Changing jobs in the same industry
I have considered a job working in the same industry I am currently in. I have worked for the same small office for 9 years. The new job is offering more pay, more time off and already make me feel more valued. I have been unhappy with my current job for a while. Wearing many hats and getting whiplash between all the responsibilities placed on me. Multiple conversations expressing my concerns. I’m strongly considering taking it but my current boss makes me feel I should be loyal to him. Please know this isn’t some large company. There’s a group of 10 of us and it’s just a small office where I report to the owner directly. Should I feel guilty for desperately wanting to accept the new job? Should I tell my boss I would be in the same industry (competitor)? Thank you so much!!
At the end o the day, it's your call where you NEED to go to be happy with your career. 9 years is a fair slog & depending on which country you reside, 1 year off of your first long service leave. Your boss talks about loyalty, but if you're not cut out for multiple roles & extra responsibility then that's how it goes full stop. Where you go is not your boss's business, but if it's in the same industry, then it's good manners to tell them particularly when you've been part of a small team for so long.
One door will close for you while another one opens but before you walk through that door, with or without your boss's blessing, make sure you won't be tempted to look back over your shoulder. Regardless, if your gut's telling you, rather than your head, that you're not valued, then it's time to move on...& don't be counting that extra cash at the new role because it alone won't make you happy.
I agree with Manalone.
It's a no-brainer, really...
You've given your loyalty. Unerringly. Where's the reciprocation from HIM gone of late? Answer: His/the office's has crept into taking you for granted and now, beyond, into taking-considerable-advantage-of-you territory, whereby you're being over-loaded, over-worked and can SEE you're no longer even appreciated for it. That appreciation has turned into, him *expecting* your Bending Over Backwards. As his right.
(This is just between you and us, btw, you obviously wouldn't vocalise it like this to him.)
If one wants unending loyalty then one has to BE unendingly loyal (duh) (to him). The senior office personnel have to be seen at all times to set a good example to the junior.
He needs a wake-up slap. To get pigging real. (I'd happily be the one to do it.)
This is business. "You snooze, you lose". He snoozed so he's losed (haha). Simple as that.
And in future, never stay in any relationship, biz or personal, where you're getting the very short end of the stick, especially when denied any means of protest and redress. FOR YOUR WORKPLACE RIGHTS. And certainly don't feel sorry for people who abuse their power status over you by treating you unfairly and dismissively (I mean - how many warnings did the guy need?! In fact, how many did you actually give him?).
See how much is wrong with him as an employer and individual?....albeit that all of it is very, very subtle and 'under the table'?
Anyway, an innings as long as nearly 10 years is RARE these days! But in biz, you're SUPPOSED to move on as you grow and evolve, into become ready for something/someones more professional, You're too big for your small, starter pond with its small (and IMO, somewhat selfish and mean) boss, now. COURSE he'd want to keep you - what a bargain! But, I'll tell you again: it is ucking unprofessional for any employer to turn on the subliminal waterworks by GUILTING your employee out of leaving, to the extent where a career-woman who's doing nothing but BEING NORMAL can't even take her next, natural step up theladder, without feeling like a sh*thead for it, rather than his thanking her for the time and incredible hard work she DID give him, and wishing her well in her new, bigger pond. It's called, Gentleman Businessman.
You've done nothing wrong, nothing out of the ordinary for a career-person or human being, and sound positively diamond-like. Au contraire - everything MORE than right! Silly sod should be giving you a MEDAL, not bloody emotionally-blackmailing vibes, etc.
(I think you can tell he has my full, professonal disapproval by now, eh.)
As you're moving up into the Middle Pond now, do try to be a little less sentimental and over-conscientious (regardless that they're wonderful, very necessary qualities in your social and love-life)... a little less squishy and willing to bend-over-backwards...just turn that dial down some. IOW, give us un "URRRRRRRR!". In fact, if you use this forum alias in other places, like, a part of your email addy, I'd suggest you change it to She-Bear...make yourself sound more serious.
Just tone the "would do anything for anyone" bit. You see what happens when you leave that dial permanently on 11. I mean, some employers recognise and value that whole work-ethos so much they're careful NEVER to treat you mean (like, letting your valid, important complaints/protests go ignored and unrectified).
He deserves to lose you at this point along, is my opinion.
But you can still keep it civil and friendly in a biz sense.
I suggest you deal with him regarding handing your notice, in a "More Tea, Vicar?' manner....create a telling smidgen of formality. It'll 'say', This lady is not for turning, and he'll be less likely to try it on with the manipulation tactics and atmosphere again...will accept it's time to say goodbye, more professionally.
I mean, really... Doesn't it say it all that a stranger company has made you feel more valued than you've felt in a LONG time, all in the titchy space of, what - two interview meetings?
Don't use your boss as an excuse. Jump! Goferit! YEAY!
WELL DONE, CONGRATULATIONS. And - ooh - exciting! :)
Thank you both so much. You’ve validated what I’ve been told by family and friends who know how difficult this decision is. I wanted to get anonymous responses because those who love us sometimes tell us what we want to hear. I do intend on taking the new job. Money aside, feeling valued is something we all deserve and is more than enough of a reason for me to leave. I strongly considered taking a position 6 months ago that was A LOT less pay just to be valued. While my husband was awesome and would have supported either decision, I chose to stay because I like my lifestyle and didn’t want that to change. I haven’t felt valued in quite some time. However, the new employer in a handful of conversations seems to care more than the current. I’m definitely a people pleaser and I do know that is something I need to change for the next job. I need to learn to say no. Haha. I’m a wife and mom so it’s in my personality to be helpful. It does get taken advantage of by people though. I did have several meetings with my current boss explaining how I felt and had proof and situations where he promised to make things better and stop putting so much on my plate, but never followed through. I am expected to wear multiple hats but still get as much done as the person who wears only one.
I’m done ranting, I promise. I put in my 2 weeks today and am just going to see the bright side of the new possibilities!
Again, thank you both so much!!
Oh, crikey - I somehow missed you til now!
Thank-you kindly for the feedback and closure, but...um....I've spotted a wee virus in your programme so if you fancy a quick spring-clean in the old bonce, in the tiny crevices behind the telly and such, so that you're sqeaky-shiny (empty-In-Tray.ed) for your new job, then allow me to pluck them out for you as an Extra-Over as a form of compensation.
1. "because those who love us sometimes tell us what we want to hear."
Er. Do they?
"Folks/siblings/amigos? I can't see, but the ground suddenly feels weird! Am I about to walk into an open Manhole or something?"
"Nooooooo, you're fiiine!"
Is that a byproduct of Love? Or something else, and love doesn't even come into it?
And yet in this instance, everyone WAS telling the truth. "Things that make ya go, Hmmm..."....
So who, precisely, is it that fobs you off with false reassurance (or used to and you aren't over it yet)?
2. ORRRRRR.....Are you that scared of changing jobs that your trust engine has ended up stalling? Or/and is this a leaked result of how emotionally-battered (self-doubting, decisions feeling too hard to make, scareder than usual/skittish/nervous, etc.) that job, and especially that boss, has left you????
My guess is, da boss. The one that rhymes with, Dross.
3. NO. DO NOT CHANGE. Just turn the dial down, not all the way to 0. Learn to say No *Sometimes*.
'Sometimes I say Yes and sometimes I say no. It depends on the question/request, which at the time gets judged on its merits and all other evidence.'
That's your goal. All Spock and very little Captain Kirk. Kirk is there if he's NEEDED. But Spock is the team leader when you're at work.
You see, you HAVE been eroded. Your own solution was far too extreme....'Well, I'll turn it OFF, then!'. You've had Extremes (opinions, actions, negligences) shoved at you in this job, both over and under your radar, over a long period, and have caught that habit a tad ("Splitting", it's called).
In the first instance, go merely from 11 to *5*. Adjust it up 1 or down 1, after having tried yourself out at that setting. Until it feels right for you and the enviroment/culture. It's all a big, balancing-act, you see.
AND THIS IS ONLY WHEN IN THE OFFICE, so...
New mantra for you:
Right Qualities (mine)
Don't deprive other people of the real you just because you got somewhat 'skinned' by one (it "suddenly" turned out), exploitative, self-centred pillock and deceitful, sneaky beep-beep. A good boss gives you feedback constantly, as he goes.
Oh, and another thing: Your salary is the very FIRST symbol of how valued you are - your unique blend of skills and talents...the whole point of being there....work in exchange for money. When it's more generous than it needed to have been, that's a thank-you for your personality, including your loyalty and integrity, and to show they're fond of you. Plus an excellent reference at the end of it.
There again, there are advantages to going in with your belly exposed. Obviously you wait until your 3-mth trial is up whereupon it's 'safe' for people to take a proper interest in you and start getting fond of you. Nice people will help you protect it by taking it into account and showing appreciation for your openness and real-human-ness, warm it up for you, even. Narc types will waste no time in going for it with a fist (if they see you as a threat). In five mins flat you've found out who the decent-healthies are and whom to give a very wide berth.
All depends on whether you have a six-pack or not, doesn't it - if you think about it?
I was me wherever I worked. With a Six-Pack. They'd hurt their FIST, trying to punch my exposed belly.
'Dat's der way der do id, Dudy!' (- ref Punch & Judy)
I chose total freedom tooo beee meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Me here, me there, me even floating in the air, in a plane, or on a train, with a fox in a box (sorry haha).
Which do you prefer the thought of? Wearing a bit of a chestplate of armour day-in-day-out or cultivating a Six-Pack?
Since the business world can allow or even encourage out narcissistic attitudes/manipulations, or outright Narcissists, I recommend Modom try the Six Pack, which MEANS...use this time to gen up on "Narcissists In The Workplace". That way, you'll go into your next job, PROPERLY tooled-up.
But anyway. Clearly you need to do more ranting so - don't apologise for being Human - go for it. Nobody said you had to leave yet?
PS: "am expected to wear multiple hats but still get as much done as the person who wears only one."
Now that...is worth a lot of annual salary! Multi-Skilled, you are.
Note that. You need positive feedback from YOU, TOO.
Anyway, so where were we - oh, yes - what a frustrating pr*ck, eh? His poor wife must have to nag for England all the time. UUURGH!......URGH!....UH! Can you imagine?
I can. I was once married to it. ("Gimmie-the-gun-gimmie-the-ucking-gun-GUN-GUN-GUUUUNNNNN!") And all they were asked to do was to remember to THIS WEEK take the bins out in-time.
Nagging in this circumstance ("Sometimes") is not nagging, it's repeated observation under growing frustration yet keeping one's self control by NOT screaming it in their face like you feel like doing. That your (her) husband/teammate is not doing what even little boys know is one's husbandly/wifely/bossly/whateverly DUTY!
No, I think you could do with a safe rant, actually. That's a LOT OF YEARS OF FRUSTRATION BUILD-UP IN YOU, MISSUS. Get that idiot's toxins ("ugh! - unclean!") out of your precious system ("lovely-sparkly, yeahhh"). Do a stream of Consciousness and then only asterisk the swearwords afterwards if you like.
Look at what he's done to you, psychologically and emotionally. Come oon - give him What For!
Better out than in. Really.
Sometimes you strike it lucky and find a company (usually medium- or medium-small-sized) that is wholly clear of Narc colleagues/bosses. Oh joy! But you still have to climb that ladder into a bigger bond again. Or - worse - a Narc suddenly joins your beloved company, and it all goes steadily to shite. So - no time like the present!
Tell you what though... why don't you spend longer in the loo for these last 2 weeks (dodgy tummy, uhhh, might be Covid), reading up on Narcs in the Narcplace (freudian deliberate).
You might be shocked at that suggestion - gosh, how unprofessional. Yuh but, (1) (assuming you have your reference already) why should only YOU be professional (give-give-give) when it's supposed to be 'Tennis'?, and (2) your inner animal has been tied to the train-tracks, made to suffer with you. YOU may not want to rant or equalise the scoreboard just a little while you still can, but I'll bet you SHE does.
It's known as (a) blowing a gasket, or (b) going De-Mob Happy over which you have ZERO control re whether it hits or not and how hard it hits. (It's a drugs-trip, maan, you can only see it in hindsight.)
So that's why I'm saying, let your inner warrior do MOST of the roaring - NOW. Strike whilst the iron is hot. And then it might just be merely 10 extra mins in the loo here and there.
....Effectively, getting paid for 2 weeks for learning how to do Office Combat counter- or avoidance-moves. Now, that would go some way towards Compensation, courtesy of your Sob-I mean Boss, but below his radar (for a bleedin change), wouldn't it just. (Insert evil, world-dominating cackle.)
Me did it. I'm only nice to people who've been nice to ME. ..."Uh...tum cramps...need loo again...sorry, be as quick as I can". Just go "uuuuuuh!" a lot while you're reading if you hear anyone come in. (PMSL) And spray your perfume before you leave. Like you would "if".
Luckily, most places, I didn't. I was so grateful and sad to leave, even when we'd made a lunch date for the following week!, that I'd insist on 2 months notice with my job-offerer so that I could train up my replacement or the boss or whatnot. GOOD new bosses LIKE that. Added bonus.
What was the question again? My cue for beddybyes.
Here you go, while I'm brushing my teeth ("up and doown, up and dooown, till they're clean 'n spaaarkly" - know that one?):
Quick injection in your inner elbow (just Confidence Serum, won't hurt, WILL sooth and mend)...
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
The Female of the Species
WHEN the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
When Nag the basking cobra hears the careless foot of man,
He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can.
But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws,
They prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws.
'Twas the women, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,
For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;
But when hunter meets with husbands, each confirms the other's tale—
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
Man, a bear in most relations—worm and savage otherwise,—
Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise.
Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact
To its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.
Fear, or foolishness, impels him, ere he lay the wicked low,
To concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe.
Mirth obscene diverts his anger—Doubt and Pity oft perplex
Him in dealing with an issue—to the scandal of The Sex!
But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame
Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same;
And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,
The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.
She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast
May not deal in doubt or pity—must not swerve for fact or jest.
These be purely male diversions—not in these her honour dwells—
She the Other Law we live by, is that Law and nothing else.
She can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great
As the Mother of the Infant and the Mistress of the Mate.
And when Babe and Man are lacking and she strides unclaimed to claim
Her right as femme (and baron), her equipment is the same.
She is wedded to convictions—in default of grosser ties;
Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him who denies!—
He will meet no suave discussion, but the instant, white-hot, wild,
Wakened female of the species warring as for spouse and child.
Unprovoked and awful charges—even so the she-bear fights,
Speech that drips, corrodes, and poisons—even so the cobra bites,
Scientific vivisection of one nerve till it is raw
And the victim writhes in anguish—like the Jesuit with the squaw!
So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer
With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her
Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands
To some God of Abstract Justice—which no woman understands.
And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him
Must command but may not govern—shall enthral but not enslave him.
And She knows, because She warns him, and Her instincts never fail,
That the Female of Her Species is more deadly than the Male.
(...Basically a rhyming gender-based psychology lesson, I dost think.)