Job or me
My husband who is 56 is a sales rep and stays away many times over the years. He went abroad 9 years ago to do training for the job now he is going back again for two days.
He usually stays away at least five times in the year. I’ve never liked his job because it takes him away and also because I think he’s cheating on me.
There as been trust issues with me finding dating sites on his phone and porn use as well. This as all had me feeling I can’t trust him and we have been to marriage counselling for years about this. He as never had to go abroad again so I’m shocked when he said it’s a big sales meeting and they are going to the factory over there. He won’t be back til late Friday so it’s like 3 days he away.
We have argued so much about this and he said he cannot do anything else. He said if he could find a job that as the same money then he would give it up.
For years I have watched him going away whilst I stay at home. I dont work, have no family to turn to and our kids are grown up and living away. I’m all alone whilst he’s away and I know I need a life away from him and the home and then I wouldn’t rely on him so much then.
I have stayed away myself when he as gone because it’s horrible being in the house all alone.
I keep thinking he’s having a great time with meals and hotels paid for and he’s so lucky he as a job like that. He said he doesn’t like the people he works with and as to be nice to them cos of his job.
I have felt second best to his job and I’ve wondered if he gives it up and does something else it would stop me having trust issues and all the stress it causes.
He always says I’m unreasonable yet I’ve been here since he started this job 9 years ago and put up with all the nights away he’s had. I have hardly had any from him and was thinking when he gets home should I stay away so that would mean we won’t see each other for five days and the weekend will be spent apart. Should I ? I want him to see what it’s like being at home all alone and without anyone to talk to.
I know he will look at porn as well when he’s there and he said he doesn’t look anymore but I think he’s lying. Also a office woman will be going and I’m not sure if something as gone on between them. He denies there as.
We have been together 31 years married 27.
I sometimes think if we get a divorce would it be better because I’m sick of watching him go away yet again and again and I’m stuck at home.
I think deep down he enjoys staying away and doing what he wants and as a good time. He will say he doesn’t but I know he’s lying.
We stay away when we can and have holidays and go out for meals and the cinema.
Should is job be before me? If I find a job and bring some money in it will help but his job he gets bonuses so it pays for stuff.
I hate my life that I’ve let it turn out this way and feel I can’t escape it. I only have hotels to stay in and wished I had family to stay with to save money and to have somewhere to go.
If I had a job like his he would just say, ok I will miss you but see you when you get home and speak to me in the evening but when he goes away we argue and we don’t speak til he gets home.
I’m jealous of his job and going away. I should not of had the kids do young and should of made something of myself.
I want to have a better life for me.
He said someone had to bring in the money years ago when I was raising our kids and he used to work in a office u til he went on the road.
He makes me feel that without his job our lives will be hell and he’s got do it. Like this is it, we can’t change things even thou the job comes between us and causes all cause of stress and heartache and I feel trapped.
Am I unreasonable? He as never had to put up it’s me staying away for days at a time throughout the year and I’ve done it for at least 20 years when he’s had other sales jobs.
Should we get divorced. Should he choose the job over me? Should I get a life of my own away from him? He said he sees how his life is making mine and to let me get what I want. Ive told him maybe I should not be in his life because he can’t do what he wants to do and stay away without it causing all the arguments. I’ve told another woman would be ok with him staying away but I can’t and think he’s cheating and having v a great time . We argued so much about this recent trip that we are sleeping separately and he walked out of the room when I was there. I wished yo gif I had somewhere to stay to get away from him and leave him alone in the house for a few days.
I’ve cried so much that my eyes are swollen because of his f….n job
That sounds like a decision right there or you're doing the laundry?
I read this and I really feel for you.
I hate that you feel all alone (I've experienced that).
I hate that you have been crying (done plenty of that myself).
I don't want to give any advice as I haven't any qualifications to do so
and my marriage didn't last long. To have been together this amount of time
is a credit to you! Well done! Seriously...take a bow!
I can relate to your words when you say you've been a girlfriend, then wife, then Mother and supported
your partner through his job for all these years. It is really hard to be the 'sacrificial one'.
Watching others get more time out, some freedom and fulfil some of their wants.
They never seem to realise that they couldn't have done this without you to fall back on.
After a while they take you for granted and you sure do come in handy.
It is so hard to look back and realise mistakes made. Best look forward.
What do they say?
Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery.
I wish to provide comfort and let you know you've been heard.
Your time typing away wasn't for nothing.
Somebody with some real advice (and credentials) will be with you as soon as they can.
This chat forum is bogged down at the moment lacking respondents.
I just don't want you to feel alone.
I'm here. I'm not much help but I do care that you are going through this.
Makes me sad for you.
I clearly understand how you feel. I've been in that situation to certain extent. I know the pain of having him not around. Each day feels like ages. You just keep thinking and keep crying for no reason. It's really hard to get through. What makes matter worse is that the husband is hardly bothered by all this. He will not understand your mind. He will run away from all the emotional situations (drama in his opinion).
Marriage does feel like that after few years, isn't it? It's the same story with everyone. We know each other so well that there is no need to talk to each other anymore. For example, my husband doesn't know that I'm not talking to him for last 3 days. I just answer his questions and do my daily stuff. He has no clue that I'm upset. He is not even bothered and to the slightest if he gets a whiff, he chooses to ignore pretending nothing is wrong. How do you make a case with that? I realized my problem is that I'm too dependent on him for my happiness. It shouldn't be. We can totally live together, like roommates and live our own lives separately. I guess that's the key to successful marriage. Don't bother and don't GET bothered :D :D.
In your case, it is little different as you suspect your husband could be cheating on you. Did you try to verify / confirm if it's really the case? I would say not to make any conclusions before finding the truth. Did you try to have honest conversation with him about how you actually feel? (I hope it would go better than my case where husband just ignores what I have to say).
Can you engage in some social / community activities like hobby class, solo trips, community gatherings, etc to take your mind off from this issue for a while? I guess, taking a break would help here. I would suggest to just detach yourself (from these thoughts, or your husband) somehow may be for a month or so. (May be take a trip somewhere or engage in completely new skill / hobby, etc.) This may give you a chance to revisit your thoughts later with new perspective. What I'm trying to say is taking a 'divorce' is a big decision and it should be done with clear mind.
I'm not sure if I can give you right advice. These are just based on my personal experience. Although, trust me, I'm with you. I know how you must be feeling and it's no good feeling to have. I hope you find ways to keep your mind restful (which is hard to do in these situations). I feel for you. You are not alone. Hang in there. Best wishes.
As soon as I found that he has dating sites on phone, I would have an exit interview with him.
And by exit interview I mean, I would take some time to close this chapter of my life.
I would get an appraisal on the house so that I can get my fair share.
I would consult a lawyer so that I can get what is fair.
But most importantly I would plan the most wonderful weekend away for just the two of us.
I would approach the entire situation straight on and as if he was my very best friend and not my husband.
This life is a JOURNEY. We wish the best for one another.
I wouldn't be emotional-angry but I might get emotional-sad at times.
I would explain what the purpose of a marriage is. ENERGY SECURITY is the top priority. Then HEALING. Then GROWTH.
We are meant to secure, protect one another as we pursue our individual destinies, and explore TRUTH and LOVE (LIFE) together.
If we are not CONNECTING, we are not living up to the very important NEED we have in life. PROTECTION.
My love for him will want him to find the one that gives him the protection he needs.
And I know that I NEED protection.
Have you seen the film YOU'RE NOT YOU - With HILARY SWANK?
On your weekend away together celebrate the time you spent together and wish each other well
Help him define his needs so that he can be on course to find what he needs.
I wouldn't take the house because it would hold past energy and connections to your memory that will make it harder for you to move forward.
Consider yourself FREE.
And one day.... true love will find you.
Until then. LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE YOUR LIFE.
Age is just a number. Consider yourself a young woman out in the world for the first time.
PS. The porn wouldn't bother me too much if it was only once in a while, like a few times a year. If he grew up looking at porn, its how he is built and men need to FLOW with that RUSH to promote health. To feel alive in old connections. I also worry that I won't be satisfactory in bed, I believe in LOVE MAKING, not wild sex... so, if he loves me, but sometimes wants to imagine doing things to another that he's not going to do with me... then... thats okay. I think its good for the prostate too, to masterbate once in a while. But I don't know.
I DO know that I don't want him to ever feel guilt for his humanity. (Look up the CHEROKEE WOLF STORY - IT IS POWERFUL) Have you seen TOM HANKS AND JULIA ROBERTS in one of my favorite films LARRY CROWNE?! That film is a good idea to watch for a few reasons. It reflects the porn issue but it also reflects 'starting a new chapter'. Perhaps taking a class at a college or independent school to learn something you have always wanted to do will lead you to new horizons. I know I have been dreaming about cooking classes. If I could eat raw and canned food forever Id be happy, but how I dream of making lovely dinners for my husband one day.
PPS: An alternative route would be to pull a BARBARA STREISAND in THE "MIRROR HAS TWO FACES"!!
It sounds strange but I am saying... have fun with it... CREATING FREEDOM.
I BELIEVE IN MAKING LOVE
I LOVE HIM
ITS ALL EXPRESSION OF THE LIFE I CREATE WITHIN
SO BEHIND EVERY KISS... IS .... LIFE... CONNECTIONS HEART MIND AND SOUL THAT SAY......WHAT I THINK AND FEEL
I WILL banish his disease
But it requires him to allow my love to live
(Not hurt me too much)
Just to be clear... by saying 'BANISH HIS DISEASE'...
I am referring to the SPIRITUAL PRACTICE of using positive energy, the power of heart and mind.
DEEPAK CHOPRA has an audio series of meditations.
THE SOUL OF HEALING MEDITATIONS can be found online and on spotify and other apps to listen to.
The one entitled ENVOKING THE GODS OF HEALING really spoke to me. It supports our ability to heal ourselves.
But it can be used to heal those that we consider a part of us.
You might have noticed that Hollywood films are also trying to help us realize the power of CONNECTING our BODY MIND AND SOUL
CONNECTING OUR INTENTIONS THOUGHTS WORDS ACTIONS FEELINGS BELIEFS ALL TOGETHER
They are encourging us to to FOCUS ON OUR OWN BREATH GOING IN AND OUT OF US.
'DON'T LOOK UP' with Leonardo Dicaprio and 'AIR' with Ben Affleck are two films that recently surprised me with the vital lesson.
We are spiritual beings, everything that we are and everything that we do, is spiritually connected to life and meant to be with TRUE MEANING.
Our disconnection from truth and meaning is a disconnection from life itself.
We should and we COULD all be HEALING beings lifted by the powers of the earth, spiraling up in magical and evolutionary ways that humanity isn't realizing, but we are instead... we are caught up in patterns of negative energy, lost and broken... spiraling down.