I don't know if I'm in a relationship of love or comfort. Also, my ex is on my mind. Always.
Welp, here goes nothin'. I'm 21 years old and have know the two males in question since the beginning of high school. So, let's say six years. One is currently my boyfriend. The other is my ex. Not only ex boyfriend, but ex best-friend. The boyfriend and I dated on and off in high school, then got together again about two years ago and have been together since. The ex and I dated once in high school, and once in college. The end of our second romantic interlude was when I commenced the current relationship with boyfriend. And he is wonderful, truly. He accepts me when I am mad and need to yell, and always values my opinion and likes nerdy things like Harry Potter and video games and books like I do. But somehow, even after all this time, I can't seem to shake the ex from my mind. Our last relationship ended... badly, to say the least. He was really, truly shitty to me. Said degrading things and made me feel low. I really did not deserve the bull shit he put me through. We have not spoken since the day we broke up, but that is not due to lack of trying on his behalf. He apologized, many times, and continues to occasionally send me messages online. I never respond. My problem: I love my boyfriend. I really do. He is sweet and kind and loving and warm. I can talk to him easily and about nothing or everything for hours. But somehow, the sparks that the ex gave me... they are not there. I love my boyfriend and cannot bear to imagine life without him, but I don't know if I'm robbing myself of something more, something more passionate, more intense, more mad and real. Whether that be with the ex or with someone else. And the ex. Well, frankly he can be nasty and unkind, but he can also be the most romantic person alive. He may leave me with crushing heartache, or he may leave me in ecstasy. There's so many more things I would like to say in regards to this, but seeing as I have already far extended beyond brevity, I will conclude with this: I worry I am not in love, but comfortable. And yet so scared to be without him. Any outside opinions on this situation will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and words.
This story brought a tear to my eye, as I cannot give you any advice, but I can tell you, you are not alone. Your problem is the replica of mine, apart from the ex I dated at school and current boyfriend at college... I have never known how to put the story into words &i have never told anyone as in depth as you have here, &i have always wanted to but I have never asked for opinions as I find it hard to open up. I hope you find the advice your looking for as I know how difficult the situation is! &i too would like to know other people's opinions.
Hey girl....guess what? i was in the same shit as u r in right now....in fact worse than u.... but i have found a solution...I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 8 years....n the situation was exactly same as in he was nasty but also very romantic...i enjoyed love making with him the most...infact those were the bestest moments we spent together...but the problem was he used to be extremely bad to me at times....then after 8 years of trying we finally broke up...he got another girl n he got married to her within 6 months....i was left heart broken....after 02 years i met another guy....to whom i got married....he is exactly like ur current BF....whatever nasty things i do he would always love me...but in all these years i n my ex nf were always in touch with each other...n after he got married he realised tht how badly he needs me in his life...n to my horror (Ya thts right) i found tht his feelings r genuine...we started talking abt old days we spent together n how we used to have fun n all....somewhere I was feeling guilty towards my hubby due to all this but the passion i felt for my ex was over n above everything...though we never met each other in all these days...we badly wanted to meet n enjoy...I was in terrible dilemma...finally i sat down n listed all good n bad qualities abt both my husband n my ex n finally my husband won...it was not easy...but i have learnt one lesson in my life that is one should b with the person who loves u n not to whom u love...
I don't want to take the spotlight away from "ME0WZA" but it's on the same topic. My problem that differs to both of yours is the fact that my ex has now turned into what I wanted him to be with his current partner as in the worst troubles he caused have faded, whereas my current partner is slowly developing my ex's bad traits. See if it was my ex I think I could deal with it more but my current partner, it's harder to deal with... I think it's because I've already lived it &dont wish someone else to treat me like it...
So it seems as though I am not alone in how I feel. I've been thinking about my situation lately and its starting to give me terrible dreams. I guess it is my subconscious telling me I have to talk it out. So here goes nothing..
I was also madly in love with a man whom I was with for 5 years, very unhealthy years. He treated me very badly. But when he didn't it was like he was the perfect man. Romantic, inquisitive raw and passionate. And honestly I have never felt that "high" ever with anyone else. I am now with my current bf for a year now, I've known him since high school days, so being with him was natural easy and fun. He's an amazing guy the complete opposite of my ex. Before I got with my current bf, I was single for a couple of years to work on myself. When we reconnected that was the starting of something very special. I care for him a lot and I know he does for me. I see myself with him in the future and I'm content.
But this is where I feel guilty. I don't know if I am just comfortable with him and content.. Because as crazy as it sounds I'm afraid I will never feel this "high" with my bf. He's not overly Romantic. In fact I'm his first serious gf. Am I being selfish for wanting passion and being secureness.. Or does one have to sacrifice one to have another... I've talked to him about more passion and excitement but he says he is who he is. And that's fine. But I feel as if I'm missing out.
Sexually its good. But not passionate and raw... Are the girls of abuse past unable to find a good medium.. Maybe because we were treated so badly that the good times were extra high. And a good healthy normal relationship is just blah.
Anyways, just to say friends. I get you.