Tired of being just roommates and not lovers anymore... help
Ok, so here it goes. I have a lot of questions that I cannot find answers to. So here's my story and maybe someone can offer some advice that will be helpful. I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over three years now. Everything was so amazing for the first year. We got engaged one day after our 1st year anneversary, i was so convinced that he was the absolute perfect person for me. Until one day when i found porn on his tv that he had ordered (i was not snooping, when i turned the tv on it was already on that particular channel) i asked him about it because he had known how i felt about porn. (i understand that this is a very contoversial topic, but in my own personal opinion, to me, it is cheating, just as bad as physical cheating. this is because of my faith, morals and the way it makes me feel) I asked him about it and he said that he had never watched porn before and was curious when he found it and that he was sorry, that I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore because he would never do it again. After that I was finding it on his phone (literally hundreds of sites) pretty often, he would always tell me that it was the guys at work that we're borrowing his phone. A while after that we moved in together for the first time and lived together for about 6 months. The entire time we lived together I only found it a few times and he would yell at me and deny that he had been looking at it. He would tell me all sorts of things like, "you're crazy" or "I'm not doing anything wrong" etc etc. he was treating me more and more badly, calling me names, yelling at me, taking his anger and stress out on me, talking to me with absolutely no respect is the best way I can put it. And before we had moved in together he had lost any and all interest in sex with me and always promised that when we moved in together it would get better. Well, after we moved in together the sex was still almost never happening. Once a month maybe, at best. (Mind you was a 21 year old guy;now 22) after so long I couldn't handle the way he was treating me and I left. It was a very hard breakup and was a very very heated agruement. A week later, we got back together, because I do love him very much. More than anyone. I found out that the night before we got back together he was at a party with his ex (he never wanted to go to parties with me and would tell me that I was childish for wanting to attend our mutual friends parties) he swore and still swears that nothing happened between them and even called his friend who was there on speaker phone to prove it to me. Well, about a month after we got back together I found thousands (no, I am not exaggerating) of porn sites and cheating sites on his phone that he thought he had been deleting. I confronted him and he said that he had tried to stop and that he had a problem with it and didn't think it was wrong at all, "it's what every guy does" he said. I do not believe this. I know plenty of guys who don't watch it in general or don't look at out of respect for their partner. I told him that it hurt me so badly and that I couldn't believe he could lie to me and betray me for so long, so many yeas. I said that it was me or porn and he'd have to choose at this point. So he chose me and the Internet was deleted off his phone. And still is. But we are living together again and ever since the Internet was deleted of his phone he has had absolutely no desire/motivation to have sex with me. I always have to practically beg for it and usually I get turned down. He's always either too tired, or too full from eating or too sick (has a headache, heartburn etc) he never initiates sex, never talks about it, doesnt look at me, even if I'm walking around the house NAKED. I'm a very sexual person and am very open to trying anything and I'm very attractive, (not trying to be conceited, it's just what I've always been told by everyone) and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if it's the fact that he can't want sex unless he can watch porn first or what. I don't know if it's me or what it could be. All I get is excuses and a different story every time I try to talk to him about this and how I feel. I am still hurt by the betrayal and am being hurt every day because of the lack of intimacy. I feel so unwanted and neglected. My self esteem has gone through the floor and into the dirt, and although he has improved on a few things he still refuses to talk to me about anything that has happened in the past that he's done that's hurt me or why he won't/can't have sex with me. He gets hard all the time, (not from me, from no reason, unless its the tv or something) and when he's hard of course I try to have sex with him, but he only pushes me away and says he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do, and I'm tired of feeling so unwanted and unappreciated and unattractive. In the beginning of our relationship we had sex all the time, four or more times a day! Every chance we had. We were very compatible in that department. I don't know what happened to our relationship or why I can't seem to get that back. I feel like I'm the only one trying. I need help on what I should do/try.
Oh My darling, I know how you feel, and I'd love to tell you that your should see beyond the physical - but I can't. I am in precisely the same situation, a little worse though because we're married! When I bring up the conversation, and I have multiple times over the past couple of years its alway "I have a problem, I'll try harder" and nothing seems to change. I'd love to be so zen that it wouldn't bother me, but it does. There are only 2 ways that a relationship like this goes, unless he makes the effort and changes, 1 - you stop asking (and you shouldn't - ever! Sex and the physicality of it cements things, brings you closer), 2 - it seeps into other parts of your life. You start questioning yourself, whether there is something wrong with you - there isn't. You are beautiful and perfect the way you are, and I know its hard, really really hard to seperate yourself from the relationship. You've got a sense of security, of comfortability, and you are scared of loosing it, also of how it would be seen that you can not make a relationship work. Don't.
Go my darling, and live! When you're time is up, its not too many of us that regret stuff we tried, most often we regret not having tried. Make the move, take a step - the only person you need to take account of, is you, and ONLY YOU.
Lots of love hon, and hang in there - you are going to rule the world!