Married man in need of help
I've been married for 7 years and have a daughter and twins on the way. However my marriage is best described as in tatters. I seem unable to give my wife what she needs emotionally. She describes me as emotionally void, a wet fish, passionless etc among other things. This has been going on (according to her since we got married) and now she can no longer take it. She has explained what I do wrong (alot) and I seem incapable of putting things right. In her words I have broken her emotionally and she is beginning to hate me. At the end of the day I love her dearly and couldn't be without her, however I am incapable of making her feel this way. I seem to miss every opportunity to do nice things for her, then when I do and she explains to me (in tears) that I have hurt her, I then am incapable of fixing it. I forget/don't acknowledge key dates in the ways she does which gets her upset and let these opportunities to make her happy sail by. Money is tight but we are ok so its not really about money at all, rather her needing emotion from me (which I feel I give to her - I tell her I love her regularly) but she is not feeling it (and if she is not feeling it then its not there). She says I don't listen to her and always forget to do things. Granted I do forget to do alot of things but at the same time I feel like she says so much that I cannot remember it all (think information overload and it all goes out of the window). It didn't always used to be like this. She says that I am different from the person she originally met. I was caring and loving etc and made her feel special and now I don't. I have to be honest I am not a big talker and have never voiced any of my unhappiness in our marriage. Things changed when a close relative of hers died early on in our relationship and I presumed this would get better. It never did. From my side I suppose there was a certain amount of unrequited love, she did acknowledge that things had changed but that it would get better. It didn't and I never raised it. This is certainly because I was scared what this could mean and I suppose I am scared that we are not right for each other but I love her so much I don't want it to be the case. I sit here writing this wondering if I should allow my wife to call time on our relationship. She has asked me to leave before and I have asked to stay and she has agreed that we can try again, however this is all to regular now and not fair on her (or our daughter). Problem is that my wife feels that if this is how I treat someone I love then I will do the same to our daughter and unborn twins and therefore she is saying she will do all she can to prevent me having anything to do with them as she doesn't want them to think that acting this way is ok and to know what I have done to her. At the end of the day, I know my wife loves me (otherwise things wouldn't have got as bad, it would have just broken down and thats it), but I don't know how to stop hurting her. I run a business (working from home), I look after our daughter a fair bit (especially as my wife is suffering from morning sickness badly) and I feel like its all too much, but isn't this what any parent has to deal with??? I don't want to call time on our relationship (I come from a broken home and its not nice) and I desperately want to make my wife happy but like I said, either I just dont have it in me, I have some mental blockage or something but I cannot overcome this and I need to, now!
I'm sorry for what is going on. Sometimes I feel the same way about my boyfriend as she feels about you. Try just talking to her, ask her how her day was, ask if there is anything you can get/do for her. If she looks upset just automatically do something that might cheer her up, give her a kiss. Let her know/ tell her that she is beautiful. She is pregnant so she is probably having hormone imbalances. Try giving her a foot massage, carrying twins is probably putting stress on her feet from standing, I don't know how far along she is but it's just a suggestion. She is your wife, and even though you may not be a talking kind of person, open up with her. Let her know and show her that you are working on being better. If you forget important dates, put them on the calender in your phone and set it to alert you a week or a few days before that date and again on that date. Get her flowers, make her a meal she loves. If you see her doing something and she looks upset or tired, offer to do it instead. Are you romantic? Try being more romantic and be there for her. Like I said, talk to her, and listen to what she is saying about how she feels, and see what you can do to help. Don't always ask what you can do, but think of ways that you can support her emotionally. If you can't remember everything she says, after you are done talking, get a notepad and write down the key things she is talking about and what needs to be changed. You do have it in you, and if you need more help to bring it out, you could see a therapist or talk to a friend that can help you out. I really hope this helps and I hope your marriage will get much better. And congratulations on having twins!