I’m completely directionless. Depressed. Feel outcast.
I don’t really know how to put all I’m feeling into words. Every time I want to explain my thinking whether when I’m speaking to someone I know or typing it up, I always begin to doubt myself. I don’t think it’s bad to doubt your own doubts, but I know if I don’t express what I really feel I won’t be getting better any time soon.
Today is one of those especially down days. I’m usually a little down most days but occasionally something little or big will happen that makes me feel extra crap. And when that happens is when I best feel my most negative emotions and can explain them the easiest.
The incident today went as such: Me and my family were out getting lunch for my dad’s birthday this afternoon. When we went inside to order I saw a couple girls working at the little diner that I thought were cute. One of them smiled at me and I nodded. A few moments later I met her gaze again and all I saw was disinterest/disgust.
Immediately I took this as a sign that she was disgusted by me. Now as I’m typing this she was probably just tired of doing her job. But that made me remember how I think everyone views me.
I hate myself. I love nothing about myself. I’m fat, pale, lazy, ugly, untalented, etc etc. And honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if that girl working at the diner thought that too, as well as every other girl I’m ever going to interact with or meet.
I’ve had similar interactions at the gym with girls I was attracted to as well, so it’s not just a one time thing.
My relationship with girls is not my only issue. I don’t have any passions. I don’t have a career plan that’s going to have me set up by my 30’s and I don’t think I ever will. I’m an electrician that no one will hire and I am afraid to switch careers. I want to commit to something but don’t believe that will ever work out because I think I’m a worthless employee/person.
Somedays I am motivated to better myself. I’ve been going to the gym 6 days a week with good rest and eating plenty. I try not to doubt myself there just because it is a very slow process, though I do always have my doubts. I drink a lot of water everyday and I want to have a better career and an eventual luxurious lifestyle. However, I don’t know what to do to achieve these things. I can’t ever view things in the long run. I hate everything about myself and think I’m a failure for not being successful right now. Hell, even if I had the success I wanted I’d probably still feel the same way.
I don’t know what the point is anymore. I work for goals I’m never going to achieve. I’m not going to be content.
I’m sure there’s plenty I’m missing out on, but I’m sure I’ll be reminded once I have another moment like I did today. Sorry if this is just a huge mess of incomprehensible words.
Please forgive the delay, GooHatBlue - we're low on respondents at the mo, but I or someone else will be with you as soon as poss!
While reading your post, I felt how accurately that resonates with my thoughts time to time. Yes, there are days when you just don't want to do anything because you think you are the biggest failure or you did not live up to your expectations and you feel like what's the point of doing all this. But on the other side, there are moments when you get excited like the girl smiled back at you or attending your Dad's birthday or you want to start something new... I suggest, these are the moments (later) you want to focus on.
I know it's hard when your own mind is pulling you down with all the negative thoughts, but try to keep your focus on positive things. For this, I imagine my mind has two personas (it could be more, but let's say two for simplicity). One always has evil or negative thoughts and it keeps looking down on me (like that nasty relative who nags and despises you :D ). And the other persona is a weak voice who gets excited when you do things you like, which is closer to you but not louder or affectionate enough. I'm saying focus on that other voice. Try to hear it more often. Try to make it louder. I guess I'm saying start loving yourself more. It's hard as hell and you might even think it as artificial or deliberate. But believe me, self love comes very naturally to some people, but for people like us, we have to LEARN it. I'm just learning, learning, learning and I feel I'm still not there yet. But never give up.
Try to achieve small things, like changing a light bulb or fixing a meal, or attending a hobby class (giving random chores here, you can choose any) and pat yourself good. I guess we are the people who constantly want to hear encouragement from others. I say, why not give encouragement to ourselves and MOVE ON. Why wait for other's approvals. (Even if I say this, I'm in constant need of those approvals, but I'm trying to be better and trying to listen to only my voice).
I'm not sure if you like listening to K-POP. But once when I was down, I listened to KPOP BTS music. BOY, it blew me away. Their lyrics were so apt, I couldn't believe, something I needed. They have songs on self-love and what not. It just jolted me from my slumber. Find your own music which lifts your mood when you are down. It helped me.
Moreover, try to find your inspiration sources. We have been doing this since childhood but we forget along the way how to do it. I'm still struggling on how to do it right. I list down things that I like to do (Tasks that make my mind calm and does not have negative thoughts). When I'm feeling down or depressed, I go through the list and pick up something which will help me. It helps to distract away from those thoughts.
HANG IN THERE. You are NOT ALONE and you are NOT AT FAULT. It's just your mind playing tricks on you. Try to navigate through those tricks unscathed. Let me know how it goes. I'm curious if this will help. Best Wishes and Good Luck!!
I agree with Blue_Sky's recommendation to take Baby Steps. The problem is that despite your mountain climb, when you start to take these steps, is not steep, you don't know that because you're stood at the bottom, looking up. When you do this, it appears too much of a feat, definitely too daunting. So what happens next is, your mind seeks safety back in its cage and looks for reasons to justify itself doing so (such as your smiling at the waitress while giving off a negative vibe; you should only try that when you're well inside the self-confidence zone)...enter you having a reason to start clubbing yourself back into the cage with nasty, defeatistic thoughts about yourself.
It's not a mountain, you have to climb. It's just a mountain path that you have to stroll as it steadily, gently winds upwards...or at times, jog, and at others, sit on one of the benches provided and take in the view, chillax, have a slob-out day....whatever, it's up to you what pace you take. But just TAKE.
Truth is, it never matters what action we decide to take - as long as we do. It's NOT taking action that's the killer.
New mantra: Any action is better than no action.
Hope that helps too? And do feel free to take up Blue_Sky's offer to play penpal and 'discuss out' your feelings. I'd like to read up on any progress, too (no matter how tiny - changing your situation even a smidgen is still a start). :)
Are you there? Just checking in... How are you doing? I hope you are doing well and found something that keeps you busy.
It is ESSENTIAL that we doubt our words because our words come from our magnetic minds that have gathered every single experience we have had.
Our 'LIFE' is made up of CONNECTIONS of EXPERIENCE
Experiences, intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs.
What we do.
Whats been done to us.
Anything that can be connected and imagined.
And what we sense.
It is essential that we decide what is TRUTH
It is essential that we use our heart to determine what the truth is.
Patiently, caringly, spelling out the truth for ourselves
So we can understand ourselves and lead ourselves with the right beliefs
It is our fundamental human purpose, to CONNECT LIFE. Truth and love.
We are ALL rooted with LIGHT, a fountain of life, but we don't all radiate light, peace, positive energy. We have all had bad experiences that lead us to feel bad. While some people truly can't stop feeling bad others just don't know that they NEED to. They don't know that they start to drain life from around them if they are not connected to their own source.
Zombies are common in films today because it is a reflection of DISCONNECTION. being THIRSTY for LIFE, blood, eating other people.
Understanding your truth gives you peace.
Understanding your truth connects you to your life.
Understanding your truth leads you to more life because having defined problems you can define what you need to move forward and free.
Our thoughts and feelings were everything to us for the first few years of life. We were CONNECTED with positive energy. We wanted what we needed to be able to feel PEACE. WE WERE TRUTH. Then experiences created a lot of clutter that got in the way of our ability to see truth and understand ourselves.
The heart beats because it is given LIGHT (connections of the combined energies of truth and love). We were given LIFE.
Every living thing on earth has a purpose, it is to connect truth and thats all our lives want to do... but we get in the way. We have experiences that create belief that get in the way for us to believe in our light.
--- I watched the film THE WHALE this year and it addresses the very real health crisis America is facing. We all have and lose our senses. We all have times when we are literally unable to sense when we have had enough because we are disconnected from our lives. We don't FEEL full when we ARE full.
We have all had bad experiences that disconnect us from our lives and carry us away from the truth. We get lost in our heads or our hearts not using both to lead us forward. We get stuck in emotional spirals of energy that drag us down. (look up EMOTIONAL SPIRAL) Its a science. There is nothing wrong with you, we are scientifically pulled by energy.
By connecting to truth with love in our hearts, by connecting truths and feeling love, by learning about the things we care about...we create connections of LIFE. We connect to the UPWARD EMOTIONAL SPIRAL.
But we have to make CHOICES that get us there.
We forget what makes us feel good and we are in a habit of doing what we do, thinking what we think, feeling how we feel that we find comfort in our discomfort. We have to break those patterns and CHANGE our THOUGHTS, WORDS, ACTIONS, FEELINGS.
We have to MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO FEEL GOOD. PEACE.
Our lives are supposed to be centered around that one mission. Doing what we need to do to feel peace.
Find, buy or create a bracelette that will always remind you to ask yourself 'WHAT DO I NEED TO FEEL GOOD'?. The reason I want you to make it into a bracelette is because it is a CIRCLE - A symbol of something NEVER ENDING. You never want to stop feeling good. PEACE.
That doesn't mean that you are not supposed to push yourself in work out routines from time to time, because you know that you will feel good after and long term.
That doesn't mean that you are going to eat a pie because it feels good, because you know that you will feel bad after.
GET A NOTEBOOK, and or CREATE A SPACE ON YOUR WALL IN YOUR ROOM AND GATHER ALL THE ANSWERS YOU CAN to the question. 'WHAT DO I NEED TO FEEL GOOD' (DEFINE FREEDOM)
You need to get out of your head and into the 'HEAD' that you create on your wall or in your notebook. There was a time when I first started giving myself therapy that I taped the most beautiful photograph of myself onto the wall and answered the same question along with others all around it.
WHAT DO I NEED TO FEEL GOOD
I NEED TO
WHAT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE
WHAT DO I LIKE TO DO
WHAT ARE MY INTERESTS
WHAT TRULY MATTERS TO ME
WHAT I WANT TO GIVE MY TIME MY LIFE TO
Your life is yours to create and design.
You see...You are who you are until you create the connections that make you more.
Connections come from experiences
Experiences are made up of, intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs. (What has been done by us and to us)
EVERYONE IS who they are until they create connections that make them more.
We are ALL having experiences that are taking us away from who we are.
WE MUST CREATE EXPERIENCES that LEAD US TOWARDS who we want to be. But you MUST DEFINE who you want to be in order to get there.
Why did Brandon Fraser want that essay read over and over again? Because it was written honestly and it made him feel love. It was something that gave him life because it was truth.
He went on a real eating binge after the pizza delivery guy looked at him with disgust because he was full of negative energy and he made Brandon feel really bad. Feeling bad... he didn't know what to do to feel peace.
We are living in a world where people don't really care about others.
CARE is LIFE.
You need to protect and cleanse your senses so that you can stay on track with your life. Let me know if you want to know how to protect and cleanse your senses so that you can gain back control over your own life.
What is it to build a reality that we believe in?
A reality is made up of connections of LIFE
Intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs.
Were all over the map until we create our own
What do you love to do?
What do you love to think about?
What truly matters to you?
I have a planet of my own. my mind.
I was once hoping from one planet to others that were all around me
Trauma caused me to lose my mind
What grows on my planet?
Trees beleafs that I am compelled to live in because they exist
I am going through a kind of hell that I can't describe to you
Im secure within my own reality
Im secure with who I am and what I do
And I CANT STOP being me
I have balance
I have security
I have freedom
I live freely in my extraordinary bubble.... that is surrounded by an extraordinarily horrifying war.
Is it just me or can anybody else here make sense of all these replies by CONSTANT GARDENER?
It has started to feel like spam. I think when we post a question on this forum, we would like to get answers to those questions, not some convoluted, twisted, mind boggling paragraphs which have started to appear the same to me no matter what the question is.
May be my feeble mind is not capable of comprehending this spiritual answer. But I believe, this is not the right place to post this. May be I’m wrong and that is the appropriate (perfect?) answer. In that case, I’m sorry.
Moderators, can you please clarify my dilemma? - Thanks.
Hiya, Blue Sky!
I know - I agree. In fact, I told them so already...had a word with them on another thread...yesterday, I think it was.
Let me check...
Could you (on here) tell me whether or not you've read this below post from me to you on Aug 29 2023 at 19:20, please?