Cutting a toxic friend out of my life
I'm currently dealing a person who doesn't make me feel good about myself.
I've known them since school (over 10 years or more) and we were all part of the same social circle. We were all pretty good close friends. Now due to life circumstances and drifting apart I now only see this person and my bestie. Bestie and this person also have known each from a very young age, so they're closer than I am with the other person.
This person has always used me for like jokes in a way, or has said things that they know will upset me. We're also quite opposite in personality.
I feel like I should if cut this person off years ago but I'm very forgive and forget. I don't like conflict or confrontation. And I guess I tried to stay for my best friends sake and not tear up what was left. I think also growing up, you realise " oh actually, I don't owe loyalty to this person"
But this past year has been a particular breaking point.
This person has got a fear of turning 30, being single and living life to the full.
They took the whole living your life to fullest to the extreme. Every time we hung out, they would be preaching this mantra of travelling and doing what they want to do.
At first we were very supportive, but as it got worse, it got quite emotionally draining.
Now,It's been no secret that I've been saving up for a house on my own. Life hasn't been easy since my last year of university
So many bad things happened, plus covid. I had a really bad mental break down because of the struggles I was going through. But since 2021, I got my dream job and I felt like I could finally relax a bit.
I struggled with money because of not being able to find work during the pandemic.
But since 2021 I've been saving and just enjoying the simpler things in life (I was mentally recovering) while my saving money.
Cue the preacher (the so called friend), they have had a real issue with me saving up for a house. Every time we hang out it's been "I can't imagine wasting money on a mortgage when you could be living life to the fullest" they would constantly say something along those lines, EVERY SINGLE TIME! I can't even justify how bad and how often these comments would be. Borderline obsessive.
I had to pull my bestie aside and go "am I crazy, or is this person constantly dragging me or cristising every accomplishment I've had or am trying to make" and my bestie confirmed that she noticed how bad it was. She thinks they're jealous of the fact that I've got things that they don't have.
We all went on holiday together. We were all having cocktails together. And we started to talk about life and what we wanted.
I brought up that 2024 was the year I'm buying my house. This person tore the idea up completely. Not one ounce of a supportive comment.
I left the cocktail bar nearly sobbing and when I got home from the holiday, I was actually doubting myself. I had this really bleak outlook on my life for a good while. They dragged some others things I had mentioned too.
A month after the holiday, they met a new guy. And it was all they spoke about on my besties birthday.
However it's became clear that they're only dating them because of the money. They just talked about how much this guy makes and how high up he is on the business and how he's taking them away abroad for their birthday.
We struggled to meet up with this person because they're hanging out with the boyfriend instead.
We even offered them and the boyfriend meet with us for a new years celebration but it got declined.
But we finally managed to catch up after new years to exchange gifts.
Well...after only knowing this person for 2 months they're planning on moving in together in a few weeks
And the kicker? The person is now also saving up for a house and is not doing any travelling this year because of it.
They knew exactly what they were doing when they announced it. And they looked at me when they said it. How can I support someone on something they completely dragged me for?
Maybe I'm being dramatic. But I am beyond angry about it.
I didn't say anything, I just congratulated them.
It wasn't until I got home, that it hit me.
It's not just the house. This person has been all around terrible. They've even made bestie cry a few times.
For me the house made me see clear what was wrong with this person. And it's that they're very insecure
But I can't let slide. I'm so ready to throw hands, for everything
I want to confront them so badly. I don't know what to do
Your best bet is to get on with your life, buy that house & start living your life to the fullest without having others around you who will drag you down, every time. Sure, you can be angry & pissed off but that achieves nothing except prove that you're human. You're better of channelling that energy into something positive. If you confront this person, you may get it off your chest but then again, you will have given them another win.
Your insecure 'friend' is best forgotten, let them get on with their life & other poor soul will find out what your friend's about sooner or later. It's not a pleasant life being with an insecure person... as you well know.
We only live once, so get on with it without looking back over your shoulder for whatever reason.
Cheesecake (- haha, like it!),
What you've described is a "Female Friend" Narcissist, but she seems more on the Benign side (call it accidental and unwitting, just can't stop puking in your face a lot). However, a stern talk CAN bring them round. But only if they still need you. (If they like you, that's just a bonus for them.)
You wait: all too soon - not only "Highly Threatening You" no longer see Bitchiwitchipoos for dust; neither will Droopy-Drawers.
Sorry, but you've overlooked something:
Droopy agrees she's been noticing...time and time again. And that it's getting worse, now really bad, quote/unquote. So why the heck hasn't she ever stepped in to defend you? ...specially since it was the duty of her dynamic-based role, having d known Witchipoos for far longer than you!
Where was she? Agreeing with you. F*** her! (Sorry, but, ach.)
Weak or weak-ENED? Which would you say?
Droopy is the one holding onto this snidey witch out of pure sentimentalism, only because of how long she's known her. And you've been hanging around as great target practise - trying to shield the bestie you DO KNOW is too weak for you, not in your league any more than Witchy. And because you're in the process of realising it (processing it), you're deciding that getting to keep Bestie is not worth the price of getting your ego then self-esteem shredded.
You've been positioned as an Enabler. While Witchy is seething directly and verbally abusively at you - guess who ISN'T getting it in the neck?
I don't call that Bestie, sorry. What are you - her bullet-proof vest? Why hasn't she thought to suggest an obvious solution: she and you meeting on your own in future? Wow, is that Rocket-Science for her? And again, we have the fact that neither did she ever try to make Witchy STOP and reel herself in. All it takes is something like, 'Woah - steady on, mate?! Do you realise how spiteful you sound right now?/Did you just actually say that out-loud?!? What's your problem?'.
Just sympathising with you, ahh, howww niiiice.
Bullet-proof vest. (Only, you have *feelings*.)
Is that how dispensible, riskable, you are to "Bestie"?
You've outgrown them by miles. One is permanently stunted, the other is developmentally a bit delayed (couldn't assert herself out of a paper bag).
(PS: I give that marriage under 2 years. Five at the very most. Watch that space and come back and tell us if/when it happens.)
(PPS: if he wants a childlike partner over whom he can play Dad and accordingly control her, then... whoops, looks like Karma is after Witchy already.)
Now to Witchy's actual agenda, whom from now on will be known as Petra Pan. Stunted, nasty, selfish, greedy, spoiled, jealous, threatened kid in grown-up suit. Yes, she's pathologically jealous, but added to that - what she really doesn't like, really 'fears', is that your positively palpable, developmental progress in the form of adult, sensible, considered, realistic, NORMAL-HEALTHY, age-stage-scheduled plans, now loom menacingly in terms of beginning to present a contract to her such distinct LACK of realistic, adult 'plans'. You've been in danger of showing her up. To you, to Bestie, to herself and her puny, sick, spoiled-brat ego. To the World.
She's an emotionally- (perhaps also psychologically-) disturbed kid. So she's gone and manipulated herself a Sugar Daddy. Yayy, now I can just PLAY AAALLL DAY and not have to bust an even greater gut than ever to avoid them realising my truth: that, psychologically, I am a cripple. One who can't even recognise her own true face in the mirror (ain't got the adult mental skills, albeit, the trauma of being bagged by a far worse type than her might well shock some into her, if she's still self-save-able).
So - yup - agree with Manalone. Just shuffle away. Or you could have a very straight talk with Droopy-Drawers? After all, if she could LEAVE Witchy then - problem over (IF you don't mind having a Bestie whose courage is negatively out-of-kilter with your own, practically non-existent?...I mean, what if you ever needed a Bestie Rescuing? Is she going to? Or is she going to again fold into a weeping, thereby useless heap and make your catastrophe All About Her? Droopy sounds a tad too high on the natural-normal narcissistic scale in that way, whereas Witchy is clearly a conning, rushing, pressuring, luring User AND PARASITE who's about to see where panicking and, first and foremost, grabbing a distraction-on-legs (and ensuring he's rich) gets her.
Droopy's facing losing each of you. Unless she can show loyalty towards the GOOD, NORMAL, HEALTHY person (as it should be) and be quick about it. You should point that out to her in your talk.
Lots to think about, huh.
PS: Now you can see why Narcs are gross hypocrites and in what instances it happens. They don't believe in what they accuse you of. It'll just do in that moment, as a cosh to beat you with. They change morals, principles, beliefs, opinons (, mood/character) with a change in the weather. They (unknowingly, or knowingly deliberately) think that Feelings and impulsive thoughts/ideas, Are Fact. Same as they think Might Is Right. They're repulsive, ludicrous, ridiculous, morbidly fascinating, even, but potentially dangerous. Like the parasitic Ticks they are.
It's so common, this situation. You age and develop 10 years but, it dawns on you that your 'contemporary' has not matured ONE JOT since school. And that, that is just NOT normal.
So - do you try to educate Droopy and renegotiate the terms of your friendship - thereby 'save' her? Or not?
No more playing human shield, though. That one is not an option.