Head or heart?
I have juSt recently started dating a man I met from a dating site. I met him the week of New Years.He is 33 years old and when he initially met me he told me that he was in a ten year relationship. After a few days of dating he confessed that he was married for ten years and divorced her three years ago because of her cheating. I was understanding of that and the fact that his wife had two abortions (which he said he wasn't okay with). Mind you, I am pro life.
The first day we met we got a little too intimate and it put me in a strange emotional state. I haven't been with a man for 3 years because the last guy I was with deeply hurt me. I haven't been intimate with a man in 3 years till I met this new guy.
So, we were getting along (aside from me feeling and reacting to the fact that he was moving to fast) One week two of us knowing each other, He went Dutch with me on a trip to Disney for my birthday. Since I felt like our intimacy was speeding up, and I wasn't completely ready for it, we agreed to go on vacation as friends (no intimacy).
we went to Florida. I had a couple of mood swings on the trip, considering my trust issues. Since his divorce he had developed friends with benefits relationships with a bunch of girls he "doesn't care about."During the trip he lied to me about contacting his flings on his phone to complain about my moodiness. He told me that he never was in live with his wife and the only woman he was ever on love with was his ex Jen ( who he broke up with because she cheated on him and introduced him into a very sexual lifestyle). Anthony said that his feelings for me were greater than those he had for Jen. I was so happy he was opening up with me and reasoned in my mind that I wanted to be more intimate because I felt like he really cared. So, I ended up having sex with him in Florida .... It wasn't something I was anticipating, but I felt his sincere feelings and a strong connection. I felt like he was safe. Before we did the deed, we had an argument. I saw he had contacted Jen and texted her about me being "crazy" when I went through one of my mood swings. The day we got back on the trip we felt really close, having had an argument, been intimate, and talked a ton.
The next day he texted me that he was disappointed that I was still on the dating site. I told him I would get off the site when I got home work. In the back of my mind I didn't want to just yet.
I ended up going to his house, and seeing his phone unattended ... Looked in it. I wanted to be sure that I could trust him.Low and behold, there was a vulgar message in his fb inbox from a past time lover. She had sent him a dirty sexual message... He responded that he liked what she was saying and that it turned him on. After seeing this, I called him out on it and told him never to talk to me again.
It has since been two weeks since the incident. He has sent me apologies every day, extremely long emails expressing reasons why he entertained the email, And contacted a number of his ex-girlfriends and my friends expressing concern for the situation. He even told the girl who messaged him the perversions, that he may Have lost one of the only woman he ever loved because of it. He also left me some messages of him sobbing expressing pain and confusion about why he entertained the email in the first place.
He showed up at a mutual friend performance, and made a point to come to me and express his apologies for his behavior. Again, he said the messages didn't mean anything… But I made him list the reasons why he engaged in that behavior anyway. He said that it was early in our relationship (week two of knowing eachother, but a day after we made love) and he wasn't sure if I was committed to him, he wanted to make the girl feel better about herself because she was having relationship issues and felt undesirable, and he never thought that it would threaten his relationship with me because he never thought that I would see. Although I thought his responses were very honest, it was very hard to shake.
I know we moved too fast, and the relationship was young. Right now I am torn between what my head says (which is to move on and forget him) and my heart says… Which really does believe he has strong feelings for me and wants to see where it can go. Help.
I think your last paragraph sums up the problems you've had, i.e. things have moved too fast, for both of you.
Personally, I think the best decisions come when someone listens to their head and their heart.
Why not suspend any major decisions until you have got to know this man better?
He definitely seems to be interested in you. From reading your post, the issue seems to be about his commitment to an exclusive relationship and how far you can trust him?
It sounds to me as if some straight talking about what kind of relationship you are both willing to commit to would be a good idea - e.g. what are you both looking and hoping for?
A relationship without trust is a recipe for suspicion and anxiety, so if you don't feel you will ever be able to trust him, then it would be best to move on.
If you feel things got off to bad start, and that you could go along with a fresh start based on some clearer understanding of what both parties are looking for, then why not give him another go?
But keep listening to your head and your heart, because when decisions sound right in your head, and feel right too, I think that is the best form of guidance there is.
At the moment you're not sure about this guy, but getting to know him better might help you to make a more informed decision.
Wow, I love the way you've explained it. Thank you so much for the clarity!