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Colleague/friend has gone cold on me, any advice?

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I've been working with a guy for around 3 months. Didn't really know him initially, had our first proper conversation around 2 months ago, I was in a relationship until late November, but he seemed nice. My relationship ended and he found out one day, he was very supportive about it. Anyway found that he's a really cool guy who I get on well with. He didn't seem to come across like he fancied me and he didn't flirt or anything, I just noticed he was a little nervous sometimes, but so am I as I'm quite shy. Anyway we have a work IM chat, I posted him a joke on there one day and from there we started talking a lot, both starting convos. I had developed a crush on him but I assumed it was friendship for him and I was happy with that, he was just really good to talk to and I'm happy having platonic male friends. Anyway I've actually recently moved to this area and only really have 1 friend round here ATM. I said to him it'd be great to hang out sometime after work as I didn't see him much in the office (hybrid remote). When in the office, he never physically approached me at my desk, I always had to go to him. He said that would be great and gave me his number to arrange it. Anyway then he started texting me a lot but still assumed friendship as the texts weren't flirty at all. We met up about a week ago, I never labelled it as a date and I assumed it wasn't. I was a little nervous and he seemed to be too for some reason. Anyway we had a good chat and laugh for a couple of hours, he almost seemed like he wanted to hug me but I just kinda blanked for some reason. We talked a lot about films we wanted to see. As soon as we left the coffee place he told me that we should definitely hang out again, and I agreed. Texted him when I got home saying thanks for the drinks (we wouldn't let me buy any!) And that it had been cool to see him out of work, and he replied. Because he'd said he'd wanted to hang out again, I tried to match his energy. Anyway about 24h after the coffee I sent him a casual text saying it'd be lovely to go see a film or do something cool the following week (weekend I was busy). He replied saying he would get back to me with a day as he was doing a lot of overtime, but that it would be fun. I know the overtime thing is true as I've seen the rota. I just sent a casual yeah sure no worries :) kinda reply, and changed the convo. However I wasn't 100% sure if what he'd said was a polite brush off so I didn't seek to continue the convo. I haven't heard from him in several days which isn't a good sign, so I just sent him a casual text asking how work was, and that was all. I'm waiting on a reply for it but I'm scared he's ghosted me. If he doesn't want to meet up again that's absolutely fine, but he said twice he did and I like to take people at their word. I don't think I've been pushy, I suggested the film once and then when he said he'd get back to me about it I left it at that. Maybe cinema isn't the 'vibe'?. I'm not fussed what we do, another coffee would be fine, I just thought a film would be cool as we like a lot of the same ones. Anyway he's never seemed to flirt or make a move, we have a lot of banter and the good thing is that he remembers everything I say. It's weird because sometimes I don't find him very physically attractive, but something draws me to him and I sometimes think I have a crush on him. That said, I've never mentioned this to him and didn't intend to, I'm more than happy to just be friends. Not sure what to do? I'm really worried I've made him uncomfortable or offended him. I haven't double texted, he may still reply but I'm worried he won't.. the thing is next week I might even see him at work and I don't want it to be awkward. I'm a bit disappointed as I thought we really clicked and I'd met someone cool to hang with. Any thoughts?

Colleague/friend has gone cold on me, any advice?

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Crikey, Salads - I do apologise that you've had so long to wait! Let me dive straight in (deliberately not reading ahead so that my feedback comes from the gut and my conclusion, factoring in my head). Please ensure to answer every question and we'll get 'wherever' that much faster (unless it's instantly obvious): "I've been working with a guy for around 3 months." Three months. Not long. Same as the employment Trial Period (interesting to note...not sure the reason why I've noticed that parallel yet...probably the way you dove straight in). "Didn't really know him initially, had our first proper conversation around 2 months ago," So you've been acquainted as work colleagues for 3 months (last week of October, then) - 2 of which (since last week of Nov), you've had a chance to peel back his onion layers and see what he's made of underneath. Got it. "I was in a relationship until late November, but he seemed nice." And you still feel ashamed and guilty about having found yourself attracted to colleague, hence I had to be the one to name the dates as bring home the overlap. (Not a judgement, just an observation.) (I'm collecting jigsaw pieces). So, NORMALLY, you don't overlap/'Lilypad-Leap' and would have preferred to have given the previous relationship a decent burial and, for yourself, mourning period, had it been entirely up to you, is what you're saying (leaking) - yes? Getting it... "My relationship ended and he found out one day, he was very supportive about it." How on earth did he, a colleague, find out? I don't care if he was supportive AND DID BACKFLIPS FOR YOU IN A CLOWN-SUIT! How come he didn't show normal, decent discretion in keeping that to himself and letting you be the one to tell HIM, yourself, ABOUT YOUR OWN, PRIAVE (TOP-SECRET) BUSINESS? (Tick!) (doesn't mean correct, it means characteristic symptom noted). "Does he think he's your Best Female Friend already, tho?" :p Not liking his lack of Gentlemanliness and maturity there. How old is he (and you?) Strikes me that he instead used that information as a way to approach you on a more personal level. That's very selfish and self-centred (tick!); I'd go as far as to say, inappropriate (tick!). You'd only known him 2 sodding months, scuse French ("So-ddeeeng" - sounds better). Who did he think he was? Unless you'd slept with him in that 2 months - he should have kept his mucky paws off. Bit over-entitled? (tick!) (Don't like him. That's not good.) (tick!) "Anyway found that he's a really cool guy who I get on well with." Obviously, there had to be something you admired about him. But define, Cool? "He didn't seem to come across like he fancied me and he didn't flirt or anything, I just noticed he was a little nervous sometimes, but so am I as I'm quite shy." WHAT A COINKYDINKY - WHAT WERE THE CHANCES! : YOU'RE shy and nervous, and (all together now!) SO IS HE! Wow. And I'll bet you have SOOOOO INCREDIBLY MUCH IN COMMON - yes? "Anyway we have a work IM chat, I posted him a joke on there one day and from there we started talking a lot, both starting convos." Was that your intention? Or were you just being colleague-style buddy-ish? "I had developed a crush on him but I assumed it was friendship for him and I was happy with that, he was just really good to talk to and I'm happy having platonic male friends." AH-HAH! Were you, indeed. (giant tick!) (ignore previous question, you've just answered it). Might help you to know, at this point, that - so was I. But I nearly fell in. With (horror-film trailoer voice) ANOTHER ONE... So this is all looking veeery familiar. He's over-entitled. So if he wants you for his "girlfriend" then SOD inappropriateness (did I tick that already? and indiscretion (tick!), sod that you need a mourning period or aren't showing you think of him that way - he's going to get what he wants, regardless. So he turns an innocent joke which (unless tits and bums were involved) is a perfectly normal thing to do when bonding even just professonially (showing your human side) WITH A NEW COLLEAGUE - into something. Opportunism, anyone (giant tick!). What is the nature of biz at your employment? (Is he Sales and you, Accounting? Just a stab in the dark(is).) "Anyway I've actually recently moved to this area" "ALREADY ISOLATED FROM THE HERD" ALERT, EVERYONE! So you wanted a friend, like you said. And needed one (tick!) (any Need they sense will do as a gap in the fence to squeeze through). "and only really have 1 friend round here ATM." You're Vulnerable, is the point. Situationally and thereby emotionally. Stick around here and post, say Hi, if you like? (I've formed my conclusion and now am going to set about trying to find pieces to disprove it.) "I said to him it'd be great to hang out sometime after work" Using Casual semantics. Noted. "as I didn't see him much in the office (hybrid remote)." Then that just adds yet MORE weight to his ungentlemanly lack of tact and discretion (which he should have if he's employable). Can you do me a favour and read this 15 times while looking deeply into your in the mirror (not crazy - it works): "No healthy, decent man is interested in flirting (whether verbally or via more important **actions!) dating a woman who has only just come out of another steady, long-term relationship. and nor does one want one whom is Vulnerable. Healthy, decent men want a woman whom is at point of meeting, ticketyboo/Situation Normal. And I say that because so far he has not been behaving as would a man who just felt for your situation and fancied becoming platonic, supportive, friends with you. Nor do they rush: being healthy thus hurtable, having undoubtedly been hurt before, they take it very slowly." (**Type tick!) (I`m getting Sneaky-Slippery-Passive-Luring-instead of-Careful-Wooing whiffs.) "When in the office, he never physically approached me at my desk, ***I always had to go to him.***" OMG - I SWEAR ON MY SON''S LIFE I HADN'T READ THAT - EVEN PERIPHERALLY! THERE IT IS. Coverts do that (along with all the inappropriate rest of it). *Thank-you*. You put that because you suspect he's a Covert too, don't you. (Good spidey senses, missus!) "He said that would be great and gave me his number to arrange it." Gave you HIS number. Does he think he's Jane and you're Tarzan? (GIANT COVERT TICK!!!) i'M DONE - HE'S A COVERT. I'll continue anyway, but read in bigger chunks. "Anyway then he started texting me a lot" I thought it was for YOU to arrange! So you didn't take the bait - so he advanced. Okayyyy (tickety-tick). Ach...so slimy and manipulate, bleugh. (Sorry haha!) "but still assumed friendship as the texts weren't flirty at all." No, that's right, they wouldn't be: this is a Covert, meaning, being flirty is for YOU - the Target - to do! And what makes you did it is his deliberately lack of integrity. He's acting like he's after more than pure-friendship yet doesn't ever come clean....holds back that way until your frustration builds to busting point (at constantly expecting something which never comes - unless the lazy arse has to (as we've just seen when you failed to contact fast enough and he took over-ish). These are the types that make you have to ask, What is this?...What are we? Basically, Coverts - or Narcissistic Sociopaths during hunting/setting-up mode - make you do all the putting your ego on the line, all the investing, chasing after THEM, all so that (1) when they inappropriately dump you, you're too invested not to find it horrendously painful, and (2) they can blame you, a la: Well, tbh I wasn't really wanting a relationship but you were so persistent ("Narcissist - Projection" - google). I other words, it's your own fault, nothing to do with poor, helpless, innocent Him. So now that makes it (by which I would normally mean, him) Covert-Vulnerable (as type or tactic). Yeah.... Ugh. "We met up about a week ago," Too big a jump from him text-bombing you. Tell me more about that part. Who proposed the meeting - what type of venue, etc? Jigsaw pieces, please. "I never labelled it as a date" No, you just wanted and needed a friend. "and I assumed it wasn't." Yes, because you're not a bloke-chaser, normally. This is a first for you - right? " I was a little nervous and he seemed to be too for some reason." You mean, as opposed to how actually bold he'd been? Well noted, missus! As above: the some reason is called (google) "Narcissistic Mirroring" (pop in the word Boyfriend after Narc). "Anyway we had a good chat and laugh for a couple of hours, he almost seemed like he wanted to hug me" What - Mr. Nervous from Shyville? Yeah, I'm not even finding it possible to read in bigger chunks - this guy is overflowing with rotten jigsaw pieces! "but I just kinda blanked for some reason." Because you have excellent Spidey Senses. You knew he was a predator...or at least Iffy...Not Adding Up....Incongruent Incoming Data (contradictions between words/surface impressions and how he actually behaves). "We talked a lot about films we wanted to see." Like, The Shining. Or, Hard Candy. (Hahah - sorry. But I really don't like him. He's even making me angry now.) "As soon as we left the coffee place he told me that we should definitely hang out again, and I agreed. Texted him when I got home saying thanks for the drinks (we wouldn't let me buy any!)" Recount this scene for me, please. Here's the thing: if it's a Friends Only drink, the bloke shows it by letting you contribute or pay half. He's duping you already....dangling Friendship when clearly his intentions are romantic (well - Narcs' version when working on you, anyway). "And that it had been cool to see him out of work, and he replied. Because he'd said he'd wanted to hang out again, I tried to match his energy." Noted that you were responding, not initiating. (So far you haven't genuinely initiated a thing...simply responded to the needless mysteriousnesses and his lack of "What goes up must come down" form of Integrity (tick!) "Anyway about 24h after the coffee I sent him a casual text saying it'd be lovely to go see a film or do something cool the following week (weekend I was busy)." Noting you're still not rushing, not behaving like YOU'RE after a romance. Still doing your own thing. (Well done.) "He replied saying he would get back to me with a day as he was doing a lot of overtime, but that it would be fun." He replied, I'm going to make you dangle some more, waiting-waiting-waiting. Note he failed to say WHEN he'd be back to you? (Not just what they say or do - what they fail to do that normal, healthy, genuine people would.) He's so far done eff-all except for pretend he's just like you and crank you up, up and up. Picture this: he's dangling a cream-cake above your starving mouth (because a cream cake is what you want and need). But inside the outer fancy coating, it's just a carrot. And a drug-filled one at that. But because you've failed to give it much effort to reach for it, let alone bite - he's begun dangling and, the minute you DO show interest, whipping it away. Oh, he is SO a Covert. Offering then Withdrawing is their 'thing'. (One of them.) Can you see it? It's SO GALLING when you didn't even want to bite the bloody thing in the first place! "I know the overtime thing is true as I've seen the rota." Your semantics say - but I wouldn't have put lying about it, past him. (Yep - good Spideys.) "I just sent a casual yeah sure no worries :) kinda reply, and changed the convo." Smooth and self-assured. (Gold star on your forehead - "thlup!" - YOU, I like. :) "However I wasn't 100% sure if what he'd said was a polite brush off so I didn't seek to continue the convo." Oh, you're a Narc-Challenge, alright. I'll bet he suddenly ups his efforts now... "I haven't heard from him in several days which isn't a good sign, so I just sent him a casual text asking how work was, and that was all." It was a game of Chicken so for future ref - don't do what he said he would do, for him. That's what they're looking for: someone to take care of their life for them....the donkeywork parts. Perks, HE keeps (you get none) (this if you get into a (hah!) romance with them, I mean.) I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR HOW HE GOT TO FIND OUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAD FINISHED. "I'm waiting on a reply for it but I'm scared he's ghosted me." THERE WE GO. Suddenly your trusty self-assuredness and normal-level interest befitting Friendship has turned into Romantic Interest? How? VIA SEEMING REJECTION. See how they work? It's this: "I've got something in my pocket for you" / "What is it?" / "Not telling you yet" / "Oh. Fine." / "Well, then, maybe I'll NEVER tell you!" / ...now you don't just want to know, you need to. Seeing it? I mean, how else did you go from Take Him Or Leave Him to SCARED HE'S "DUMPED" YOU? Because he set it all up that way. Leave it. Do not proceed. He's a Narc. And if you "make friends" with him you'll the whole time carry a vibe that puts normal, nice, potential-friends OFF. The situationally-isolated becomes long-term isolated. "If he doesn't want to meet up again that's absolutely fine, but he said twice he did and I like to take people at their word." He's playing you. Don't react, don't respond. Don''t fall for it. "I don't think I've been pushy, I suggested the film once and then when he said he'd get back to me about it I left it at that." It's not you, it's nothing you've done - which is why with these types it's known as perpetrator and target/victim - no Grey areas - this is how his mind is programmed to behave with other people in whatever relational roles, but especially Romantic. They try to brainwash you into doing all of the relational work (and it's a huge workload!) while he plays Master to your Servant (and Narc-Oxygen supply - unconditional love and loyalty, even under increasingly-severe domination and bullying). "Maybe cinema isn't the 'vibe'?. I'm not fussed what we do, another coffee would be fine, I just thought a film would be cool as we like a lot of the same ones." Not Applicable. "Anyway he's never seemed to flirt or make a move," As above - yes he has and yes he has. Covert Narc style (OH BOY, IS IT!) (early, granted...but I know their moves inside-out - and you will too, after this, in order to be impervious/impregnable by his time next time...it's just bad luck when your paths cross. There's nothing wrong with you, I promise. Everything right, in fact - their Over-Entitled, remember? Scum that deludes himself he's worthy of a Lady - which you palpably are). "we have a lot of banter and the good thing is that he remembers everything I say." Yes. They do. It's them taking notes of any weak spots (fears and desires) that he can use, to manipulate you. Tell me this: what can YOU remember about stuff he's told YOU about HIM? They's sooo good at being great listeners. In the beginning. "It's weird because sometimes I don't find him very physically attractive, but something draws me to him and I sometimes think I have a crush on him." Because they're not strictly human, and that's highly intriguing - that and the reasons behind why they don't behave according to normal-healthy script. Morbidly Fascinating. "That said, I've never mentioned this to him and didn't intend to, I'm more than happy to just be friends." Not sure what to do? I'm really worried I've made him uncomfortable or offended him." Leave it. "I haven't double texted, he may still reply but I'm worried he won't.. " Well done. And please DO NOT be worried that he hasn't yet. Celebrate instead! Or read other posters' threads under R/ships and Emotional to see what would have awaited you. This is an EARLY warning, a prevention. So you may not believe me and think I'm being over-dramatic. But you will appreciate once you surf into the topic - I've actually been quite restrained. "the thing is next week I might even see him at work and I don't want it to be awkward." Then don't let it be. Nod, say Hi, make an excuse - exit. "I'm a bit disappointed as I thought we really clicked and I'd met someone cool to hang with. Any thoughts?" Yes. Hang out with us. We're safe. And effing lovely, if I may say so myself. (Except to Narcs....Grrrrrrrrr - WHOOMPH!...chomp-chomp-chomp....spit). You're another one that's too clever for them, you are. But you ARE vulnerable unless you read up on everything I've warned you about and shuffle away. You're not exceptional or unique in the way of, being impervious to capture and torture. Please trust me on that. Not even I who knows them inside-out am. We do NOT fall for people with our intelligence...more's the pity. Don't forget my questions, please. Just so's we've got the entire picture. Well told though. (thumbs-up) Sorry again for the huge wait.

Colleague/friend has gone cold on me, any advice?

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PS: Normally it takes Coverts up to 7/8 months to Withdraw attention all-of-a-sudden on you. But not if they're in a Hurry because their Ex spat them out before they'd had a chance to warm-up one of their many (secret) wanna-be girlfriends/fans - usually online these days, but not always as it can include keeping Exes dangling - for YEARS, even! This is how emotionally dangerous they are. Coverts can dupe you for DECADES, same as Narc-Psychos. They're the hardest to pin down and "prosecute"/"fire" (evidence items too tiny and over-copious but spread around). So anyway, I'm betting he's been rushing/manipulating because he hasn't any other Primary Supply candidates already heated. From HIS point of view, he's happy to leave you stewing and 'fearing rejection' because he, meanwhile, has had reassurance from you that you're on for a film. That gives him the latitude to make you wait, plus time in which to set up another (in case you fail). Sick, isn't it? Welcome to the club.

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