Should I believe my boyfriend or is he just possessive?
My boyfriend has a tendency to be "possessive" in the sense that he sometimes can get a bit insecure if I don't text him too much, etc. including when I spend some time with my grown kids.
He now says if we live together he would not be that way because he would feel more secure.
Should I believe him? I don't think he is lying to me but it seems weird that he cannot feel just as secure if we live together or not.
I think you are right that he should feel secure whether you live with him or not. An insecure partner may be more difficult to live with as a possessive person may resent your interactions with others including grown-up children.This can create all sorts of tensions that you would be better off without.
Yeah, I'll bet you are!
I see what Francoise sees and senses - but I'm going to say it via both guns, in detail (- you've been drugged - otherwise you'd have dumped him already for his gobsmacking nerve re. what he's dared ask for - because YOU KNOW this is oh-so disturbingly wrong but can't get into normal gear...so you need it between both eyes to be woken properly up again - sorry in advance).
Define not texting him 'too much', i.e. define what Not Enough is, according to him?
Or don't even bother because, clearly, he COMPLAINS/CRITISIZES, rather than asks and attempts to persuade *nicely* and/or proposes a deal in terms of what he'd sacrifice (and for how long), note! And clearly he does it frequently enough that it is now a forum-worthy problem. (Actions, actions, actions.)
And clearly you disagree with his accusations as you've put possessive in quote-marks which actually serves no grammatical purpose but to draw attention to his possessiveness as well as show that there is an alternative word out there.
PS: "A BIT" insecure does not show a pervasive pattern of feeling threatened - by (compared to him) KIDS! - nor certainly to the degree whereby only a HOUSE could solve it!
Oh. Did he not KNOW you had kids before he fell irreversibly in-love with you as well as before hitting moving-in stage, then......did you hide it, then?...in case he wouldn't want you? Unless he's decades younger than you, I'd say this: PFFFFFFFFFF....Yeah, right.
So does he so lack imagination that, when you told him, he pictured...what?...you never seeing them, ever-ever? Or just once a year, perhaps? PFFF!
Or did he think it wouldn't be a problem getting you to howevermuch get rid of them.
See how full of Lying, Gaslighting, Future-Faking shite he is? (Red Flag x 3!)
But back to his Word Salad - oh, yes - Word Salad Alert! - Giant Red Flag!........Surely, what would make him feel better would be for you to do one of the plausible and realistic things he alleges are responsible, in this case (because not seeing your kids, no matter their age, IS RIDICULOUS! (and breeeathe)....send a few more texts?
You realise this is his getting you to stalk yourself for him, getting to keep tabs on you throughout the day (and know who you're with, etc). This is him Priming you to get used to and desensitised to having your boundaries more and more trampled.
...No doubt, all under the cover of, BUT IT'S JUST I MISS YOOOOOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOOOU SO MUUUUCH AND WANT TO BEEE WITH YOU, ALL THE TIIIIIME. (Answer: Yes, and that's precisely how I know YOU'RE NOT NORMAL!)
Poor Wickle Mr Insecuresy-Wursey (no, really he is - he's not a wolf in sheep's clothing, noooo, look how wee and small and fwightened he appears...puke. Doesn't seem to frightened to risk (was that RISK?...do insecure men TAKE THOSE, USUALLY???) frightening YOU off with his ridiculous, clearly premature, "Live Together" brand of Snake Oil for all of his ridiculously childish and downright mentally disturbing ailments, does he. Funny, that.
'Premature' because, if the time WERE right you'd be up for it, and you are SO NOT.
"Rushing The Relationship" Alert!
"False Intimacy" Alert!
Giant Red Flags!
(How many is that now?)
Aww...let's just cut the coy crap. YOU know he's matching the Pathological Coercive Controller criteria. Of course he's a toxic romantic conman. He isn't insecure at all. He PRETENDS he is - and deliberately makes it a huge headache for you - because it's how they wear you down if that's the only angle of leverage they've got. It's still this: "Live with me or your ears and brain will get it!".
ALSO...What is he trying to say and pass off as logic here? That if you see your grown kids as frequently as you do while LIVING with him, he'll be fine with that? Why, if presumably you're still giving them the same amount of attention? Are your grown kids always taking you to nightclubs that are pick-up joints or taking you speed-dating? (PMSL)
So it's NOT that, is it - the reason he wants you to live together, I mean. So what is it, what could he possibly gain from you living together that will somehow put paid to your "lack of texting" and "spending too much time with your kids"? LOCK THEM OUT, MAYBE? Or you in? ("This is MY house and I say who comes and goes!, rarr, rarr, rarr!" ?)
And why does he want to effectively become your "common-law" husband if he doesn't like or enjoy your kids with whom you're clearly close? For even a halfway normal man, not liking the woman's family/kids would be a dealbreaker FOR HIM. Normals are cautious about getting into relationships, let alone committing to them. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE FEELING UNCHARACTERISTICALLY INSECURE OR GENUINELY BELIEVE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP TOO SOON IS MAKING THEM FEEL INSECURE - GOTTIM, GOTTIM, GOTTIM!
(He's not sounding quite so poor, fluffy, benign, wickle bunny-boy any more, is he. Soz about that (not).)
If you're not ready to ditch (/run) - try sending more texts. Make it clear (preferably over the phone - but record it - or email) your relationship with your BABIES is (duuh!) untouchable and if he made you choose, you would be incapable of doing anything but to follow your strongest, involuntary, human drive, CALLED MOTHERING - and automatically choose them! Or what does he think you are? LIKE HIM? LIKE HIS MOTHER? (Oh, look, a Scooby Clue - he imagines doing it and it doesn't hurt him so WHAT'S THE PROBLEMO? Or (/and) he wants to know what lengths of self- and other-sacrifice you would or would not go to in order not to lose him (once he begins on-off threatening to) Probably both and more.)
You don't even need to have had kids to know how, the world over, that is an OUTRAGEOUS thing to complain and campaign against! What planet does he think you think he's from?! No healthy - in fact, no SANE man would or could feel that way in the first place, LET ALONE SAY IT OUT-LOUD, LET ALONE TO YOU OR *ANY* MOTHER. So whom, sane, WOULD choose him?!
And why's he competing with your kids, anyway? Does he think he's YOUR kid (despite you think he's going to be your partner) and has to compete for your unwavering attention and, with a click of his fingers, your running to cut the icky veins out of his cabbagy-wabbagy for him?
I mean, if asking/expecting you to see your kids less for his sake and your huge detriment (not to mention, like THEY'D have no say or argument in the matter!) seems perfectly reasonable to him, then what other unconscionable and disturbing expectations or demands/ultimatums does he think is okelie-dokelie?
Or is it - see your kids less OR YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH ME (RARR!), as in, a bluffed threat, using your healthy unreadiness against you like a weapon to get you to do what he really (really) wants (zig-a-zig-OW!)?
Either or...neither is good.
He's either on another planet or he's a stunted, NOT NICE child who hasn't a clue how the world and even one's first-ever relationship should work. Or he's a monster using your still-active mothering instinct against you by behaving and speaking JUST LIKE A JEALOUS LITTLE SIBLING?
(Could someone call Matron, please?)
Tell him he's obviously a picnic short of a picnic and he's fired (him and his no-doubt, Jammy Dodger- sorry, Dodgy, mates (they'd enter the frame next, believe you me...you'd have undesirables constantly calling at your house (that he now treats as his and you the hired maid). This is all following a script. His type all follow it. It's how their brains are so narrowly wired/corrupted. Limited humanity, more ferrel adults. We have a similar situation on Moving Too Fast's thread. I'll go get you the link tomorrow.
If you can't yet face doing that - proceed with the utmost of caution, and act like nothing is different/wrong, whilst you DO agree to TWO MORE TEXTS PER DAY.
And then watch it not make a blind bit of difference, AND subsequently see him time and time again come up with a brand NEW way ('moving the goalposts') to get you all to himself, all the time, and behind closed doors, especially so that he can put a stop to you having any life BUT HIM...and so isolated you're SCARED to leave him....etc., etc., ettoxiccetera, chained to the kitchen sink...50s housewife style of doormat. And a mask of respectability thanks to be being with she who must surely have good taste.
SEE YOUR KIDS TOO MUCH, PFF.
After all...as I've just shown: he's not acting like he's genuinely insecure, is he. He has massive expectations to point of Sense Of Entitlement (Red Flag!).
He's too much. He's kackhanded. Has no class. He's over-shot/gone too far. Asked for the impossible as if it is no biggie. Showing glaring contradictions between his boo-hoo persona and his attempted nefarious agenda to use you to buy (or rent?) an abode (and spend your money on him, not your kids). Yet you're too turn-on-able by him to do the sensible thing WITHOUT needing outside reassurances that you're correct to be alarmed at his attitudes, conduct and behaviour. Because EVEN IF he were merely an insecure bloke rather than a fake boyfriend of a wolf dressed in sheep's clothing - being able to fill a hole in his self-control and -regulatory systems THAT big, takes YEARS of walking on eggshells. And walking on eggshells day after day, no matter WHY you do it, leads to mental illness.
Plus, if never made to face and tolerate his fear - to allow a natural, non-threatening outcome to occur and start to overlay his (possibly) bad experiences - all the eggshell-walker is doing is, AVOIDING THEIR HEALING.
You CANNOT build a Narc up to be healthier. Building them up is called, Feeding The Monster. Every time they get let off or bent over backward for, they grow cockier and nastier.
So all one is doing, is Enabling that person's addiction to their fear.
After all, if you were to be angry at someone for their 'honest' fear, then, that would make one a RIGHT cow!...and nobody wants to be that, do they.
"The Pity Ploy" - joint first with Rushing Intimacy/The Relationship - it's the GIANTESTIEST RED FLAG THERE IS. Google - the pity ploy Martha Stout.
(If you're still reading -) How long have you even known him?
And how old is he? He's got about as much subtlety and finesse as a Horse performing laser eye surgery!...Blinkers included!
PS: I'm ill at the mo so I hope that was coherent?
(I cannot believe I misspelled criticises...good grief!)
Actually, I'll do it now (feeling too ill to sleep just yet, need to take a Sudafed):
(Even LESS finesse than your ejjit bully-to-be/-reveal!)
Tell me what you think of him, then?
I'm also going to give GoingTooFast the link to here.
You two should talk.