What's my next move? Sorry long post
After 22 years of marriage my marriage with my ex broke sadly down.
During lockdown my ex became a bit of an online chatroom addict discussing dance music and nite clubbing. When I discussed with her that she was ignoring the whole family and our relationship she stopped for a while but then slowly it all sneaked back in.
She once asked me if it'd be OK for her to meet up with the group to go to nite clubs. I have to hold my hands up here and say I didn't cover my self in glory and let her know I wasn't exactly comfortable with my wife going to niteclubs with strangers.
I know this sounds like I'm a controlling person but I'm actually very far from it and never objected to her going out to clubs locally with her friends.
She didn't go but I could tell she was not happy with me for putting my foot down.
A few months later during an argument over something petty she bust out that she had booked a flight and a hotel and was going to meet these guys no matter what I thought.
This devistated me and I started to withdraw from her. I started a downward spiral of my own with drink and weed as I couldn't handle the fact that I was losing the love of my life.
She came back and the online chatting got worse. Names started to pop up a lot but one in particular started to comment an awful lot on her Facebook posts comments. He was sending secret gifts of sweets and cookies to her through the post but I didn't confront her as I didn't want her to know I was suspicious and checking up on her.
I'd had enough by this stage and asked her to consider if we had a future. For a year and a half I really fought to save our marriage but she wasn't interested.
We signed a separation agreement this year and I've moved out into my own place. She always swore to me that she hadn't cheated on me while we where still together which looking back now it complete bullsxxx.
She has tried to retain me as a friend due to our past and our girls. She recently called round to see on on the pretence of seeing our dog and broke the news to me that she's seeing someone new. Can you guess who it is?? Lol.
Anyway I asked her to leave and texted her later to ask her to only contact me concerning the kids from now on.
After 4 months of having my life back in order I've completely gone off the rails again with drinking to the point where I asked my girls to stay with their mum for a few nights and not call to visit.
I'm completely lost. I feel so much anger at my ex and tbh I'm more than jealous that she has moved on with the guy I suspected her of having this affair with.
She's still texting me but I'm just leaving her unread as I can't be bothered with the pain and hurt reading her texts will cause.
Should I just tell her we can't be friends anymore
I don't know how to move on. I'm an old fashioned guy. I don't have many friends outside of work and the world of online dating looks hellish.
How do I move on and come back from this.
I know this is a bit of a ranty long winded pitty party but I'm genuinely all at sea here.
I know that you must be going through the most vexing time of your life. You probably are thinking back to when your relationship with her was "perfect" and are considering where it all went wrong. To make yourself cope with the emotion of betrayal you have now started drinking. I completely understand your pain. But drinking and smoking your days away will do nothing, but simply numb your pain, it won't make it go away. If you feel depressed, if you feel angry, or any other negative emotion, I'd like you to channel it all into the positive aspects of your life. Perhaps your children? Devote your energy into taking care of your kids, and taking care your yourself. Join a gym, in my experience just having an outlet that distracts you from your issues is good, especially when that outlet has a positive effect on your physical and mental health.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's greatly appreciated. Strangly enough I'm a 5 times a week gym attender and train really hard.
I work shifts ( days and nights). I mostly cope great but when I've time off and the girls go to bed I'm left alone with too much time on my hands late at night to think over the past and present and then go into some sort if pity/ rage spiral.
My ex keeps trying to engage me in conversation and to be honest I can't right now as if I was to tell her what I really think i don't think we would ever be able to communicate ever again.
It's a genuine shit show. I'm lost as I'm normally the guy people come to for good solid advice. I can't even think straight to come to a sensible solution for myself.
"My ex keeps trying to engage me in conversation"
It's called Hoovering. It's what malignant narcissists (NPDs) do.
I agree with 'is complete bulls***'. We already KNOW she's a constant liar, do we not. And yeah, I think a 6-year-old child would be able to tell who it is.
I agree with everything you've said. Bar this bit: "I know this sounds like I'm a controlling person"
Mate, you're not controlling ENOUGH.
Who repeatedly told you or gave you the impression that you're controlling?
"After 4 months of having my life back in order I've completely gone off the rails again with drinking to the point where I asked my girls to stay with their mum for a few nights and not call to visit. "
So....?? It's called a Grief Wave. Jeez, you're allowed to grieve! Why are you so damned hard on yourself and put down your strong or healthy urges as if they're crimes?
"I'm completely lost."
No, you're not. You're still in shock but simultaneously pausing to take stock. This isn't plain grieving over a relationship. This was a domestic crime!...a Long-Con Job. You were convenient in however-many ways........ until, one day, suddenly you weren't. Idealize... Devalue.... Discard (real or fake).....Hoover (you'd be the Other Man this time if you allowed yourself to be hoovered)...and repeat cycle all over again (but with said Demotion).
This will help: Do not be jealous. He means no more to her than you did. He is her next victim-slave. PITY him. Especially as, if you tried to warn him to run, he wouldn't believe you while under her spell and would (with her help) put it down to Sour Grapes. PITY HIM.
You've got fantastic instincts because - you're doing literally everything right. E.g.: " She's still texting me but I'm just leaving her unread as I can't be bothered with the pain and hurt reading her texts will cause. "
:) :) :) :) :) Have a Gold Star on your forehead ("thlup!").
Halil has fantastic instincts too, because focussing more on your kids (without spoiling and letting them off normal disciplines - causes developmental damage) is exactly the key. For them, too.
As for weed: use it ONLY when the pain is literally unbearable and you literally can't cope. It does help- Majorly. It's Nature's own EMOTIONAL painkiller. It's advised against in these situations, merely and purely because most people can't be sensible about it, and over-indulge. But it's well-known for re-setting your (meddled-with) neurology and putting things into proper perspective whereby To Do's that you dread lose their intimidatory power and can even be surprisingly enjoyable.
But you do NEED off days when said waves hit. There's no way you're going to be optimally functional right now, so what you have to do is BE paralysed on those off days but, the minute a good day strikes - tackle said mounting chores/obligations, i.e. 'make hay while the sun shines'. The more pain sessions you sit through for as long as you can (- and don't be a hero about it, that's just masochism) before turning on the telly or whatever, the faster you'll get through it.
I also advise that on off days when you're supposed to be seeing the kids, you compensate them with a long phonecall each (just listen while THEY talk - that's what they want and need!) and a little Sorry pressie when you next see them.
"Should I just tell her we can't be friends anymore"
You ARE telling her - via your non-replies. But I know the dilemma you're talking about: obliged to say something for the sake of your good relations with the kids, but.....just can't face her. Just can't.
So be honest: Sorry, it's too soon, I just can't face you yet. Please be patient, I'll be in touch soon. (
Just because she's a liar, manipulator and game-player, doesn't mean you have to play along.
But anyway, it's all part of Hoovering....keep prodding your wounds and they can't heal (because if they heal, your romantic feelings for her will disappear). Un-healed, you're still susceptible to her emotional manipulation.
She wants the new bloke AND you. But this time, you'd be the "mistress" on the side. And then he would. And then you again. And then a third bloke would be ensnared...and a fourth.
"I can't even think straight to come to a sensible solution for myself."
You're not supposed to be seeking a solution yet - that's why. (You really don't trust your spot-on gut instincts, do you.) Now is the time for conserving and preserving your energy (hence your instincts reaching for weed so that you won't waste precious energy moving around too much, leaving more juice for your brain). And joining recent and past dots.
You join those and any romantic feeling and pining will go STRAIGHT out the window!
PS: He's going to have a far harder time in way shorter time than you ever did, believe you me!
Well, in case you hadn't noticed, your Covert fake-Missus "came out of the closet" during Lockdown. Almost all of them did....which is why I'm so run off my feet with an ever-growing queue of new posters!
Talking of which.... Why don't you (while still posting about yourself in here) try answering some? You'll learn from parallels you spot in their situations with their own bullies, and helping others will give your self-esteem and confidence a very fast and powerful boost.
That`'s never why I've done this for so long (my agenda goes higher), but it undoubtedly contributes to why I'm so constantly full of myself, hahaha.
Anyway - back to - Thoughts? (Loads, I'm sure.)
PPS: Cry more, as well. Really flushes out the toxins. But only if you don't stop yourself short. (Oh, and it dehydrates so don't forget to drink water before, during and after...preferably before.)
And realise that you're entitled to. Your wife died. As in - never existed. Was all an act. But still - one minute she was there and you believed she always would be, and the next - POOF! - gone.
Your wife died.
She'll be the ultimate loser, though - you just watch and wait. Goes around, comes around.
As for you:
Right Qualities (yours - excellent ones!) - WRONG RECIPIENT. Don't change. Your next relationship partner will have a genuinely healthy mind and will appreciate you BIG-time.
PPPS: Idea! Take the kids to the gym with you? It'll help get their own anger and grief out, while they're having "grown-up" fun.
Remember: you and your ex-Yuck can replace one another. But kids have only one Mum&Dad unit and can never get another. You think YOU'RE grieving? You think YOU'RE lost? She cheated on them - and nuclear-bombed THEIR homelife, mapped-out future, etc. - too.
Definitely focus on the kids but make it great fun for you too.... theme parks, picnics with ballgames, making camps in the woods, Pixar films...all of that. Fun is one of the antidotes. Even if you don't feel like having fun or have to fake having fun - whether or not you register it at the time, IT STILL WORKS. Just do it (Nike!).