I used to be a very confident person with my life put together. I got good grades, looked fit, and had a social life. It all changed after a series of bad romantic experiences which led me to develop an anxious attachment style and a low sense of self-worth; something that my current partner is aware of.
Despite my baggage, my partner still fell for me due to our chemistry, as we are able to have long and consistent conversations almost every day and share the same views and morals on things. My partner saw the good in me and wanted to date me and to ´´heal´´ me from my past.
Despite our good times, our relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, especially for my partner. For the majority of times, my mind has been filled with never ending anxious thoughts that won´t die down which made me rely on my partner for constant reassurance and validation.
I had extreme jealousy issues (due to being cheated on), so I needed constant reassurance from my partner about their past, their friends, people they´ve met, etc. because I was afraid that my partner would cheat on me like what my ex did. I had insecurities about my appearance due to constant comparisons of that one girl my partner lost his virginity to (which made me extremely jealous), and I would rely on my partner´s validation on my looks to make me feel better. I would also demand my from partner a lot of quality time to a point where I lost my sense of identity because I thought it would make my partner stay interested. I had constant doubts if my partner really did love me, if my partner is telling the truth which would lead to endless interrogation sessions.
Our relationship would have a lot of good moments, where we were both happy and passionate which would eventually get ruined because I start to feel anxious again, leading to a fight, then the good moments happen again and the cycle repeats. Because of this, it made my partner feel more like a therapist and it caused my partner to fear on when the next issue would occur as it would happen every week/month.
Thankfully, my need for reassurance and validation decreased over time as I developed more trust in my partner. However, it hasn´t fully disappeared and I´m still very much dependent on my partner.
Recently, I noticed that my partner feels like spending less time with me and is prioritizing friends and gaming which made me feel rather unloved and anxious. Furthermore, our conversations had become stale due to spending so much time together that we ran out of things to say and that we both don’t have much going on in our lives. So, as an attempt to save our relationship, I brought the issue up and repeatedly told my partner how ´´un-loved´´ I´m feeling.
After a series of long talks and some trial and errors of solutions, my partner and I have come to realize that it is best that we just go with the flow, to take away the restrictions I set and that I should stop fearing and trust 100%. It worked well for a few days, only for me to mess up again.
I messed up because I impulsively told my partner that I feel unloved yet again because I felt neglected. It caused a last straw for my partner, almost leading to a break up. Fortunately, we both decided to give it a last try and thought of a last solution—which was that I needed to change my ways/attitude.
For the past year, I was so co-dependent on my partner. I had nothing going in my life, had no hobbies, no friends, was doing terrible in university, and felt so alone and I only relied on my partner for all my emotional needs. Maybe that’s why I felt so ´´un-loved´´ despite my partner´s efforts. We thought that maybe it’s because that I don’t have a life, it caused me to only notice the times when my partner isn’t around. So, as a last try and attempt, I´m working to change my ways.
So, I left my partner be and gave space to help my partner recharge and gain peace of mind. I stopped pestering my partner, and said some words of affirmation if needed. It has been a month of me trying and my partner has remained so cold and distant to me (especially since my partner has started a new job, feeling more exhausted). My partner is no longer as invested as they once were because my partner felt that their efforts aren´t good enough because I always seemed to be unsatisfied (due to my own insecurities and I’ve been projecting it).
This caused me to feel more anxious than ever. It made me start to ruminate on the worst case scenarios. I felt that what if its truly the end of our relationship. I fear that what if my partner never recovers and returns to the way they once were? What if my partner cheats on me due to being emotionally drained by me? What if I´m too late? My biggest fear is not being able to rekindle the relationship once I tried to work on myself and getting my partner back. Its preventing me from getting a life of my own.
I know that I´m FAR from the best partner, but I´m not willing to give up. I know it may be too late, but I don’t want to break up without trying. I know my partner deserves better, so I want to be better for my partner because they deserve it.
I don’t want to lose my partner for someone else. I want to be better and am determined to do so. I slowly start to realize my actions and I feel so guilty that it hurts. I shouldn´t have done what I did and I should’ve put more effort earlier but I was so controlled by my own fear that I didn’t even notice how badly it´s affecting my partner and my partner has never told me how badly it affected them so I was literally clueless. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it’s NOT an excuse.
I really need advice on how to get rid of such overthinking thoughts, how to rid of jealousy, and what I can do to get my partner to come back to their old-self and to flourish the love and passion again.
I don’t want my partner to leave me so please help me. Its my first time in actually having a loving and healthy relationship and I´m ruining it.
Thanks for your patience. I've not read ahead, except for the first few paras, and ALREADY, what I would say, is:
NAH-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! Don't you even go there. You're looking at this all upside-down (as well as judging him against the wrong backdrop within the wrong frame of reference (normal bloke, turned 'funny'/having a bad year)).
You're still in (genuine) Victim-Survivor mode, and just don't realise it. Why? Simple - and all too common.
(Google the terms in quote marks and initial Caps)
"I used to be a very confident person with my life put together. I got good grades, looked fit, and had a social life. It all changed after a series of bad romantic experiences which led me to develop an anxious attachment style and a low sense of self-worth;"
"something that my current partner is aware of)".
If you were a 'different person ' before those relationships - another way of saying "Lost Yourself" during them - then that's proof-positive that they left you fairly post-C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic) and over-Vigilant.
'The price of freedom is eternal vigilance' (- Thomas Jefferson).
It's not eternal; nowhere near. The over-vigilance settles down, inexorably and incrementally, with each passing month of no contact, and becomes part of your Auto Pilot's insta-skills. So that's Thomas "Catastrophising". (For the fact he even felt the need to write it, plus said catastrophising (amongst other clues), Thomas must have come freshly off some psychological battlefield with someone, still injured at the time of writing it.) However, the over-vigilance part still stands if you're trying to partner-up again despite - unbekownst to most victims - it's FAR TOO SOON and again, unbeknownst to you, you're still walking up that Recovery Path.
A NORMAL relationship and break-up, you're good to go from about 6 months to a year. But NOT with toxics, who, given the chance, cause said trauma. Then you need 2-5 years.
Depends on how deeply they got their hooks into you and how badly you were hurt during the "Devalue" stage of the corrupted NPD so-Bonding programme.
The trouble is, the Recovery Path is deceptive. You get to about a year or more along it and feel SO much better. What you don't know and can't tell, however, is that you've got a lot more ground still to cover and recovering and strengthening to come. It takes the whole path to give the slime (priming and toxic effect) time to slowly drip off at its own pace.
Until you do - healthy men will find you unattractive and know why, or just find themselves 'put-off' somehow.
Not so, romantic/social predators, though (see below). They get you when you're DOWN/INJURED...desperate for a cuddle, even.
'Better than 6 months ago', is not the same as 'All Better'/Healed. And where the bloke's concerned - better than the Ex(es) - or the seemingly refreshing opposite to the Ex(es) - is still not automatically Best, automatically healthy or even adequate. Plus, if you get attacked again - you can't get away with a still-serious limp.
Analogy: Picture a multi-storey staircase with intermittent landings. The landings are where you pause and take stock and realise you feel better than you did at the foot of that last flight or two. Those are where you're at risk of being kidded into thinking you're all done. Or as in your case - healed enough to date.
Nope. Keep climbing on your own - and the same happens again at the next landing up... Until you do hit that chequered flag at the very top (which, you by then realise has its own, very different, very distinctive sensation), you're like an injured, bleeding fish (unaware it is) in shark-infested water. The sharks can sniff your vulnerability from miles off and make a beeline for you. You are at very high risk (psych fact re NPD target-victims) of attracting a THIRD shark. But because you're vigilant for the 'breeds' you've already experienced thus (as far as you're concerned) CAN identify, what seems THIS TIME like a refreshingly normal-healthy bloke can in fact be just a different type of Toxic. Or more clever (at being stupid, relationship-, you-, and self-destructive... whatever/whichever).
Narc-Sociopaths, for example, at the start, and for far longer than your average Narcs, actions included (so that you'd have to be MAD not to trust them and let them move-in/whatever still too soon), can shapeshift to appear to fit your EXACT needs, Don't Wants, and seem the FURTHEST away from threatening. Some secretly follow and study you from afar for months before "bumping into you". (Yup, creepy.)
You'll probably find the phenomenon online, as something like, Why Narcissists come in threes. (...like buses, but stinkier).
(a) if you were deprived (always!) of understanding and closure by your NPD cheater - with your mind still hell-bent on *getting your understanding and closure, you can subconsciously choose or accept the exact same type but worse in order to get get to do a speeded-up, potted version of your prior relationship and get that closure for yourself);
(b) or go from a Grandiose to a Covert-Vulnerable. Very different-seeming. Nope, it's just surface style and slightly different modus operandum;
(c) Or, he could be worse than the first two put together, just a much better, longer- actor...a veteran who's had more practise acting a part from behind a mask, virtually 24-7, now a maestro and far more deeply Covert/missable...bar how strangely rotten you feel and how "off" the relationship feels.
Yours, I reckon, is a Covert Cerebral. THE WORST of the 'straight' Narcs (i.e. the Narcissistic-Sociopath is the giant, the heaviest and most dangerous and ruinous beyond just your heart and mind).
That's the background for how and why I can see right through your over-taking-of-responsibility and self-blaming in the following:
"Despite my baggage, my partner still fell for me due to our chemistry, as we are able to have long and consistent conversations almost every day and share the same views and morals on things. My partner saw the good in me and wanted to date me and to ´´heal´´ me from my past."
1. Normal-Healthy-Decent men don't want to be anyone's doctor, let alone a woman's. They want to date, and hopefully have a normal, uncomplicated, romantic-sexual relationship that unfolds slowly into something serious. Most are commitment-shy as it is - taking on that much responsibility on top is NOT their idea of an aphrodisiac. Neither do they have long conversations daily (they HAVE a life hence don't have that much spare time...and they find it too bloody hard to talk for that long at that depth).
But it's a great Narc ploy for inserting a giant hook, playing Rescuer. Because then you rely on them, TWO huge ways! Which means if you try to get away, you'll get your (mental) flesh ripped even worse than if he'd just been your bf. Getting you dependent on them is their aim, whether they falsely present as Rescuer or not.
Plus anyone with any common sense or any therapeutic knowledge worth knowing, knows that you can't be someone's therapist if you're dating or in any other way, personally involved with them (duh) - hence why actual psychotherapists aren't allowed to date their patients (duh).
Google "Narcissistic Victim-Hero Complex". But of the malignants, it's usually the Narc-Spaths (Parasitic and very talented at love-bombing, and fake epathy and charm...oh, and pretending to be a co- or once-victim) that really get you dependent on all levels for the longest, including for practical household help. Helps to persuade you to let them move in ('mates rates' (rent) ...into no rent...into a giant pre- or teenage son, living off (into misappropriating, into outright stealing) your money, energy, cononections, reputation, etc.).
***After all...try this giant leveller and wake-up pat-to-the-face: HOW RESCUED AND SAVED DO YOU AT THIS POINT FEEL?
And any point along?
(Yeah, funny that)
Maybe you feel the opposite.
(Yeah, even funnier (not))
How rescued do you think you sound?
Truth: if the thought of coming onto a forum full of strangers feels easier to do than continue as you are (struggling) with said person then basically, you are in relationship where you alone can not handle it or him. AND THAT IS A GIANT NEON-RED FLAG - MWAAP-MWAAP-MWAAP...'THIS SHIP WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN T MINUS X SECONDS'....
You do not ever need this level of help with a Normal-Healthy-Decent-...genuinely Nice bloke, when you hit a problem. And said nice bloke does NOT leave you feeling the same as, or worse-off than when you began. It's hard-ish work to be extra-considerate and thoughtfully wearing kid gloves, BUT EASY TO DO whereby the partner knows where they stand with you at every single point. A lot of genuine, natural-born Rescuers tend to go TOO far with the reassurances (until put straight)...because they hate that you're in pain. The thrills don't come from how constantly precarious the relationship feels, despite a Narcs fake 'hearts & flowers'.
It's too easy to make a woman you love feel safe (if that's what she truly is). It shouldn't even need to get raised as a topic.
Having been starved before - you'd have FELT it if he'd been as reassuring, even just a NORMAL degree - without any extra effort on top, I mean. A bog-standard normal-sized portion would have felt like a feast!
Seeing it yet?
"Despite our good times, our relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least,"
2. Exactly. Typical for a fauxlationship, type abusive. When they're in a good mood and7or getting their way, they can be anywhere from lovely to heavenly, which makes it nigh-on impossible to dump them. But their dark side is worse than Normal level dark...THAT'S THE TROUBLE. No matter their nice side (which shrinks as you go, I'm afraid), their dark side becomes too prolific, and intolerable...and their good side - Dr Jekyll - becomes no longer worth, having to put up with their nasty "Mr Hyde". The scales then tip from 'Stay' to 'Think About Leaving'.
"especially for my partner."
3. That's not what I see and hear (and extrapolate forwards/backwards to). I see and hear genuine NPD-victim, still confused. But then, I've been to Anti-NPD Specsavers (x-ray specs); you're still wearing Rose-tinteds and Guilt-tinteds.
BUT YOU DID COME HERE AND ARE BETWEEN-THE-LINES COMPLAINING AND QUESTIONING. So you're not low self-esteemed, just confused. Still in the "Narcissistic F.O.G" (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
4. I can also hear he's 'done a "DARVO"' on you.
"For the majority of times, my mind has been filled with never ending anxious thoughts that won´t die down which made me rely on my partner for constant reassurance and validation."
5. Yep. That's what they want because that's one of the ways they hook you.
How queer, though. I thought his intention was to rescue you, not exacerbate you.
With a Normal-Healthy, you don't need constant reassurance and validation, least of all have to ask for it. It's constantly in the actions.
Repeat: least of all, have to ask for it.
ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN THE GUY SIGNED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE AS YOUR WILLING RESCUER!
Gosh, didn't he realise parts of that would be trepidation, skittishness, and in need of extra nourishment than normal (from previous starving)...? Is this how he rescues - starts to starve you of love-food? If he's that ignorant over rescuing and subsequently that sh*t at it - why deem himself qualified to offer it?! Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.
Rescuer my arse. That was his giant Lure. Into his bloody cage of abuse. Exceedingly common. In fact, I'll BET you made some noises or movements that spelled-out to him that you didn't feel you were ready. Am I right?
Anyway, a nice, normal bloke would have been able to tell and wouldn't have found you 'attractive'.
"I had extreme jealousy issues (due to being cheated on), so I needed constant reassurance from my partner about their past, their friends, people they´ve met, etc. because I was afraid that my partner would cheat on me like what my ex did."
6. FAIR ENOUGH. Again - part of the Rescuer's duties! Again, those feelings would have abated long before if the guy had truly cared about how you felt and accordingly made an effort to stuff you full of reassurances (it ain't hard!).
Plus - Narcs are mostly cheaters / cheaters are mostly Narcs. You probably sensed he had it in him (thanks to your radar being extra activated - "cheers, Exes!"...every cloud...).
"I had insecurities about my appearance due to constant comparisons of that one girl my partner lost his virginity to (which made me extremely jealous),"
6. How on earth did you know enough detail about her TO make comparisons with her? In what way did he describe her as made you (i) feel the need to compare, and (ii) come away feeling inadequate, (iii) and that easily corrected problem never corrected by him!
NARC RED-FLAG - GIANT ONE!
"Narcissist Triangulation with their Ex" (e.g.).
Come ONNNN. Get off his Matrix! It is NOT YOU. You are NOT the problem. Anyone would think that being more reassuring than normal to your injured gf, both vocally and behaviourally, was difficult to do! You MUST be able to see it, now I'm picking it apart?
'Yours', I reckon, is a Covert Cerebral - THE WORST of the 'straight' Narcs, i.e. not as bad and 'heavy' as the Narcissistic-Sociopath. Saying that - yours gets nick-named Narcopath (everyday, small-fry, narcissistic-psychopath but secretly spiteful as uck and furtive-revenge-seeking which they dole out when you least need it or can handle it).
Google "Narcissistic Victim Blaming" and "Projection". Or "How Coverts nurture your insecurities". Actually - I'll get this one for you:
7 Ways Narcissists Make You Feel Inferior
People with strong narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic, and other dark personality traits (thereafter called narcissists) have a low and fragile sense of self-esteem. In order to cope, they need to constantly feel better than others. They always compare themselves to others and when they feel threatened, they will try to make the other person feel worse to elevate themselves and feel superior. Indeed, they think hierarchically and this plays out in different ways.
In this article we will review a few common tactics narcissists use to feel better than others, even if it hurts others and, oftentimes, precisely because it hurts others.
...2. Instilling Self-Doubt and Gaslighting
If you have the tendency to doubt yourself, it is very easy for a narcissist to push your buttons and manipulate you into submission. They can create self-doubt by playing on your insecurities and weak points.
Or, they can simply gaslight you by invalidating your feelings, memories, or experiences, and fundamentally making you doubt reality. You can read more about gaslighting in my previous article titled Gaslighting: What It Is and Why Its So Destructive.
By making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality, they can make you take responsibility for something that youre not responsible for, or make you feel guilty and coerce you into doing something you wouldnt otherwise do, or they may simply humiliate you to feel superior.
...4. Blaming and Projecting
Narcissists are known for never taking responsibility for anything that they are doing wrong, and denying any wrongdoings or negative character traits. They always blame others for everything, even if its clearly their own fault. One reason for that is to shift responsibility from all the horrible things that they are doing. If I blame others for it then nobody can blame me!
Furthermore, narcissists are experts at projection. They tirelessly accuse others of the things that they are doing, and attribute to others the negative traits that they exhibit. They use these common tactics to stay on the offensive, to put others on unstable ground, and to keep making others feel horrible. This is all to make themselves feel better.
I speak at length about narcissistic projection in the article 5 Ways Narcissists Project and Attack You."
((by long-term expert Shahida Arabi))
"4 Things You Don’t Realize They’re Doing Because They’re A Covert Narcissist
Covert or more vulnerable narcissists betray the traditional depiction of what we assume narcissists look like. They can appear more hypersensitive, shy, and even innocent. This is ultimately what makes them so dangerous – you rarely ever see them coming.
Appearing vulnerable, innocent, humble, and preying on your sympathy early on.
As psychologist Dr. Martha Stout notes, “The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.” She goes on to say that if the devil did exist, he would likely want us to feel sorry for him. There’s no bigger “victim” than a covert narcissist – even if the people they target have complex trauma histories that could easily “surpass” theirs. What lures their potential victims in so effectively is the façade covert narcissists put on. At the beginning of the relationship, they may express that they are insecure, fragile, depressed, anxious, struggling, and searching for true love. They might pretend to be humble, even though they’ll later become contemptuous and condescending toward you, lashing out at any perceived slight or threat to their need for superiority. They will ask you to play the smallest violin for them as they orchestrate long-winded monologues about the heartbreaking betrayals they’ve experienced at the hands of their exes (betrayals you later found out were either actually instigated by them or represent a severe distortion of what truly happened). Just as serial killer Ted Bundy used a crutch and faked an injury to bait his victims into helping him, the covert narcissist pretends to be a wounded bird to get you to nurse him or her back to health – only to find out that they lash out and punish those who show them kindness.
Acting like they’re the bigger person, even after committing the most heinous transgressions.
Unlike a grandiose narcissist who smugly puts you down overtly and aggressively, a covert narcissist derives status from being holier-than-thou and appearing to be the “bigger and better” morally superior person – especially if you ever “dare” to exhibit normal human imperfections or react to their chronic abuse. That is why they’ll regularly and callously violate your boundaries with cruelty, only to look down on you for holding them accountable or fighting back. They may claim that you are operating out of bitterness, are unforgiving, and cannot “let things go.” They might accuse you of “playing games” when they were the ones manipulating you all along. These double standards and hypocrisy become glaringly absurd to survivors who have experienced cruel and abusive tactics from the covert narcissists in their lives, only for these covert narcissists to label them immoral or immature.
If, for example, the covert narcissist spent most of the relationship attempting to control you, police your movements, and isolate you from others due to their jealousy and controlling nature, they will quickly turn the tables if you ever dare to question them on legitimately suspicious behavior, calling you immature for expecting basic respect and transparency from them. They will minimize their own pattern of controlling behavior and highlight your legitimate concerns as problematic, pathologizing your reactions to discrepancies in their claims. Or they may rage at you throughout the relationship but claim that you are aggressive the minute you express any valid anger toward them. They may also pretend they “only want the best for you,” as a way to present themselves as loving and compassionate, even if they’ve been anything but throughout the relationship. As they position themselves as the more “mature” party in the relationship, they will depict you as morally impoverished if you begin treating them with even an ounce of the same disrespect as they treated you with. In the covert narcissist’s mind, only they are entitled to violate you, after all.
"What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a specific form of abuse perpetrated by narcissists. According to Mead, it typically looks like one partner manipulating the other for personal gain.
"It is a form of relating with another where one demeans and controls the other," Perlin explains. She says whether the control is explicit, (e.g., I don't want you going over to your mother's house) or more subtle (e.g., I wish you wouldn't go out because I really need you tonight), the narcissist's goal is to keep their partner dependent on praise and preoccupied with the narcissist's needs.
Narcissistic abuse also tends to involve copious amounts of gaslighting, Mead adds. "This means they deny any wrongdoing when confronted by their partner, and they flip the situation in such a way that the victim is now to blame for whatever felt abusive."
When this happens repeatedly, the victim begins to question their own self-worth, intuition, and reality. In Mead's experience, abusers also alienate victims from friends and family so the victim feels isolated, alone, and afraid.
"There can be physical abuse, controlling one's money, free time, friendships, and opinions. The non-abusive partner is often called names, their motives are questioned, and they are told how to feel," Perlin adds. The abusive partner may justify these actions by claiming to be well intentioned."
'Your' one has Gaslighted you A LOT, I can tell. Another strong indicator he's a Cerebral Covert. Like malignant narc-psychopaths, heir type don't even need their fists. They just keep on keeping you dizzy. Which is then doubled when you realise you're the only one doing any rowing of your little love-boat so are just going round and round in circles.
Is your brain starting to spin in a different direction yet under this new light? Is it going 'Haaang on a cotton pickin' minute...?!' regarding past behaviours, vocalisations, events and motives?
I'll continue anyway...
"and I would rely on my partner´s validation on my looks to make me feel better. I would also demand my from partner a lot of quality time to a point where I lost my sense of identity because I thought it would make my partner stay interested. I had constant doubts if my partner really did love me, if my partner is telling the truth which would lead to endless interrogation sessions."
7. Why endless? (...as if I didn't know). Is he really THAT INCREDIBLY CRAP at being credibly reassuring?!
Trust me - he bloody LOVED that you were "interrogating" him, and he really enjoyed refusing to cooperate - whereby even after hours of it, you came away as empty or more empty-handed than when you'd started.
Me, I could reassure you in five minutes flat. SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, THEN. (See it now?)
"Our relationship would have a lot of good moments, where we were both happy and passionate which would eventually get ruined because I start to feel anxious again, leading to a fight, then the good moments happen again and the cycle repeats. Because of this, it made my partner feel more like a therapist and it caused my partner to fear on when the next issue would occur as it would happen every week/month."
8. "Narcissistic Cycle Of Abuse". If it DIDN'T feature just enough good moments, you wouldn't stick around (think about it).
9. He pigging-well *volunteered* to be 'your therapist'! It's how he clinched the deal!
Did he think he could do that and somehow NOT feel "like a therapist"? WHAT A CROCK. But how effective for making you feel like the problem and a complete drag and constant irritant.
Covert Cerebrals are so 'up their own a*ses without a cause', so quietly smug and pompously superior, but more than that - more humiliating, including through the fact that your logical mind KNOWS they're not even in your league, let alone fit to lick your boots, normallly, and yet here is this dweeby, cowardly, weasel with this weird hold over you. Did I mention pompous and haughty (once the mask comes off)?
Let's just sew this part up by saying - He bare-faced lied in his interview and trial period. Like they do.
"Thankfully, my need for reassurance and validation decreased over time as I developed more trust in my partner. However, it hasn´t fully disappeared and I´m still very much dependent on my partner.
10. No. I'm sure it hasn't. And that'll be because (i) you've been taught to censor yourself rather than lose him (is waving The Sword Of Damocles above your head all the time), and (ii) he's "Managed Down Your Expectations".
Note the ultra-subtle or downright ambient Sword-waving is a Cerebral speciality.
PS: They tend to be Cerebral because they're not good-looking, 'fit' nor charming enough to 'be' a Somatic.
"Recently, I noticed that my partner feels like spending less time with me and is prioritizing friends and gaming which made me feel rather unloved and anxious. Furthermore, our conversations had become stale due to spending so much time together that we ran out of things to say and that we both don’t have much going on in our lives. So, as an attempt to save our relationship, I brought the issue up and repeatedly told my partner how ´´un-loved´´ I´m feeling."
11. What would a normal bloke do in the face of all of that, if he weren't intending to put the situation right? Oh, I know! He'd end the relationship 'with regret'.
Why isn't yours? Answer: the fauxlationship is exactly how he likes and wants it AND ENGINEERED IT. He complains about your complainta, only to keep you down, not because he doesn't like you complaining. If he didn't you complaining, he'd do what it easily took to remove your need to. (Duh?)
12. And Narcs always lose their once-(fake)-urge to chat-chat-chat. Standard sign. The cerebral starts to fail to notice you for hours...days...
"After a series of long talks and some trial and errors of solutions, my partner and I have come to realize that it is best that we just go with the flow, to take away the restrictions I set and that I should stop fearing and trust 100%. It worked well for a few days, only for me to mess up again."
13. Go with the flow? What the flow that's slowly-but-surely tearing you and only you to shreds?
14. Oh. Where are you going to GET this instant trust? Are they selling it at M&S? NO, IT HAS TO BE (AAAARGH, I CAN'T STAND COVERT-CEREBRALS!!!) EARNED!
Crock of sh*t, as per.
15. Only a few days - well, what a surprise. No, you did NOT mess up. You were SET UP. Another Cerebral symptom, OH, THEY HAVE ALL THE PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES AND THEN SOME!
"I messed up because I impulsively told my partner that I feel unloved yet again because I felt neglected."
16. GOOD. PROVES YOU (at least) WORK RIGHT!
But, no you didn't.
This is Classic Textbook, seen this a thousand times AND lived it. Jeez, I was bloody married to it.
"It caused a last straw for my partner, almost leading to a break up."
17. Tell him I told him to eff-off.
18. No - UN-fortunately. You know I'm right. You're just addicted and feel like you've no choice but to do as he says "or else the puppy gets it"...painfully. (You have choices. You have ALL the power and always did, HENCE, his campaign to reduce you, threaten you into self-censorship while he gets to maltreat and misbehave with impunity...all of that. Next, he'll cheat on you (it's what they do).
"*we both decided to give it a last try and thought of a last solution—which was that I needed to change my ways/attitude."
19. You bloody don't, you know. He does. But he can't. And even if he could, he wouldn't. This relationship is exceptionally loaded in his nasty-boy favour.
You need to do some surfing, missus. You'll see I'm right.
"For the past year, I was so co-dependent on my partner. I had nothing going in my life, had no hobbies, no friends, was doing terrible in university, and felt so alone and I only relied on my partner for all my emotional needs."
29. That's how the majority of their victims end up, yes. For starters, you need CONFIDENCE to remain sociable.
Trust me. You are not the problem - other than you were injured and needed No Relationship or Parter With Kid Gloves. Instead, you got Lord Snooty.
You read up on the web and you'll puff up like The Incredible Hulk with all your confidence back, and won't give a T*SS if he ends it - you'll throw a party instead!
"Maybe that’s why I felt so ´´un-loved´´ despite my partner´s efforts."
30. Efforts? HAH! *I'VE JUST HEARD HIM!
"We thought that maybe it’s because that I don’t have a life, it caused me to only notice the times when my partner isn’t around. So, as a last try and attempt, I´m working to change my ways."
31. Oh, what - you'll join some club and someone there will feed you instead?
Don't you dare change your ways.
"So, I left my partner be and gave space to help my partner recharge and gain peace of mind. I stopped pestering my partner, and said some words of affirmation if needed."
In other words, without knowing, you gave him a cheater's holiday.
Sounds like you also (hhhh, how dare you!) made a decision. Even though it provides the above holiday, that won't stop BoyFiend being offended and seethingly resentful (yep - cuckoo!). And that's why he's MUTINEERING *your* break. Typical.
"It has been a month of me trying and my partner has remained so cold and distant to me (especially since my partner has started a new job, feeling more exhausted). My partner is no longer as invested as they once were because my partner felt that their efforts aren´t good enough because I always seemed to be unsatisfied (due to my own insecurities and I’ve been projecting it)."
AGAIN - THEN WHY NOT DO THE NORMAL THING AND FINISH YOUR 'RELATIONSHIP'. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: BECAUSE IT'S EXACTLY HOW HE LIKES HIS FAUXLATIONSHIPS.
He probably wasn't even single to begin with. They never are. Out of all the Narcs, these ones are the worst for being intolerant of being without constant company (distraction). Unlike the N-Spath, they tend not to have a secret harem, but just cheatingly hop from one mistress (free prozzie) to the other.
Next he'll start creating fights in order that you have to have ANOTHER fake Time-Out - you watch.
"This caused me to feel more anxious than ever."
There'd have to be something wrong with you if it hadn't!
But - here - you sound like you'd snapped awake a bit when you typed that. GOOD.
"It made me start to ruminate on the worst case scenarios. I felt that what if its truly the end of our relationship. I fear that what if my partner never recovers and returns to the way they once were? What if my partner cheats on me due to being emotionally drained by me? What if I´m too late? My biggest fear is not being able to rekindle the relationship once I tried to work on myself and getting my partner back. Its preventing me from getting a life of my own."
No, the impact of coming back down to earth from once-Cloud 9 is what's preventing you from getting a life of your own. Underneath it all, you don't even LIKE him (and little wonder!). But you're addicted. That's the truth.
The good news is, going Cold Turkey over a Narc is p*ss-easy compared to Alcohol. And you're here now. Safe. Supported. Up his a*se and round the corner. Plus, they're but an illusion - and so is your attachment.
"I know that I´m FAR from the best partner, but I´m not willing to give up. I know it may be too late, but I don’t want to break up without trying. I know my partner deserves better, so I want to be better for my partner because they deserve it."
Listen to me. There IS no relationship. No, he doesn't deserve it, as I've lengthily illustrated. He just seems like he does because Cerebral Covrts are the best Gaslighters of the entire bunch.
Your Narc is doing exactly what mine did. FYI. In the same order. FYI.
"I don’t want to lose my partner for someone else."
You don't have a partner.
She won't be someone else, she'll be someTHING else. Like you. An object at his disposal to exploit. Cerebrals REALLY hate women the most, too. (And a lot of them are secretly homosexual. Or should be.)
"I want to be better and am determined to do so. I slowly start to realize my actions and I feel so guilty that it hurts. I shouldn´t have done what I did and I should’ve put more effort earlier but I was so controlled by my own fear that I didn’t even notice how badly it´s affecting my partner and my partner has never told me how badly it affected them so I was literally clueless. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it’s NOT an excuse."
and my partner has never told me how badly it affected them so I was literally clueless.
Duz der poor wickle baby not know how to use his wordy-words, den? Awww.
Crock. It's called, kept in the dark and fed sh*t so that he can maintain this cushy-for-him set up. If he doesn't find someone to cheat with, or a better (easier) target (actual doormat), at least he'll have you to fall back on.
"I really need advice on how to get rid of such overthinking thoughts, how to rid of jealousy, and what I can do to get my partner to come back to their old-self and to flourish the love and passion again."
Get rid of him.
You will, you know. This is just the start of your escape. You're JUST starting to wake up. Best you read this a number of times and give yourself time for it to settle in.
"I don’t want my partner to leave me so please help me. Its my first time in actually having a loving and healthy relationship and I´m ruining it."
Well, alright, then. No need to panic - you're safe - there's a whole big menu to choose from. I know what I'm doing even if you don't. We'll counter-manipulate him and engineer it so that you get to keep HIM as a reserve until YOU'RE ready to dump the dud.
But you're not the one ruined it. It was ruined from Hello. More surfing will show you that.
Me, I could have him grovelling at your feet to take you back and forgive him. But it wouldn't last longer than 5 minutes. His corrupt programmes would force him back to tearing shreds off you. They can't change and aren't curable - hence they're 'Pathological'.
Aren't they clever, though, that they can get their victim to be utterly (well, not utterly but almost) CONVINCED that THEY'RE the one who ruined it? (Yup - stupid in a very clever way. Especially as you sound really, really sweet...normal-healthy blokes LOVE that.)
HE is your problem. And your exes before, that, thanks to this pompous manipulator, you couldn't finish healing from...not when this guy inserted knives into your only almost-healed wounds and put you right back.
PS: Coverts are on the whole created by parental abuse in the form of Neglect.
PPS: I'll look up another past poster whose story has strong parallels with yours, especially THIS PARTICULAR POINT of the rotten proceedings...dig it out for you. Feel free to reply meantime, though.
You'll be alright, don't worry. More than alright. It's how this goes once you get the correct support and encouragement (including me insisting in your face that you are not-not-not the problematic element - not to his giant degree).
(Sorry this was so lengthy but that's the trouble when you're at your 'only just waking up' point. More to teach and explain. But take all the time you need. And try to slow down or take a few days off so that your mind will have the lion's share of your daily energy quotient and work out what's what, faster and more easily. Also ensure you get enough fat, fatty fish, and water.)
You’re clearly a very intelligent person and your self awareness is strong so it will be easy for you to understand that the mind is a planet of its own, a universe of its own.
We are born with fertile soil ready to grow anything and with DNA prints that hold doors. Our experiences create doors and paths that life flows through feeding what we connect.
Experiences hold LIFE. Life that CONNECTS LIFE growing gardens and the landscapes of our mind. Experiences are made up of INTENTIONS, THOUGHTS, WORDS, ACTIONS, FEELINGS, BELIEFS, what we have done and what has been done to us.
Your planet was peaceful, flowing with life, growing good things.
Your planet had some bad experiences and forgot how it used to operate.
Energy carried you away growing different thoughts and feelings changing your landscape.
Do you remember what life was to you before the problems? Do you remember what your CONNECTIONS OF LIFE WERE, WHAT YOU BELIEVED IN? Do you remember what your intentions, thoughts, words, actions, feelings, beliefs were? Do you remember what made you feel alive? Write this question down and gather your thoughts.
By reconnecting to what made you feel alive you will connect to plants that used to give you life and they will give you life again. Maybe you loved trees as a child, hockey, helping others, music, film, design, teaching, science, math, bugs, technology, photography, reading, learning, swimming, sitting under a tree, building things…
Think hard about what matters to you, we are all on this earth designing our own realities, taking care of our needs and engaging in the things that we enjoy. Then at some point after we have learned how to manage our own lives we position ourselves to help take care of other peoples needs and supporting their freedom. Do you hope to have a family one day? You are practice for your future. Once you learn how to take care of your body, mind, and soul you will find someone that wants to be your team mate in life and together you will thrive instead of just go in circles and patterns of behaviour and not growing.
Look long term, you want to be self actualized as soon as you can so that you can be free and so that life is EASY, leaving room for you to be able to manage the troubles that life brings like loss, injustice, leadership, accidents, illness, and old age.
‘I want to be the kind of person that can…’ Dream about the answer to that question and then build yourself to be that person. No one is born being awesome, they train themselves and it is never to late to take control over your life. Think in all kinds of terms from, being able to fix my own plumbing and electrical systems, to being able to raise a princess of a daughter, to having the right thing to say to a grieving friend, to being able to get everyone laughing at parties. Everything takes steps, steps that you have to take. Be your own principal to your own school of life, defining who can be inside the doors, what subjects matter to you…
It is important to stop growing, connecting to, thinking, feeling, talking, reexperiencing bad experiences. Have you seen the show FRIENDS? Do you remember when Monica went out with ‘Paul the wine guy’ and he lied to her just to get her to sleep with him? What did she do after? She stomped on his watch. It’s a symbol of her no longer spending any more time thinking about him or what happened. Time. Tie me. Connections. No more connections to him. No more energy on those connections that is a part of her life. You need to stop connecting to negative experiences from the past. They are growing inside of you becoming harder to move forward from.
Move forward with the truth. You are a free man. You are a free man that has had lots of experience in life to learn from and by that I am talking about human nature, the science of the mind, your mind being a planet, a garden that you need to constantly landscape so that you can be free.
Do you hold anger towards the people that hurt you? You can let it go by understanding that negative energy has a hold on everybody and everybody is saying and doing things that are not true. Let it all go. You know that you have said and done things that you don’t mean, so you know… people get carried away.
We are puppets of the supernatural and nature until we learn to balance our lives with our intelligence. Our intelligence has to be fuelled and filled with the facts of life. Hollywood is the school of life… get focused and look for the truths that producers are trying to help us realize. I make notes about almost everything I watch because they are sharing FACTS of LIFE. The more truth we believe in, the more secure we are. There is actual LIFE in the truth.
So don’t waste your time stuck on thoughts and feelings that hurt, instead move forward with truth and love. CARE. Care about life. Care about your life. Find the words that set you free. Get out of the bad gardens with WORDS thoughts and feelings, EXPERIENCES that make you feel peaceful.
We are all in a war that surrounds us, an energy war. And we are all in a war within our own minds and bodies having to manage the life we connect, and having to reconfigure everything so that we connect to freedom and feel peace.
If you were my friend I would suggest that you give yourself a rebirth. If you can move apartments do that and take as little into the future with you as possible and definitely don’t take anything that reminds you of bad experiences.
Get a journal and define your future.
These should be section headings and you should gather all the answers you can and then refine them. This is essentially defining your NEW TRACK OF LIFE.
Change takes time.
Spell our your connections and follow your own instructions.
I actually do this every so often just to give myself a rebirth, and there is so much power in simplicity. Starting with the basics of life, raising myself like I am a baby, or if you like computers you can look at it like getting a new computer and inputing the hardware programming yourself. What do you want to be able to do? Be free.
Feel good and peaceful.
Because from there… almost anything reasonable is possible!!
There is SO MUCH PEACE IN JUST BEING ME.
Not a product of what life has done to me
And that’s what you need. You need to love being you and you need love your life.
Just an idea. Who is your favourite actor or actress? Imagine a movie that starred that person and their REBIRTH. How might that story go? Write a point form outline of the story and then do it for yourself.
Be the star in your own story.
If you want to keep a relationship with her, tell her you are going away for a a few months, I suggest 3. To refocus so that you can be the man you can and need to be.
I don't know if what I have written makes sense to you, if it does and you want more advice....Please do not hesitate to ask me.