Perfectionism and relationship problems
To start off, I'm a man in his late 20s. I have a perfectionism problem which is also related to anxiety (I have a generalized anxiety disorder but I can control my anxiety well in my daily life). I am very specific in terms of my preferences for women, especially in terms of physical appearance (I know, that's a little materialistic, but I can't seem to help it). It goes as far as only dating women of a specific ethnicity.
The problem is : Everytime I consider asking a girl to start dating, I feel anxious because I worry that if we do end up going out, I won't be able to find someone else better for me. It goes as far as not starting a relationship and staying friends, which is also a disappointment in a way because I feel like the whole plan was a failure. Quite honestly, I feel a little bit shameful about objectifying a human being like this.
I know the logic behing this thinking is ridiculous because anyone could say «it's always greener on the other side of the fence», but it's still quite hard for my psyche to accept this and feel at peace.
I've had girlfriends in the past, but I would often start looking at other women and thinking about being single again to meet someone else. I have never cheated on any of my exes and my previous relationships ended for different reasons. Still, I dont want to make my future girlfriend sad because this ridiculous way of thinking and I don't want to be changing girlfriends either for the same reason.
Anyone has some advice on how I can feel at peace with that way of thinking and how I could thrive in a long-term relationship ? Thank you so much..
FALSE ALARM hmmm....
LOUD CRASHING ALARM!
Read all this.
You need an EXPERT.
Best wait for SM.
Honestly as a female reading this you need to get familiar with what’s unfamiliar. You keep doing the same thing that obviously doesn’t work. You can see that your behavior is not acceptable but you can’t blame that on anxiety.
You need to really do some soul searching and probably therapy to figure out why you:
Choose the same type of woman (why is it familiar & safe)
Why you think your above these women
Why do you deserve better
Why you have commitment issues
Why your concentrating on failure and not taking the time to get to know the girl properly to know if it can even work
Why you can’t open yourself up and let them in.
So so much to unravel. Anxiety is one thing, and you can feel that but there’s reasons why you behave that way and you really need to figure that out before hurting anyone else by getting into a relationship.
Nice one, Lulic - stick around!
FalseAlarm, (PS: Why/What/How?)
Common stuff. You're normal but your developmental schedule got mutineered by something upsetting of adult proportions that has obviously delayed your progress (Late Starter). You're kidding yourself you should be "Here" by now because you're LATE 20s! (Could someone kindly help Grandad here into a chair?)
You've got BAGS of time. Go look at what (temporarily) being an Incel is all about.
It's like this (and I've even cuaght myself doing it!): Your inner Captain Kirk (right brain hemisphere - emotionality etc.) and Mr Spock (left hemi -logic, justice, etc.) are in conflict. Spock, ever sensible, cautious, rational, knows full well you're not ready to be anyone's relationship partner but Kirk is a randy bugger, constantly in need of a cuddle (instead, he gets a talking-to from Spock...whom secretly, we all know, is the captain of the ship but whom himself has had to to learn to incorporate human emotional right & wrong (feelings) into his thinking and decision-making...because they're friends and teammates).
...Which can look like this (and take a look on male MatchDotCom profiles - you'll see: I'm normal and red-blooded, no, really I am, and therefore ready for a steady partner, no, really I am....but-but-BUT... she's got to have two heads, be 8ft tall and her hair colour, Pantone No. XYZ. (Yeah, good luck with that one, chaps.)
You feel like you ARE on normal schedule because, look, you're 'on the dating market scene', actively searching or vibing availability with your eyes peeled.
Nope, you're like a lot of people - Late Starters. But slow and steady wins the race, anyway. The early starters and rushers burn-out too early. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. And you're the only runner-competitor, anyway, so WALK, in fact, STROLL and enjoy the scenery, flora and fauna. You've got until you're 80+/-, LOL.
Cease trying to run on a broken leg that didn't get set properly, hence the painful limp, accept you're in emotional hospital, and begin "Dating Yourself". Ever heard of that term? It's piss-easy and LOVELY. Works like a dream and changes your whole outlook and results.
In the meantime, do you have a stepstool so you can reach that DY step - a prescribed anti-anxiety?
(DD: "You need an EXPERT.
Best wait for SM."
Noooooooo....? For the second time - THEY DON'T and best NOT. Anyone who's neen through an experience is automatically as expert as one needs to be on here. Okay? Please stop doing that (or any) preambling, because it in effect poses as an automatic disqualification to other otherwise perfectly capable respondents whom might be less shy than Lulic.)
(Sorry - meant more shy (duh))
(I still appreciate you responding, though, DD. Just not that misleading bit, that's all. But you COULD put, best wait for someone who's been in your boat or can imagine being in it and how it feels. Is that a plan, Stan?)
(Scuse the interruption, FA, by the way - I'm mentoring and training-up DD here. :))
Hope I didn't inadvertently deter any would be posters.
(Thanks, but it was just a constructive heads-off, not a telling off that would warrant a group apology, no worries.)
(Heads-*up*....jeez, where's my head at lately...)