My boyfriend and I have been dating only 6 months, but things started moving really fast. I have a 15 month old son and he has 4 and 9 year old sons. When we first started dating we all got along great and did stuff together. He told me in the past 5 years every relationship he has had ended because the women would just stop wanting his kids to come over and always complain about them. Lately the last few months have been just terrible. Their mother doesn't discipline them at all or teach them any manners so when they come over to my place on the weekends it bothers me that they throw garbage on the floor, don't pick up toys, turn tv off, refuse to eat anything but chicken nuggets, etc. Some things are so little, but it's everything all added together. They always expect to go out and do something and get toys and games bought for them and even though my boyfriend pays child support their mother buys them nothing. The 9 year old is overweight and the doctor told him he needed to eat healthier, but when I cook healthy he has a fit and his dad just gives in. He says every weekend it's something different and that they are just kids. I understand they are kids, but that's just it...they are KIDS not monsters, yet they act like monsters. I am the only one that cleans around here and my place is not big enough for 5 people, but my boyfriend has no desire to move somewhere bigger because he doesn't want people to have an address for him. I am really happy with him when it's him, myself, and my son, but then with his kids here I just cry I am so stressed. I've taken them to my parents before too and my parents can't stand them and told me never to bring them over again. I get it sounds like I'm just complaining, I just don't know what to do. I try all the time to make things better and get things for them to do and unless I spend $500 on them a weekend they don't seem to appreciate anything.
You should probably leave this relationship. I'm saying this with experience.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He has a 9 year old son from his ex wife. They divorced six years ago, and since then, he has only had his son over night two nights a week. Those two nights a week are the most stressful nights for me because he refuses to reprimand or be a parent to his son.
I'm only sticking around because I'm finally getting through to him that he can't be the good guy buddy buddy with his kid all the time- kids need discipline, they need structure, they need routine! And by not having that at one parent's house, it's creating a disastrous situation for all involved.
My boyfriend has also used the "it's just kid stuff" line on me. That is a cop out so that he doesn't have to be a bad guy. You're only six months into it, so my suggestion would be to get out, because even if he changes his parenting, you can't make the kids follow him if their mom is still spoiling them.
Stop cleaning up their messes and tell him he needs to do it. If their stuff is lying all over the place, tell him you're not picking up their messes, you're not their mother and if they won't listen to you, he needs to take responsibility for it. It is not the kids' fault, it is your boyfriend's fault. He is allowing disrespect and destruction in YOUR HOUSE and you need to DEMAND HIM to respect you and your home, or else- GET OUT. Also, you don't have to allow them in your home. Tell him he needs to take them elsewhere when they visit if it's that stressful.
If he doesn't get the hint that he needs to step up, leave. You're only going to hurt your life along with your son's if you allow him to continue this nonsense behavior.
Also, you can try cafemom.com- there is a step parenting forum there. The women are tough but some of them have good advice.
Miss Brooke, please don't leave, at least not yet. I know that this is a rough situation because I'm in it as well. I try being a little more understanding though because he is patient with my kids even when they act out, so I have to be patient with his. Sometimes I hate it! But it's only fair. Try talking to him and be as brutally honest as possible. Tell him you are thinking of walking away. Do not ask him to visit with his kids outside of the home because no parent wants to hear their child is not welcome. We don't want him resenting you. If there is hope for you two, he will fight for you by adjust the way he responds in situations where you need to discipline. Remind him that it is a partnership and that you're doing it out of love.
Hello there, well I agree with both replies. I am also in a similar situation. My partner has girl and a boy. 10 and 8. What a stressful and emotional roller coaster we have been riding the last two yrs. We are also paying through the child support agency...paying the mother...and we have the kids half and half. If not more!!! When the kids are here I do feel my most stressed. And like yourself I have tried and tried to ask him, plead him to ask his kids to tidy up, etc. He also shouts at me..and puts me down infront of them. I'm sick of asking him for more respect. But he will let them do whatever they want. It's so frustrating. I totally understand where ur comming from. I love it when it's just me and him. Although that time is very rare. His kids are so spoilt its disgusting. Just realised I'm meant to be replying with a supportive message...instead here I am venting about myself!! I do hope you can get through this. If you both love each other and want it to work..then it will. You may have no energy left but you must fight for him. As I'm trying to fight for my partner. I will do whatever it takes. Good luck, Charmaine