My girlfriend has said she doesn't want sex
This is my first post so I hope it is in the right area.. I dont think you can go too wrong!!
Here is my situation. Been with my GF for 4 years this year and we have an 18 month old son... Generally speaking we are a happy couple but have had our issues over the time we have been together. Much of it has turned out to be depression on both our parts (diagnosed by the DR.).
The problem we have is that she NEVER wants to have sex. She has recently declared that she just isnt interested in it, she doesnt think about it and that she feels she needs professional help to get it sorted. The problem there is that she has done nothing to get that professional help other than go to the Dr.
This is causing huge problems in our relationship as I have a normal drive and I feel nothing but neglected and unwanted by her. I have tried to be grown up about it all but we cant talk about it as I now feel that she just says whatever sounds best at the time.
She has made promises to try harder which she doesnt follow through on and when she finally decides we have gone without for long enough we have it but it is obligatory and not in any way arousing or satisfying.
I know this isnt all of her problem but I find it hard to be all close and romantic to her when I dont feel that she is doing anything for me. It is a viscous circle as she says if I was, it would help.
I am really starting to resent the situation and her to an extent. I love her and my son very much but I am really starting to feel trapped!
She is 26 I am 27.
Anyone been through this and/or have some advice?
I'm looking for the same answer. 3 years without sex is destroying me. Hope you get your answer.
Wow this is a tough one. Im sure theres reason behind it all. Maybe she went through things as a teen? or something.. But i think getting help is what she needs i mean its just not healthy.. i would have a babysitter come and set up a romantic night have some wine to looser her up, dance a little stuff she likes go to a hotel if need be or something and see what happens? i mean no disrespect intended maybe you should try bringing something new to the sex aspect? try giving her oral or something to show change? idk good luck friend hope this helped..
There are several significant reasons that your girlfriend may not want to have sex.
She may have postpartum depression, or any type of depression and some of the drugs used to treat it decrease sex drive.
She may have unresolved childhood issues that magnified once she had her own child (sexual abuse, emotional abuse etc.) For women our sex drives are directly linked to our emotional/mental states and if one isn't working the other won't work either.
There may be a physical reason that she has no sex drive (hormone imbalance etc.)
She may have body issues after having pushed another human being out of her body. If this is the case and you yourself look at other women, comment on them or disrespect your girlfriend in any way, then you can be sure she will not have the trust and intimacy needed for sex to occur.
Bottom line: move on from trying to have sex with her and be her person. If she knows you have her back and care more about her and your child than having sex, you may be surprised at what you get back in return. She will feel safe and loved enough to explore the real reasons that she has no sex drive and once she does that things will begin to improve.
That's a tough situation, but not as uncommon as you might think. I had a girl friend once who expressed to me the challenge of a low libido, but I don't think that is necessarily what is happening with you girl. I also know sex has a lot more involved in it than just libido. It does sound like your girl needs some professional, or at least "expert" type help, like something is going on more than lack of libido.
Some problems that can cause this are
Breakdown of trust and communication in a relationship.
One or more of her emotional needs not being met, even if it is not deliberate, by you.
Decreased self-esteem on her part.
It makes perfect sense that you are struggling to be romantic and loving towards her because YOUR needs are not being met. But anytime one partner's needs are not being met (physical is tied up in emotional needs when it comes to intimacy and relationships, for men and women!), he or she feels a breakdown in the trust of the relationship (unspoken-"I trust that you will be there for me and meet my needs, as my partner"). When that breakdown occurs, it needs to be recognized and worked on so the other parts of the relationship don't suffer.
Or there could be a deeper issue, like her withholding sex from you as punishment or a means to control the relationship, which is passive aggressive behavior, but I don't know enough about the rest of your relationship to say (but I do wonder, by the other things you said).
I think there is a lot more to look at in what is happening with your relationship. There is information out there though, and all the issues I pointed out. That's part of why I put them out there for you, so you can look into all the possibilities. I've been following a specific blog/website actually that's been really informative and helpful. They actually have started delving into this topic specifically lately, sex and emotional needs in a relationship. You might want to check it out, just to get a better idea of whether or not some of this is happening for you. It tends to focus on husbands, because that is more common, but the information relates to men AND women.
Hope it helps!!! Sexual intimacy is really important, don't feel bad for feeling like it is such a big deal!
I am responding only because I can relate- to your girlfriend.
My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 years. We had a great sex life for the first 10 months, and then I started working. For the first 10 months, I was unemployed technically- only a nanny to my niece and nephew on an every other week schedule. Our schedules do not mesh well. Times are tough and I needed a job badly. I took the first one I was offered, and ever since, my sex drive went down, down, down.
I do not know what the stress situation is for you or your girlfriend, but I know that my sleep habits and mood are off a lot due to the fact that I have to rotate my schedule several times weekly, and honestly- I just don't feel like having sex. It has nothing to do with not being attracted to my boyfriend. It has nothing to do with not loving him. It has to do with me, being stressed, and needing a place I can relax and NOT stress for once.
Is your girlfriend stressed out? I'll suggest this to you- why don't you try being sweet to her, without expecting anything? Buy her some flowers, offer to take her to dinner, or get her a gift certificate to get a pedicure/manicure. Make her dinner. Rub her feet. AND DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. And stop bringing up sex every five minutes.
And you're right- it is a vicious circle. My boyfriend pulls away from me when I'm not giving him sex every other day and that makes me not want him even more. Sometimes, women want to cuddle without being felt up. Sometimes, they want to enjoy a quiet evening at home without worrying if sex is going to be demanded or expected later on, only to have it turn into a fight.
I know my boyfriend resents me often times. But I'm telling you, maybe she feels pressured, and if she feels pressured, that turns her off, and in some way, repulses her from wanting to have sex ever with you.
Take my advice on doing something sweet. Don't bring up sex. Just be sweet. And see what happens.
Sit her down and have a frank discussion. Communication is so important. Tell her how you feel without making it sound like an attack on her.
Tell her you are happy and satisfied in every other way, you love her and know she is the best woman for you but intimacy is important to you and you cannot handle this anymore. She needs to know how serious it is. That you could leave her because of it. (Do not blackmail her or bribe her obviously) That is not what I mean but she needs to know that this issue could potentially destroy your relationship.
Ask her is there anything you can do to make it better for her? Does she orgasm every time. If she doesn't then you really need to work on that first before anything else.
If she does orgasm, then you need to look at other factors. Did she always have a low sex drive? If yes she needs to see a sex therapist
If no, she needs to find out why her sex drive has decreased..
It could be from birth control, diet, stress, exhaustion, hormone imbalance after giving birth etc
It could be that she doesn't feel close to you outside the bedroom.. Do you give her enough affection and love, do you ever take her out and spoil her?
Make her feel special. Either way you two are a team and you need to work together to solve this problem.
Sex is just as important as affection. They go hand in hand. She needs to feel happy outside the bedroom to feel happy in it.
If she just has no interest in sex and never had then maybe you need to leave her for your own sake.