Why do guys do this
Okay, I know that guys (and girls) watch p**n from time to time, but why why would a guy who's in a relationship look up profiles of hot girls (including the ones he knows) to "get off" when he's alone? He keeps saying that doesn't impact our relationship, and yet I feel jealous, angry and helpless. The fact that those are profiles of local girls and even the ones he has met in real life really makes me feel bad. I've told him that I feel like it's a form of "online cheating", but he says he doesn't plan on doing anything further with them, that I shouldn't worry that much about what he does online. He also doesn't plan to stop doing that, because he says it's "natural" for him. I've even sent him pictures of myself, so he could use them for his "alone time" when I'm not around, but later on he said that he needs variety (meaning lots of girls to look at). Sometimes I think that he doesn't find me as attractive. No, I don't plan to break up with him. Is there anything I could do, or should I just try to forget about it and move on?
I read long ago that male rats, after mating were no longer interested in the female until a new female was introduced. So, it is probably hardwired into him and if he refuses to stop for you, your options are to break up, join him, or tolerate the situation. I wish you the best in your decision.
He's told you he plans to continue.
You indicate you're going to tolerate it.
Why should he stop?
As far as what you 'could do,' there's nothing. One person can't really control another one.
As far as variety: I suspect in the animal world, most have multiple partners. The family unit is a societal invention. It does a better job of getting children from birth to adulthood if both parents are nuturing them (and the male isn't just out making more that he can't support)
As far as porn, using porn to climax is easier, isn't it? You don't have to worry about arousing and satisfying a partner.
He goes against Nature and the natural alright!
First-off: porn, with the exception of that which is designed for loving couples, is meant for long-term SINGLE men; after that, it's either ditched or is subject to partner consent so, yes, you're quite correct. (How old are you, btw?)
He's not just watching porn, though, is he:
1. If he does it alone - how come you know about it, let alone to that depth and detail?
2. ...even knowing who these other women are? (Local? - YE GODS! HOW HUMILIATING!)
3. He is behaving the very OPPOSITE of someone who gives a damn about your feelings and welfare. Even rubbing it in your face!
4. ...like the very opposite of someone with any empathy for you.
5. Ditto, any compassion.
6. Ditto, respect thus regard.
7. Ditto, validating you or being on the same side, one of a team where there are supposed to be no losers, just two winners.
Instead he's Gaslighting, using Belittling and Minising: it's no big deal, you're too sensitive, you're a prude/frigid (or just taking the attitude you are), blah-lie-blah....basically YOU are no big deal!, is the glaring message.
8. Ditto, sharing or acknowledging any power in the relationship except for his (Power Over and drip-drip Traumatising your partner has NO PLACE in a romantic-sexual pairbond - it features only when the so-called partner is ABUSIVE - and to that level of chutzpah - A practised Abuser).
9. Ditto, letting you influence his opinions/thinking...
10. And Gaslighting again: not just acting like it's normal, but Denying that it's Cyber Cheating. Although, it's NOT, is it. Because he knows or knew these women! IT. IS. CHEATING. And not only is it cheating, he is shoving it in your face, taunting you with it!
It doesn't stop at 10, but I'd be here all night.
So many attitudes and behaviours of a normal LOVING partner missing - all inarguably and undeniably demonstrated to you in this one area. (Is there anything else in any others)
HEALTHY men allow mutual influencing at least and positively allow and expect that to be the case in a romantic union!
His behaviour is anti-relationship but pro "Master-Slave". And he's the type of Master who - *hating women - likes to mentally torture a female 'partner' TO HER CORE. He's a Sadist. By ANY stretch of the imagination.
(*I mean, COME ON - YOU LITERALLY CAN SEE IT - who treats women like pieces-of-meat sex toys - OBJECTS - like that!? WHO NEEDS TO?!
And how do you know if any or all of these women are even AWARE he has their picture?
How do you know he's not selling them on? Including your own photos now?!)
This person is demonstrating that you don't matter, your normal sensitivies and feelings don't matter, what you expect doesn't matter - even your natural and social rights, what you get upset about doesn't matter, that you're suffering matters not a jot....again, I could go on but I'd still be here at sun-up.
If this guy is not a Malignant Narcissist (with astonishing arrogance, self-importance, spitefulness and cruelty) then he's doing a bloody convincing job of one!
You're the slave, hence, as you see, you have no say in the relationship; no say over your sex-life; no say in self-defending, even; no way of escaping any torture your master wishes to subject you to, even on a whim (unless you leave him).... therefore none of your rightful autonomy and control; including asserting your disapproval and expecting him to want to stop offending and hurting you 24/7 (it's in your head, inreasingly as time goes on), just because YOU CARE SO MUCH.
Best you read this (sorry), but then, they are known for being self-destructive/self-sabotaging, in the long run:
"I talk with many people regarding their intimate relationships with narcissists. Narcissists are generally exhibitionists, and sex is just another method of getting attention and admiration.
((...sick-ego-noost, self-aggrandisement, self-gratification, power, control, sadistic satisfaction... or (in his case - perverted) sex is the side-bonus of torturing you - or torturing you the side-bonus of sex.))
They also tend to watch lots of internet porn.
Narcissists are threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs. Because of this, most narcissists prefer internet pornography and self-gratification to mature, intimate sex. This explains why articles related to narcissists and sex describe claims of sexual addiction – claims used by the narcissist as smoke and mirrors to cover up their affairs and porn addiction.
Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital liaisons for a variety of reasons, including control, power, attention, and because they get bored easily. This explains why partners of narcissists almost always catch them on online dating sites and why narcissists are often addicted to internet pornography. Research has shown that the more control narcissists have over sex, the more gratifying the experience tends to be.
This addiction can lead to porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which they then blame on their partner(s). Affected partners become traumatized, depressed, experience body-image issues, and these issues often spill over into other areas of their lives, like work and child-rearing. Shamed partners often turn to coping mechanisms such as food, drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery, and/or finding an affair partner or completely shut down sexually. In severe cases, affected partners have attempted suicide.
So how does the frequent viewing of porn/masturbation result in erectile dysfunction? The mechanics include the following:
he mechanics include the following:
The need for higher thresholds of excitement
Causes lack of sensation and/or lack of desire
Lack of intimacy with a partner and anorgasmia; which is not only caused by lack of sensation but can be due to “edging”, which is when someone reaches the point of climax and stops themselves in order to prolong the porn experience, which then transfers over to relations with their partner
Persistent viewing of porn causes an increased need to view because the dopamine receptors in the brain are stimulated over and over again, causing high tolerance
Perpetual refractory periods cause less desire to have sex with a partner; they have no desire because they’ve been watching porn and self-satisfying
The problem isn’t necessarily in the genitalia, but in the mind…desire is rooted in the brain, and over time, porn/masturbation causes dopamine overloads/short-circuiting/burnout, so that sex with a partner doesn’t achieve the same kind of result
Creation of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style – masturbating uses a different kind of friction and pressure than one would experience with a partner/intercourse, which acclimates the person to a new kind of physical pressure that desensitizes the person during actual sex
Often can’t be treated with traditional drugs (Viagra, Cialis, etc.) like “traditional ED”. Although they can provide blood flow to the genitalia and cause an erection, the person often cannot achieve orgasm because the main problem is rooted in the brain, which has been desensitized from porn...
Let me know what you think when you've read and digested.
In the meatime... You know it's wrong and abnormal, the way he's behaving and treating you. That's not your problem. Your problem is getting to the point where you're starting to accept that he will not desist, no matter what you do, say, threaten, which means only one thing: having to End It.
Is the thought of the pain (because you're not just bonded but Trauma-Bonded...must be if you haven't been able to break it off already) what's putting you off?
You need to know that every time they get away with someone, it's "feeding the Monster". They just get bigger as bullies and more arrogant and risk-taking, etc. Worse and worse.
He thinks he's a sort of God because he can act as disgustingly as he likes and despite this, you still can't bear to chuck him each time.
You do realise he's not normal, don't you? Common today, maybe. But no-one that would treat the woman they claimed to love that horridly and disgustingly. That Abusively and Manipulatively. I wish I could chuck him for you, actually. I just want him to get the hell away from you. He's doing you untold damage.
Still...at least you're complaining out-loud - WELL DONE - FIRST STEP COMPLETED: waking up to how outrageously bad it/he is.
...More websites and extracts regarding the fairly-recently established link between porn and Narcissism - which is not the same as saying any man who watches porn is a Narc. It's about the perverted way they do it, the frequency, degree... Pervasive Pattern, and what they get out of it beyond sexual satisfaction/validation. Narcs abuse anyone and everything - including drugs as includes pornography (as this article says, like any addiction, it encourages-out and exacerbates existing narcissism). They're even addicted to abusing itself, anything that gives them an ego-boost or power-rush.
Sorry to go on a bit, it's just I need any readers in your same position to understand, as well as your good self. Primarily, however, my worry in your case is that all of this is just the wearing-you-down stage and that with enough *seeming* accquiescence on your part (only actions speak, words mean nothing and for them are mere manipulation tools), the prelude to full-blown abusiveness, that he will grow cockier each time you fail to stop him, and crank up the abuse, including into other areas.
Counselling, including Couples, is worse than useless with his type (you can look this up online) because Lying, Spinning, Twisting & other Gaslighting, pluls Manipulating, is their friend, not being open, honest, cooperative - again, team-playing. But you CAN read up on how to start laying down rules and boundaries (you have to go very slowly and gradually, though, so's not to rattle their cage, or better yet, 'under the table', or resist and protect (train the bad puppy) by passivity; and you have to know how to incentivise this (erm) type.
"Did you know that experts have demonstrated the connection pornography has to other industries, such as sex trafficking or sexual exploitation? Or, consider the connections porn has to addiction: how porn can affect the brain in similar ways that alcohol or other substances do.
(('or other substances': In fact, we're talking more powerfully addictive than Heroin and Opium.))
But here’s one more connection that you may not have known about: the connection between narcissism and porn consumption.
What is narcissism?
To understand the connection between narcissism and porn, we need to look at what the experts have to say. First, let’s look at what exactly narcissism is.
According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder as it’s formally called, “is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
((Your BoyFiend has to have worse than just Narcissism - hence the heart-hearted, witting sadism AND how core-deeply he stabs you through the heart and mind whereby it counts as Existential and Spiritual abuse.))
Sexual Abuse is the worst.
(Next, little-known/long swept under the carpet, comes Sibling Abuse, but that's for another thread - unless you had a bullying brother as a kid growing-up who primed you to tolerate this far?)
PS: ""(it's in your head, inreasingly as time goes on), just because YOU CARE SO MUCH.
I meant, he (were he Normal-Healthy) should want to stop just because it's something YOU object to so much and because hurting you hurts him (clearly not).
My bff, C, has been married for 10 years and has 18 to daughter from a previous marriage. For four years her husband In had been contracted for consulting services in a distant city, the state capital. He had to be on site 5 to 6 days per week.I convinced C that it made more since to buy a condo in the city rather than rent a hotel or motel room.
She discovered that he had been charging phone/computer sex to their credit card for some time. When she confronted him about it be said that it wasn't really cheating. He just needed something because he was money and needed someone to talk to.He convinced her to think about it for a while then they would get to the subject
Her daughter and her friends visited J several times to see Capital historic sites and to go to the state fair. C had her own job, so she couldn't go with them.
Then one day she checked her daughter's computer and on her outgoing email she could nude picture of her daughter and her friends addressed to J. Then she found out that her daughter and two of her friends were pregnant. I was the father!
The lesson is that phone/computer sex or pork is not innocent! It is a stepping stone to infidelity or worse!
"The lesson is that phone/computer sex or pork is not innocent! It is a stepping stone to infidelity or worse!"
Well said, FIONA88!
Have you ever read, "Pornography....Men Possessing Women" by Andrea Dvorkin?
She was ahead of everyone and it's never been surpassed.
Sorry to barge into this thread and add unrelated convo.
Hi @Soulmate, remember me?
I am done_with_life, I had written a thread as an 21 year old girl:
How are you :)
Hello you! Cripes - I nearly missed this!
Bear with? - I'm up against it at the mo, won't get time to respond properly until Sunday (and if it is Sat night, I'll probably be a lil bit pished, so best not, LOL...well, we'll see).
Also, I could ask Richard to re-open your thread so we can catch up on there, if you like?
T_O_L - You still here?