Separated from husband and with a guy that is married yet single
I know the title is probably not making any sense but I will try to clarify it in this. Please, excuse any typos and for it being long.
I separated from my husband of 10 years 5 months ago. He and I do have a child together and normally she spends 1 week with me and 1 week with her dad and we continue that unless something come up. Though the separation is not legal just more verbal than anything, I moved in with a guy that I had met over 4 years ago. Things started out fine. I still had a great job and though he is on disability for kidney transplant, he still kept up with things and helped around the house both he and his kids.
Here lately things have been getting tensed. For starters. I ended up leaving my job as my live in wanted me to stay around. He kept saying that he is lost without me and likes having me around. His income from his disability is ample enough but now it has gotten to where the moment he gets up, he is on Facebook, playing Farmville or he is sleeping. I get up and the my daughter up (when I have her) and get her ready for school. He does get his kids up but goes back to sleep. I remain up, take my daughter to school. Come back and start cleaning the house. I do the laundry, wash the dishes, etc. It is getting irritating that he and his kids don't help and much rather sit and watch TV and play on computers and phones. I have brought it up the their attention and they will help only when told. Then, it is back to me again. I am never done until nearly midnight. By then back is hurting and what not. But, that is a different story there (I blame the work as I can't stand the pig sty)
Here is another thing about the person I am living with. Well, he is still married. But, he separated from his wife about 3 years ago (not legal on paper) He wants to marry me and blah blah but I don't see him making his move on getting his divorce filed.
Another thing that gets to me is that it seems like he always wants me to go with him to places and do this and that. Also, he is clingy. I can't be in a room alone without him following me nor can I have peace in the bathroom to soak. Can't even talk on the phone outside without him coming out and following me. I bring it up to him and he gets huffy and raises his voice to me. One time him and I got into a heated debate and he got so irrate that he started hitting the walls and mashing his head into the wall, leaving a hole. Another time my daughter witnessed it was when he got mad and smashed the wall that a light fixture was on causing it to break. My daughter was hysterical.
That is him...now on to my husband
I left him because I got tired of going to work and getting home around 1am and cleaning up his mess and making bed by 2am. Getting back up at 6:15am to get my daughter ready for school and get her on the bus then try to get some more rest before I had to leave for work. In between I would get laundry going and clean house. By the time I had to leave for work, husband would be getting out of bed. Also, got tired of him looking at porn and dating sites. His excuse was because I was not giving him sex when he wanted it. I was working 5 days a week with only weekends on. 4pm to midnight. Plus, it seemed like the love left. It got where I kept to myself. If I wanted to see a friend, my husband would get mad if it was either a guy or if I wasn't back at a certain time.
Being away for 5 months from him has been relaxing yet stressful. The husband started telling me when I can and can't see my daughter and started accusing me of being an unfit mom for leaving him and how it is my fault that she wants to be with me more than him. He has hit me in the past. He has called me so many names and done all this right in front of my child.
Right now, I am trying to obtain a job so I can afford an attorney. But, the husband has already threaten me with a marriage counslour and dragging our daughter to a shrink. All because she really does not want anything to do with him. He told me that I need to come back and this would fix all the problems. He is nice one day and a demon the next. He was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago because he stopped eating. He is always popping pain pills and now the doctors have him on depression meds and a lot of other medications. He even told the doctor that I cheated on him and brought the doctor in on the relationship problem to where the doctor started asking if I was an abusive parent and so forth.
I am lost at what to do. Sorry for this being so long but I need help on this and any advice is greatly appreciated it.
Hi there. This breaks my heart, but I think I understand where you're coming from. You have a lot of resentment built up, and I can't say I blame you. That said, I also find it very telling that you seemed to have married one guy that was unappreciative and manipulative, only to move in with another man with the same issues. I'm not even going to try to guess why that may be, but it is curious. Fact is, you can't fix anyone but yourself. As frustrating as that is, it's been 100% true in my experience. Expecting others to change is counterproductive.
You may need to figure out what you can let go of in exchange for a little more peace and time to spend taking care of yourself. You can't effective take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. Just like flight attendants tell us on every flight. Even when with an infant, put your own oxygen mask on, then help your baby. It goes against our nurturing and protective instincts, but it's absolutely necessary. Self care is not selfish.
After you figure out what you are willing to let go of, practice setting and keeping boundaries. Don't let others take you for granted. Everyone will pay a heavy price in the long run, so it's better to be honest about what you feel is fair. If you have to let everyone fend for themselves in order to take care of you, then do that, without apology. Once you have more solid boundaries, most of these struggles should resolve fairly naturally, and you'll have more energy and clarity with which to address issues as they come up. When enforcing your new boundaries, try to remember to be kind, but take no sh*t.
Hope that helps, or at least, doesn't hurt. Best of luck and I hope things smooth out for you, and soon.