So i (F32) have been married to my husband (M36) for 10 years. About 3 years ago I caught him haven’t inappropriate conversation with a woman he went to high school with and when confronted he told me she was confiding in him about being abused as a kid. But that didn’t explain the lovey dovey texts. He would say things like “good morning beautiful” and would ask her how she stays so beautiful. We got past that.
2 days ago I look through his phone and see he’s been texting a female coworker. She sends pics of what she’s cooking and they have casual conversations. One text in particular he said “did u make it home ok” she said yes with an angel emoji. Then he said “I’m saving your number as demon queen in my phone” which to me sounds sexual. We’ve been arguing since and he feels like I’m blowing it out of proportion. Am I?
Nah, you guys never got past it if you find yourself in the same situation a few years down the track. After 10 years you should know your husband but his encouragement of texting with other women regardless of who they are & the circumstances are obviously not your cup of tea. Sure, there's guys who text other woman while married etc, but the loyal ones tell their wives, partners why & involve them in their conversations & interactions with their co workers or whatever & the relationship is purely professional & respectful to everyone involved.
Your best course of action is to sit him down & tell him directly that you feel threatened by his behaviour & that he's risking his 10 year marriage with you by his actions. Why does your husband have the need to save a female co workers number if he's happily married to you? Ask him to help you to understand that. What would he do if the boot was on the other foot?
If he can't answer you or doesn't care, then you have your answer as to where your marriage sits at the moment & it'll be your decision as to where it goes from here...maybe counselling or whatever, but regardless as it stands now, you are struggling to be able to trust your husband 100% again & that doesn't bode well for a successful & happy relationship.
I agree, I'm afraid, MYA. Here, read this and see what you think, whether you recognise his traits:
"We asked Dr Tari Mack ‘who is most likely to cheat?’ and she explained that there are two key personalities which have been found to be common amongst repeat cheating offenders. And while there are many reasons that people cheat (An analysis revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance) those who REPEATEDLY cheat are likely being driven by something deeper, often tied to their personality.
If you’ve found your partner to display narcissistic and / or sociopathic tendencies this is a major red flag and a tell-tale sign of pointing out a repeat cheater - someone that may cheat on you again, and again and again because it is part of their personality style.
Here’s the OPENHOUSE 101 run down on narcissism and sociopathy - because trust us, they can hide anywhere!
Both narcissism and sociopathy are personality traits.
Narcissists are highly self-involved, in fact, so self-involved that they ignore the needs of those around them and everything is secretly about them. They disregard others or their feelings and don’t realise the effect that their behaviour has on others. They are often in superficial relationships and avoid intimacy but often they are wildly charming, attractive and successful too. They say all of the right things, they do all of the right things and they make you feel like this is everything you could have ever wanted. Over time, however, the truth of their behaviour starts to shine through.
Sociopaths, like narcissists, disregard others or their feelings, and in addition to this lack empathy for their wrongdoings. What this means is that they really don’t feel that bad or upset if you are upset. To achieve personal gain, they can be found to exploit and manipulate those around them. Basically, how can they use you to get what they want?
In fact, a lot of narcissists are sociopaths. Yes, that’s right, it is possible for a person to have traits of both (not ideal, we know). Traits of deceitfulness, manipulation and lack of remorse with zero empathy for their impact on others has been found time and time again in chronic cheaters.
So how do we find ourselves in these relationships? Whether someone is a narcissist or a sociopath, or indeed both - these characteristics pair well together. And these ‘chronic liars’ lure us into a false sense of security at the beginning with their words and their gestures. We get so much validation and attention (otherwise known as LOVE BOMBING) from serial cheaters at the beginning but before we know it, when we’re already in too deep, things start to shift.
Attention and words are so easy and it’s important to keep an eye on their behaviour over time. As Dr Tari says, “Integrity means your words match your behaviour.” Read on to find out the top 10 things you should look out for to identify a serial cheater before it’s too late.
Here are 10 therapists backed signs of someone that may be a serial cheater..."
PS: "He would say things like “good morning beautiful” and would ask her how she stays so beautiful. We got past that. "
I fail to see ow you could have. Good Morning Beautiful is a typical, classic, textbook Narc-Spath - usually ROUND ROBIN! - text template. Even if one isn't aware it is, one doesn't need to be because that sentance is just too damn obvious. But they tell you convincingly what you hope and pray to hear.