Im going to include things about my life that may or may not be relevent,just to give a better picture of who i am...when i was 6 my mum left me, my dad and sister and had an affair,with another family member,i dont remember been to distraght at the time,but think i was just to young..anyway things quickly changed my dad very quickly got together with a women(neighbour)she had 2 daughters of her own,one of them was only a day older than me,anyway!this women quickly singled me out,i mean completly blanked me,didnt look at me,talk to me NOTHING.i liked her daughters,it was just her,i felt really isolated from her and not included,when my dad used to arrive back from work the relieve was intence and i used to be so happy(which probably made her hate me more)as the years went on,she occasionally made up stories about me to my dad,that i had broke things stole things the works,none of which i did,or would have dared to do.even though she never hit me,i was very scared and nervous around her,the complete ignoring me,petrified me,one memory always sticked out when we used to walk to school,she said i walked like a retard(a word i would never use)then immatate me and exaggerate my walk..my dad never noticed was to wrapped up in love my sister was very friendly with her,my older sister, something i still find hard to understand and still feel she dislikes me,even though ive done so much for her in the last few years and never did anything thing wrong to her in the past.when she made up these lies,she would sit me in a room till i admitted to something i hadnt done..anyway life was like this for years and years and finally they split up and i was around 12 years old,started senior school,was very naughty the clown,which made me populer,very quickly,always had boyfriends,took drugs drank from a very early age,my dad was always at the pub,he kept a roof over mine and my sisters head but i basically had free reign,to do as i pleased..anyway for the next chapter,a comment was made to me in my school years that i forgot for a long time,but i think is the catalyst to how i feel about myself, my low self esteem and the way i view myself.when i was 14 i used to go to a male friend of mine,on our dinner breaks,he had an older brother who,i didnt know or speak to,anyway one dinner he walked into the room and for no apparant reason walked up to me and said "if it wasnt for your hair,your a very plain looking girl"
i had very long curly hair)i just remember been very upset at the time,but never said anything..but i have really started to believe this comment over the years,in so many ways,after i finished school,was a totall drop out had no support what so ever,got with a guy who used to ignore me or beat me,but i loved him and still do,ive later found out years later he killed himself.i had no qualifications or supporting family and started escorting,after i had become hopeless and homeless,living in hostels,im still escorting now at 30 years old and i hate hate hate it and i always have, but the money has kept a roof over my head, but i cant see a way out,who would hire me?the pain i have gone through with peoples comments or actions eg. never been picked,been forgotton continously,ive slept with men and they havent even remembered me!!not that it should matter,but it all points to the fact im worthless and forgettable,i feel i have no identity,its really hard to put into to words how i feel about my self,its not about vanity or that i think im ugly,i just feel almost invisable..but i never ever have or would hurt another human being intentionally,which has made me regret and feel weak and bitter.im living with this shadow over my head constantly and have no one to talk to,how am i ever going to except who i am and feel happy,ive never looked at a picture of myself since my teens,if i have accidently seen one i have been depressed for weeks,i know the way i am is not normal,i binge drink and just feel like theres no ansews?
Ohhh... I can feel your pain. As I know, all our mental problems come from our early years when we were children. There was nobody for you to bring some self esteem into you like a mother or a grand mother. You must be a very beautiful young woman inside, but feel like a bit up old person because all of these complexes that eat you up from inside. My only advice is that you go and talk to someone who is competent to treat these things. God Bless you. I wish you all the best.
four years ago I was in the worst abusive marriage made worse by my ex husband's violent rage and alcohol dependency my entire family are dead all my kids gone but hey ...I figured it's not what they do to us its....how we react I don't give a shit anymore I'm just grateful to be alive n well xxx
Well, you've been mistreated a lot, so it's no wonder that you don't feel good about yourself.
But it wasn't your fault, because it was adults who mistreated you. It was their fault.
People are cruel, but we can rise above those people and try to see the good in ourselves. Can you tell us about any of the good traits you have and some of your successes?