My EX is my SO's brother
Me and my SO have been dating for 3 years now. About 5 months prior to this relationship, I had a month long relationship with his brother who is my age. That relationship ended due to him cheating with another girl at a party, and him breaking it off due to guilt. I didn't find out about the cheating until recently.
In the 3 years that me and my SO have been dating, his brother and I have gotten along well around family, friends and such. During this time we've gotten to know each other very well and share many things in common such as music taste, film interests, sense of humor, and general values. I love my SO, but I can't help but wonder what a relationship between his brother and I would be like after many years of friendship.
In recent months I've had two dreams about my SO's brother, one of them containing intimate actions. These dreams have stirred up old feelings towards my SO's brother that become hard to push down. Being around him during family or friend gatherings has made normal interactions feel awkward on my end. I'm struggling to keep these dreams to myself, as expressing this to anyone close to me can cause a lot of stir.
Should I keep everything a secret and act like everything is fine? Or end all contact with my SO and his brother to save everyone the grief?
Basically, you've made your bed & you have to lay in it now. If you've walked away from your current's brother because of whatever, then you've made that decision to get out of it & that was years ago wasn't it? You're either with your current man of 3 years or you're not & if you're having doubts, then you need to ask yourself just how much you love your man.
After 3 years, are you guys thinking of marriage or long term plans?? How close are you guys?..do you guys share values & do you guys know each other's language of love?
Can you bear to be without him & can you really just walk away to save everyone the grief?...because it's YOU who you will be hurt the most...all over a few wonderings & fantasy dreams..
You're very right. I think its a good time for some self reflection. I appreciate the feedback thank you!
I have to be honest, CGX, I got this far when this slapped me between the eyes (and healthy mental templates):
"Me and my SO have been dating for 3 years now. About 5 months prior to this relationship, I had a month long relationship with his brother who is my age. That relationship ended due to him cheating with another girl at a party, and him breaking it off due to guilt. I didn't find out about the cheating until recently."
Didn't you find it too inappropriate and awkward to switch to an ex's BROTHER? And so SOON?
Now you be honest: Was there an element, initially, (even if it's dissolved since) of having wanted to 'cheat back' on him (according to the closest, quickest means possible), by having a relationship he'd have to effectively, watch...WITH HIS OWN BROTHER?
I mean, I know you say you didn't know about the cheating until recently - so what? He'd broken it off and, making it worse, you didn't actually know WHY. Meaning - he'd left you without closure.
Yeah...you do want to hurt them back when they cut you off "just like that" as feels inappropriate to the connect and bond that you thought had built up between you.
Plus...women do always sense and suspect, even long before they get any concrete evidence so...?
Sorry - NOT that you'd 'thought'. That you'd been LED TO BELIEVE.
This probably ISN'T re-kindled attraction at all. Seen this sooooooooo(wait)ooooo many times, you wouldn't believe.
It's like this: you don't want to have to acknowledge that you have an inner ANIMAL with animal needs and urges AND FEROCITY-CAPABILITY that Conscious-We find shameful and beneath us....we ARE a nice person, we are-we are-we are!
Who told you nice equalled non-enfuriate-able and taking gross wounding and insult lying down?
You can't AFFORD to be constantly a nice person if you can't even protect yourself against a moreover constant animal (feral human - narcissist - which is what he majorly acted like, according to giant red flag script).
Is he now wanting revenge on YOU and has - under your own conscious radar - been making ooh-so-subtle efforts and moves on you, such AS, letting you think you and he are getting on so well, lately, and even re-bonding?
DON'T FALL FOR IT. It's a common Revenge Ploy. What the narcissist or narcissistic/immature BOY intends is:
To get revenge on his brother for dating his EX!
To get revenge on you for dating his brother! USING YOU!
He steals you back....then waits until you feel you're securely together this time, and relax....BAM! He dumps you, this time harder and more shockingly! 'That'll teach you!'. Or he manipulates you into becoming so hooked you'll even agree to be his FWB or member of his 'fan club' of other, adoring but thus-far frustrated (yet still hopeful) female fans-wannabe girlfriends.
He REDUCES you somehow, in other words.
FALL FOR IT.
What you and brother DON'T have in-common is too huge to EVER make it work: You're not a cheating basstd.
Just don't. It'll only end in tears. Yours. And your lovely S.O.'s.
You've sung his praises so how could it NOT be wanting to 'conquer' his brother to get back the portion of self-esteem he stole?
IGNORE YOUR EGO. Ignore his act. He HAD his chance and look what he did with it! What - you think he's had a brain or personality transplant since then? B*llocks. Heard it all before.
Okay? Is that starting to Ping in your head?
...So basically, I agree with Manalone (as usual) but have gone into the cause so that you realise it's not directly to do with any dissatisfaction with your current relationship:
Fantasy - now *seeming* like an opportunity to make it a reality - of getting to finally prove you are NOT "not enough" or "so easily rejectable" in this or any man's eyes.
Where a narc or narcissisic type is concerned: ALL WOMEN ARE! So what makes YOU so special? ;)
This stone-hearted woman-basher is never going to treat some other women better - trust me on that!
TOXIC ZONE - STAY CLEAR!
(Bet you any money you like (if you ask him), your SO is the only sibling who stayed healthy "despite" his family life, unlike younger brother who got reared to be grossly cavalier with women's feelings and welfares. Try him.)