My dad treats me like crap
Ever since I can remember, my dad has had anger issues. When I was younger, he was working most of the time, but whenever he was home, he just was angry at EVERYTHING. He would get mad at my mom and throw something at her or slap her or scream right in her ear. This went on for years. Finally, they got divorced, and since I couldn't stand how my dad treated us, I lived with my mom for a few years. My sophomore year of highschool, my dad started calling me and trying to be nice to me and stuff. So i figured he'd realized how much of a jerk he had been and was trying to recuperate. So every couple of days I would go stay the night at his house or hang out with him. Then my mom got engaged and moved from California to Washington to live with her husband. He owns his own business and makes a good amount of money, which i think is what pissed off my dad. As much as I love my mom, I wanted to stay in California to finish highschool. My dad had a baby with his girlfriend, and so I also wanted to stick around and be there while he grew up. So I stayed with my father. Now it is my junior year of highscool. I get good grades, I'm my class president, I have a job afterschool, I'm on the varsity soccer team. Apparently i'm not good enough for my dad. All he ever does is talk down to me. The smallest things tick him off and once he's angry, it doesn't stop for several hours. He forces me to go to the mormon church every sunday. I've tried telling him that i don't necessarily believe in that religion, but he goes crazy. Every week i go, i HATE it. He doesn't seem to understand that i'll be fine without it. He is a major hypocrite, too. He has had children with three different women (only married one), one before my mom and one after, yet he still believes he is pure and righteous. He's threatened to kill my mother several times. Now he threatens to kill himself whenever he gets upset. Lately, he has been threatening to kill me, too, although he's never physically abused me. He just constantly tells me how useless i am, and blames me for all his problems. Whenever I try to respond to him, he gets even more furious and SCREAMS in my face. I think he gets satisfaction out of making me cry. I would like to go live with one of my friends, but I know he would never allow it. He blames all his problems on everybody else and I don't know if I can deal with it much longer.
i feel for you.
i saw my dad hit my mom once and would scream and stuff i was the ouble maker in the family me and my dad would fight a lot and one time i tjink i got him really mad when i said i wish he wasnt my dad and what he said back shocked me he told me he wishes he wasnt my father at first i was like whatever i was 15 at the time but the very next day he planned to leave and he cried and apologized and i cried to and eventually apologized too.. back in 09 my dad passed i miss him so much he left 5 kids.. i love him and although we faught a lot i would give anything to have atleast just 1 day with him.. your dad is your dad and he has done a lot of bad you shouldnt feel bad i mean i know its hard but i mean you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders he sounds like he has anger issuses like you said but when he threatens to kill that isnt cool i dont suggest you to move away because you can be there if anything.. get me? if something goes down you can be there to help because if things like that go on i wouldnt leave your dads girlfriend alone with him especially with baby there.. if anything you all leave but thats like at the end i would talk to your dad about what is going on tell him somethings like how you feel
Hello YOUR DAD IS A CRAZY LUNATIC! You NEED to GET away from him. YOU SOUND LIKE A WONDERFUL INTELLIGENT GIRL THAT HAS A VERY GOOD HEAD OF HER SHOULDERS
It sounds like he has "WOMAN"issues if he has had so many dysfunctional failed companionship's with..how many woman? And it sounds like he wants control..I mean a part of me feels bad for him but jeeze if he makes you cry and hurts you...forget about it..I give your Mom mad props for moving away and moving on. I really do. You should move to Washington with her when you finish school. Because he might get worse.
He obviously has issue's. And I am scared that he might "SNAP" one day...Because you dis say that he "threatens" to kill you and has threatened in the past with your Mother. You know so please if you ever decided to move away or start to gain control of a situation ...like what "normal girls do"? ....Turning 18 and being aloud.... to be a "normal human being"... and all. Just be careful don't ever be to comfortable is all I'm saying..because..The Mormon church are full of crazy people! & you are absolutely right about how your Dad is a jerk for making you go and thinking that he is all high and mighty and pure and clean when he hasn't been, that's how ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE! They are all nuts..from what I hear on T.v and stuff.. Be careful. i do feel bad for him kinda.. I find myself analyzing that if your Dad treats you like this..He must be really sick inside, you know? Mentally sick, and depressed.. maybe you could find a way to help him... Maybe he has Bi-polar disorder or depression you know? You might be able to help him.. he is your Dad. ?
...i don't know maybe you can make him a doctor's appointment.. for him and ask him to go? Bring it up genitally ...okay well that's all i got.. umm I;m new to this so i hope i can really reach people because i am hurting too i have the same experience with this same dillema your going threw and i can understand what it's like....
Ugh! I can REALLY identify, and empathise, with what you're going through. My father is exactly the same. I grew up with his bad temper, hyper-criticism and general nastiness. Now that I am older (42) and married, I still cannot escape him. Every little bit of contact I have to have with him is VILE - even if I only see him twice in a whole YEAR (Christmas and Birthday), it's utterly awful.
I guess that there are some people in life that we can never please, no matter how hard we try. That is NOT our fault. IT is the fault of such people. I can tell you now, they ALL have several things in common, which make them impossible to please (and utterly unpleasant to be around). People like my father (I cannot call him dad, as he is just so distant to me, and I have no feelings of closeness towards him) and your dad are basically BULLIES. They are people who make themselves feel good, or superior, or powerful by picking on others.
I know that my own father has "issues" (for want of a better word). I know his childhood and upbringing were not great. I know his father was a drunkard, and died when my father was only 15. I know his family were left very poor. I know he had lots of brothers and sisters, so never got any individual attention. I KNOW ALL MY FATHER'S GRIPES.
Point is, he is now an ADULT. A grown man with children of his own (me and my younger brother). Once a person is old enough to get married and have a family of their own, they HAVE to do some serious soul searching, and begin to take responsibility for how they live their lives. No matter what problems they have, or how bad their past was, they have NO right at all to take these things out on their children. Neither you, nor I, should have been our fathers' punchbags. WE did NOT cause their problems, or make their mistakes - so we are NOT to blame.
People who bully their own children are ABUSERS, plain and simple. They are sad individuals, who have not grown up enough to take responsibility for their own actions. They prefer to blame others. I also suspect that such people have a massive "chip on their shoulders". Bullies are at heart cowards - people who feel INADEQUATE around others. They especially seem to pick on people who they actually feel threatened by.
I suspect you dad is very similar to mine. I also suspect that your overall situation is quite similar, too. My father was married to my mother, who is a very timid and weak woman who has mental health problems. My father was always able to dominate her, even to this day. She rarely holds any opinion that is not identical to my father's. She never does anything without getting his "permission" first. My father is very "traditional" (I call it stuck in the Stone Age!). He is the family breadwiner, and runs his own business. My mother does the accounting for this, but rarely gets any credit. My father boasts it is ALL his own hard work (like my mum does nothing!).
My parents' relationship was always fraught, and based on screaming and shouting at each other, and explosive temper tantrums. They always split and got back together. Also, they are not at all "emotional" as a couple, or as parents. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, no showing one's feelings, no saying family members loved each other, or supported each other. As a family, we just lived like separate isolated people, in the same house!
My father used to get a "kick" out of letting everyone know their place. He owned the house. We owed our existence, our food, clothes, everything to him. He bossed everyone about. Me most of all. I could not use the bathroom if he wanted it. I could not do my homework at the kitchen table if he chose to sit there (even though there was nowhere else for me to do it). He turned off programmes I wanted to watch on TV. He banned me playing my choice of music, even in my own bedroom.
I was not allowed to dress the way I liked. My grades were NEVER good enough (even though I got 9 O-levels, 4 A-levels, and 2 University Degrees). I had endless arguments with my father about what I wanted to study, or what I wanted to do for a living. Anything I enjoyed, or was good at, my father said was "stupid", or "useless", or "piss assed" (his favourite expression!), or "won't get me a job".
I am writing this to you, as it is now Boxing Day, and I went for Christmas Dinner at my parents' house yesterday (along with my husband). IT WAS AWFUL. My mum was pleasant. The Christmas Dinner was fantastic. But, my father managed to utterly put the dampeners on it all. Everything I said at the dinner table, he tried to talk over the top of. If my mum or my husband told him to wait until I had finished talking, he started to shout. He did let my mum and my husband talk, but then disagreed with everything they said. But if I even so much as attampted to start a conversation, he began to yell and shout. He made it clear that his opinions were the only ones that counted. He also said some REALLY nasty and insensitive things about the type of work that my husband and I do (healthcare). He blamed us for the recession, saying that we only did our jobs to "cream" a huge pension (so NOT true!). He then picked on me for going back to do Postgraduate study, saying I should be in work, and that I was only gaining more "useless skills". Much as I enjoyed the meal, I couldn't wait to go home.
So, why am I telling you this? Well, you need to realise that some people NEVER change. (My father has probably always been an aggressive bully, and during my lifetime this has not changed). This is because they are too blind to see the effects of their unpleasant behaviour, and sometimes also too ignorant to even realise that they ARE unpleasant. Some people lack what is called "insight"; they cannot comprehend the impact of their own behaviour, so therefore they always think there is nothing wrong.
You, however, are clearly developing into an individual. You have beliefs and opinions of your own, and whether they are right or wrong, you are free to have them. After all, we are ALL individuals. None of us are identical, and nobody has the right to try to force you to conform to what they want you to be.
You dad (just like mine) wants a "mini me" - a child who is simply an extension of himself, and is forced to be utterly identical to him in every way. He fears your individuality, because it is a challenge to him. It is also unexpected, as he is so used to dominating people. He is probably terrified that you will succeed in your own right, and at something YOU alone wish to do, as ths will prove everything he currently says about you to be wrong.
Remeber, whenever you feel down about things, that YOU are NOT to blame. Your dad has the problem, not you. It is not always easy to get through life, and to make your own choices and decisions, when you have a bullying parent. It takes a lot of strength, and determination.
At the end of the day, you need to try to focus on getting yourself into a safe and stable position, where you can be independent in your life. If this means working hard at your studies, and trying to get the best job you can, then do it. If you can earn a place at University, then there is a good chance that this might offer you an opportunity to live away from home. You need to put yourself in a position where your father can no longer have power over you.
If things get really bad, and all too much, try to talk it over with somebody. Do you have a good friend, or a teacher, or somebody you could confide in? Would you feel safe talknig to a counsellor, or a youth worker, or somebody similar? You need to find somebody to give you independent advice, somebody who is not family to talk to. They need to be somebody who can see, and understand your point of view, and can discuss with you the different options you may have available - somebody who can help you stay focussed on making your future good for YOU. You need to find somebody who can "fight your cause" with you, and help to make sure that your dad is not able to pressurise you to do what he wants all your life.
Good luck. Stick with it. Things may seem difficult for you, especially when most people seem to have supportive and caring families. I know from experience you can feel isolated and alone when you do not. But there are others of us out here, as you can see. We, too, have had to make the best of a bad situation. It can be done, even if it's not easy.
You are stronger than you think. You are tough enough to stand up against a bully, and try to be yourself. Many people could never imagine doing that - many people have an easy life, so they don't have to. But YOU are doing it. Keep it up, learn to be more selfish, and lay the foundations of a good future for YOU. Learn from your dad's mistakes. You don't ever have to become that sort of person.
I can relate to what you're saying my dad and mom have been off and on during their separation their married still but for the past two years its been off and on I didn't notice their marriage was struggling until I was given back to my mom (I was in foster care with my 2 little brothers) I mean before that my dad would always get in a fight with my mom and stay in a hotel for 2/3 days then come back and everything would be fine for like 2/3 weeks then it would happen again but I was 9 or 10 then so I didn't realize it but when I got back with my mom and especially this year he's acted like a total jerk I mean we can only last 3/4 days as a happy family and almost all those days except maybe 2 of them every little thing sets him off and he's always manipulate my mom and brothers sometimes me too than he gets in a fight with me or my mom and leaves but not before cussing me out when I defend my mom and making me feel worthless and my mom too I mean he's made my youngest brother psico and I mean literally but then he comes back into our lives by manipulate my mom and brothers after he made me feel soo bad I cut myself and my mom says I need to hug and give him a kiss after she told me a few days ago that she's going to get a divorce and I don't have to see him or talk to him if I don't want to basically im insane and dying but my dad manipulate my family too much to notice
Please make arrangements to live somewhere else. Go live with mom, for your safety sake!!
Your father is killing your SPIRIT. You sound like a wonderful person and need to get away from this toxic environment.
Call your mother TODAY and tell her what's going on.
How are you now? Did you leave?
he sounds like a piece of shit. my dad is the same I hate him calling me useless and a piece of shit