Separated partner now caring for elderly widowed mother
My partner of 7 years separated from his wife but is now caring for his elderly mother 96. They live a 6 hour drive from me and his mother will only allow a neighbour to look in on her for a few days in the week a few times à month. My partner is a very kind caring man we are both retired but I am mostly on my own. His health is suffering becoming depressed because of the situation
Sorry for the wait - respondents (all voluntary) are thin on the ground at the mo. Please bear with us? :)
Without reading ahead...
"My partner of 7 years separated from his wife but is now caring for his elderly mother 96."
NOW caring? So, when she was 89 he wasn't interested? Or she only began needing a carer within the last 7 years?
Oh, in other words, following the separation he can't afford his own place so moved back in with his now elderly mother and "cares" for her, does he?
Is that so he doesn't have to pay rent?
Does he get carer's allowance (- which country are you in)?
Another question: How many months/years into his relationship with you did he finally separate from his wife? Same question for when he moved into his mother's.
"a 6 hour drive from me and his mother will only allow a neighbour to look in on her for a few days in the week a few times à month."
Sorry, I don't get what you're trying to say there? Could you expand and clarify?
"My partner is a very kind caring man we are both retired but I am mostly on my own."
Leaving his partner mostly on her own...seriously neglected, enough that she has to seek support on a public forum. Is that your idea of 'kind and caring'? Because it's not mine nor any other normal-healthy person's - sorry.
Finding yourself 'suddenly' isolated without any friends, are you?
"His health is suffering becoming depressed because of the situation"
In what ways?
Becoming depressed? Is that his doctor's diagnoisis? If not - is it your opinion or his own?
Thanks for your very thorough probing reply.My partners Father died not long after I met him.He separated from his wife and went to live with his elderly mother to look after her initially for a short period while he bought a flat. He had health problems involving open heart surgery so it made sense for him to be in the city. Since then she has got used to him being there and he can't leave her. He is able to come to see me for a few days at a time when a neighbour of his mother's can look in on her. His mother is well for her age but obviously caring for her is a strain on him and he is now on antidepressants.Clinically depressed. The housing market means that its not the right time to buy. Where does all this leave me ? I am very independent live in France but travel a lot to see my grown-up children in UK and Portugal.I like my independence but obviously miss him and am worried for his mental health. I reached out to this group in the hope of any solutions to the problem .
(Just bumping you up for tomorrow, cheers again for your patience)
Sorry again - I am With Bug. Not much energy to spare but will do my best.
Haha, that's not probing. THIS next is probing. But it's the only way to know what's what, plus you have full anonymity, including a common situation, etc., going on all over the world as we speak, so, ze qvuicker you spill, ze qvuicker ve shall get to ze bottom of zis (*clicks on Anglepoise and shines it in Francoise's face*).
1. If you read back what you've put - does that sound like leaving his wife TO BE WITH YOU? I.e. because he couldn't wait to be with you more often?
2. And WHY did he cheat on then leave the woman he'd vowed to spend the entirety of his life with? And so suddenly? And why was his father's death the catalyst?
3. Do they have grown children?
4. If he was having heart problems, why did he think becoming a carer (which is known for being hard work involving very heavy lifting and emotional frustrations) - not to mention the added strain on his heart that, being so far from and missing you so terribly would be bound to exert - was some sort of solution?
5. While he would buy a flat where? Near his mother?
6. Why aren't you invited, and why weren't you - even for a few weeks - back when he first went to care for her? Surely, with his poorly heart he could have done with your help, certainly physically? Why don't you visit?
7. Indeed, have you visited and seen for yourself the state she's in? And him, for that matter? Or are you simply quoting what you've been told over the phone?
8. DOES he phone you? How often - every night? If not - did he used to? If not - why not?
What I mean is... it could all be true, but equally, how would you know...for a first-hand evidenced fact, I mean?
Maybe you do know. So what evidence have you got (phone convos with her or mutually shouted Hellos; photos of he and she, that sort of thing?).
9. Are you feeling like you just his Taxi out of there at the time? Did his 'escape' involve any financial help and support from you? Where did he stay before leaving for his mother's - at your place?
10. Why can't he leave his mother, if for her age she's quite well and has a clearly caring neighbour who pops in once every week (and an extra day whenever he visits you)? How does that make sense?
If it does - Isn't she eligible for a carer, or can she not sell her property and buy something smaller to afford a formal, even non-live-in Carer? (Can't he pay for a Carer to pop in twice/thrice a week? I mean - how much is he spending on petrol to come and see you if you're a whole 6 hours away?....or are we talking flying?)
11. What is her medical condition, anyway? Or was it purely Grief over her husband's passing and that's why she's 'quite well'?
12. A few days at a time, how often? Each week/fortnight/month...? DOES a few days mean Two? Every time - or does his stay duration vary?
13. If it's ad-hoc like that - how many days notice does he give you?
14. Is his mother's place in France too (i.e. 6 hours away by car?).
15. Clinically Depressed? Again - know this for an evidenced fact? If yes, do describe how.
16. What is it ABOUT caring for his mother that has him 'clinically depressed'?
17. "The housing market means that its not the right time to buy."
Well, RENT, then, Dear Henry, Dear Henry, Dear Henry,
Well, RENT, then, Dear Henry, Dear Henry,
18. "I like my independence but obviously miss him and am worried for his mental health."
Well, of course you do.
Is he worried about yours? Bit of a strain on your own heart, isn't it, being parted from the man you're in-love with? Has he made concerned mention of that or is it always about his and his mother's health?
Prior questions, asking for specifics, if you please:
19. How many ****months/years**** into his relationship with you did he finally separate from his wife? Same question for when ****specifically**** he moved into his mother's."
20. "NOW caring? So, when she was 89 he wasn't interested? Or she only began needing a carer within the last 7 years?"
21. "Finding yourself 'suddenly' isolated without any friends, are you?"
Yes, where DOES this leave you.
Let's see what you say and find out. :)
Ignore 22. Thought I'd deleted it.