PeoplesProblems Logo

My partner tells his ex girlfriend private stories between us

Default profile image
Hello, this will mostly be a vent, but if you have any advice on how I can effectively explain to him that this is a boundary violation I would greatly appreciate it. Some important things to note about my partner and his ex's relationship: She severely mistreated him while they were together, and they have not been together for many years. Both their lives were hard so they decided to only be there for each other as someone to vent/catch up with. She is now married to another man and has a family. I trust my partner and I do not believe he is unfaithful. So. my partner and I have been together for about 6 months and our relationship is otherwise fantastic, except for this one, recent thing: he tells his ex-girlfriend things about our relationship that I would have liked to stay between us. For example, he told her about our first kiss, which was extremely awkward because I was not emotionally ready to kiss him and he did it out of the blue. Another story he told her was that we were walked in on by a hotel staff member, which was extremely humiliating for both of us. He recently mentioned to me that he told her these things and I froze, both of these events are embarrassing for me and I had no idea he was sharing these with other people. I completely understand that these were embarrassing for him too so he needed to vent, but it does not sit well in my stomach because I am also involved. We did have a small conversation when he told me, about how I was uncomfortable with this but I was just processing the whole thing and I did not have much to say. He told me he would continue telling things to her but over time he would slowly move her out of his life. Overall I do not mind at all that he talks to her, but I did not know he tells her (what I thought) were private things.

My partner tells his ex girlfriend private stories between us

Default profile image
Ask your partner why he needs to hang on to the hand of the woman who mistreated him badly & also ask him why he needs her approval of what he does with you & how often etc. You on the other hand can just have a look in the mirror & ask yourself why are you with this guy? Why are you with an insecure & anxious man & do you actually deserve a man who should be able to put you on a pedestal without asking someone else's permission? Yeah he's done the right thing & tells you that he's telling his ex everything about you guys but, he has to understand, that it's none of her business whether she asks him or he just flat out tells her. She's married, so why can't she vent to her husband? hello? the same applies with him when you're his partner. Boundary violation? yep it sure is, but be sure to tell him straight to his face & put it in black & white without any grey areas so he understands you perfectly the first time in case he doesn't know what it is. If you need to ask him more than once to quit it or even worse, beg him, then it's not worth your time while he slowly moves his ex out of his life. It's about him having respect for you & your relationship together & if he can't prioritise that, for whatever the bloody reason, then you're better off elsewhere.

My partner tells his ex girlfriend private stories between us

Default profile image
Absobloodylutely agree 100% with Manalone (schmokinnnnn!). Why does he have to SLOOOOOWLY move her out of his life, anyway? That, Clementine, sounds too much like Word Salad to me. If you have decided to remove someone from your life (does that gallant-ness gel with telling your - YOUR - private secrets?) - particularly because your relationship with them is causing your supposedly Numero Uno concern over your whole relationship with her (he'd sense it), then, why not just get it over and done with? So it sounds like a veiled threat come fob-off to me, as well (three for the price of one). Doesn't it you two guys? How come he sees her without you? Why aren't you socialising only as two couples? They're called Ex for a reason. Any normal-healthy bloke knows it's Not On to have your ex in the picture so early on - especially if (which he's shown it does) poses as a threat to the trust in him you've alread invested (which obviously it does). It's supposed to be Honeymoon Period...floating on Cloud 9. I've known farfarfarfarFAR better Cloud 9s - haven't you, Clementine? And how do we know this sort of man who'd behave this sort of way WAS doing the right thing by telling you. Maybe it's to COW you? Maybe you'll be far more inhibited all the way to downright censored in future if you know "everything you say can and will be taken down as used against you" (- golden oldie N saying - google). He'd have to "be honest" and tell you or - where's the Coercively-Controlling "Sword of Damocles", constantly waving over your head, particularly whenever you'd want to, and normall would, stand up for yourself in any argument or attempt to complain? Answer: nowhere. First kiss. Knew you found it humiliating. Telling you he's betrayed your trust. Playing innocent and dumb. Ex in the wings... ....Come ONNNNN, Clementine, wakey-wakey. He's not a real-live social retard. Well, my nose is twitching, anyway. Me no like him. Even 'just' based on having his ex around and seeing her alone. And only 6 mths in is also characteristically far too early to be coming up against problems THIS Dealbreaker-ish (- oh, yes - plenty of women would have, already, 'just' for that, Clementine!). The experts would say, he already is cheating...one foot on the slippery slope, at least. Because he is sharing information with another woman instead of she whom that sharing now belongs EXCLUSIVELY WITH: you! It's called Emotional/Emotionally Cheating. Go google. Also google Narcissistic Triangulation - because that's what it is, hence fits with. This N is on the rebound, in fact. Only 6 months in is what indicates that. Normally they wait until Month 8 or 9. ("I'm just beeinnng honeeeest?" News for him: Honesty has zero to do with cruelty; they are two distinctly separate things.) Think you'd best keep Manalone/all of us posted, missus.

My partner tells his ex girlfriend private stories between us

Default profile image
Here you go... Two long-term experts with first-hand victim experiences... These are about *Malignant* aka Dark NPDs: But before you start: Question: Do you have actual proof or merely his word that SHE was the problematic/toxic partner? Because it's funny how he's the one who hasn't wasted any time in needlessly causing altogether avoidable psycho-emotional problems (trust betrayal, destabilisaton, plus upset) - for you alone (clearly HE wasn't and still isn't embarrassed! Actions say so) - too early in, as I said. And PS: dark Narcs, narcissitic sociopaths especially, amongst other lacks, have NO SHAME OR EMBARRASSMENT, where normals would/do, especially given who the 'listener' in this case is. I mean, how would that NOT strike the messenger as bound to be embarrassing to you and therefore best NOT to risk it? Spath-Narcs also risk the relationship. A lot... staight Coverts mainly use their mouth...unless they get desperate. Spaths-Narcs don't have their patience; they need thrills...sailing too close to the wind...as well as 'wins'. Yours just risked getting fired and, instead of being 100% contrite and promising it'll never happen again.... (you know the rest). _____________________________________ 1. Dr Durvasula (- she's a 'Walk Away, Don't Waste Your Time' merchant) https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a33554917/narcissism-relationships-exes-psychologist-explains-doctor-ramani-durvasula-video/ "Narcissists Have a Very Specific Reason They Like to Stay in Touch With Their Exes Spoiler alert: it's not because they're mature or evolved. A narcissist may well try to frame this character trait as virtuous or evolved to their current partner, when in fact, they're just looking after their "gravy train" of validation. And for the ex, it can result in them getting dragged back into the same old patterns. "It can be years where you still get caught up in that mental gamesmanship and sort of hypnosis of being in one of these relationships," says Durvasula. "So when they do a side love bomb on you, while they're still in a relationship with someone else, you can feel all that excitement you did when you were originally love bombed." There are a couple of other factors that feed into this behavior. For one, narcissists often struggle with abandonment issues. "They're struggling with a core insecurity," she says. "If we're solid in our sense of self, we may miss someone, but we won't feel that primitive sense of abandonment. Narcissists can have that sense, especially if the person they used to be in a relationship with is someone they value: someone who is rich, powerful, attractive, much younger than them, or something that gave them some extra superficial cachet." And finally, Durvasula adds, narcissists just really love having secrets. "For narcissists, secrets are power," she says. "It's a little bit of currency, or a weapon they can take out down the road. It makes them feel like they're getting away with something, and fuels their grandiosity." That isn't to say Durvasula believes everyone who stays in contact with an ex is a narcissist; it's the secrecy and manipulation that go along with it that are the big problems. "As long as it's transparent, above board, healthy, and there's no microcheating going on, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing," she says...." _____________________________________ 2. Shahida Arabi (- she's an understated and ladylike, 'Run them over with a steamroller!' merchant, haha) (Read this from ex-gf's point of view): https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/research-finds-that-narcissists-try-to-remain-friends-with-their-exes-for-darker-reasons#1 Research Finds That Narcissists Try To Remain Friends With Their Exes For Darker Reasons Have you ever wondered why a toxic ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend reached out to you after a break-up to try and remain friends? Why someone who clearly did not value you during your relationship together seemed to show renewed interest only after things ended? While there can be many reasons why an ex-partner reaches out, those who have been involved with emotionally abusive narcissists can feel validated in knowing that their ex-partner’s reasons are less motivated by love and far more motivated by darker and more selfish reasons. A recent research study conducted byMogilski and Welling (2017) showed that those who had darker personality traits such as narcissism, psychopathy and duplicity tended to stay friends with their exes out of pragmatism, sex and access to resources. This is not surprising to anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Since narcissists lack empathy and exploit others for their own gain, what is known as “hoovering” is common. What Is Hoovering? Hoovering, aptly named after the Hoover vacuum, is a technique narcissists use to try to “suck” their victims back into the vicious cycle of abuse and regain control, especially if their partners left them first. By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time. ((Free bed & board, free sex, free everything...while they save their own, secret money.) According to therapist Andrea Schneider, LCSW, hoovering is “the state in which a psychological abuser returns to attempt to abuse a former source of narcissistic supply. This hoovering could come in the form of an “innocent” text checking up on you, a missed phone call, a pleading voicemail, e-mails, an “accidental” run-in at places you frequent or even via third party contact. It can even be orchestrated by provocation: sneakier narcissists can hoover indirectly by posting lies about you, anticipating that you’ll respond defensively or by manufacturing scenarios in which you’re likely to come into contact. Rest assured, hoovering is a power play, not an indication that the narcissist actually values you. As one narcissism expert puts it: "Narcissists hate to fail or lose, so they will do what they can to maintain some connection if they didnt make the choice to end it. They can experience narcissistic injury when rejected by a partner and have difficulties letting it go or healing from it they may stay connected [to exes in order to] have access to valuable resources. They also have inside information about their exes vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control. –Trusted Source Unfortunately, hoovering can be incredibly nefarious and insidious in its impact. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse can be left reeling as they are thrown back into self-doubt and the temptation to reengage in the cycle with their narcissistic partners.” ___________________________ Google, "Narcissistic Sociopathic (or Psychopathic) Hypnotic Effect". That's how victim exes can strike as weak and dumb for staying involved or getting sucked back in again. Drugged (via certain button-pushing), actually. And then, there are my own actions. Can't leave this thread alone in terms of wanting you to have all the info, now-now-now. Early Warning signals...too recognisable. That's why.

This thread is due to expire in 35 days

B-3