happy that he share the same mindset as me regarding this. He then opened up about the time his parents fought and told me some personal stuffs about his family. I was very shocked but felt good at the same time because he finally opened up to me about some personal stuffs (he never talked about personal stuff or his family at all before). Even though we have patched up and somewhat in a good place, I still cannot get over how he can go a few days without initiating conversation with me. But he does reply when I ask him something. He told me he does not like to message everyday and that he can't really be constantly messaging me. He gets really touchy when we go out and we do not ever use our phones when we are around each other. We talked and eat and stuff.
He used to send me short video clips of him helping his family business and updating me daily but it has not been like that since. Should I be worried about this ? Is he still being serious with our relationship? I am just afraid he is being with me just for sex. Maybe it started out with real love, but now is he with me cause of the sex? or do guys like him (can't message daily with partners) exist? We are both each other's first sexual partner. Please give me some advice and your take on this. What should I do?
Thank you guys so much!
You've been together since you boyfriend was a *child*. You're still upset at what he did as a child. He couldn't be expected to act like an adult in a relationship. Frankly, he's still rather young to be settling down, and emotionally, so are you.
You've given this 5 years, off and on. I suggest you go the 'off' route for a year or two, and you both see other people. Reading your post, it sounds like you met this guy, and immediately decided he's "THE ONE" and you were going to be with him NO MATTER WHAT. That's not fair to either of you. The emotions and connection that arise from your first sexual encounter can be strong, but that doesn't mean you're destined (or required) to stay together.
He was a baby when you met him. You were on the cusp of adulthood. He may (rightly) feel the power differential at the beginning of your relationship puts him at a disadvantage. Now you're INSISTING on continuing a romance started when he was a child. He ought not be held to that, and YOU should be seeing a variety of men, too, before you settle down.
By the way, by seeing other men, I don't mean having sex with them, unless of course, you want to.
I will be taking your advice and see how it goes from there. Thank you very much for your take!