She wants me but also she doen't, what do i do?
I've been with my girlfriend for nearly two years now, nine months ago she went to university which has took its toll on us, she came home every weekend and i went there when she was too busy. Together we are amazing, apart and i am jealous and she doesn't seem to care as much for me, and us, which is a result of my jealousy i think. Last week and it being her final week of the year at uni she cheated on me. She told me the next morning, and she was devasted at what she did, i took the day off work and got her back home before she topped herself. I sat her down, asked questions and didn't shout once, i told her we all make mistakes and we will give it ago as she will be back for the summer the next week. Previously to this i have been diagnosed with anxiety and stress mainly i think due to the jealousy i have and fear of anything happening to her. i stopped drinking as i would snap sometimes because i was on edge, and some times i would call her names and let out all my feelings in one go. All of which i am sorting out now.
Then when she came back on tuesday night she says she can't forgive herself for what she has done and wants to split up, saying its the hardest decision she has ever made, she says she still loves me and i love her, but she doesn't think shes happy, and needs to get her head sorted out. It devasted me. Because i love her. I sat her down last night and said i can't not be a part of your life, if you find happiness without me then so be it, as i want the best for her, so we will be friends, as we are bestfrinds aswell as lovers. She liked this, then i suggested that because neither of us want to do the dating thing, and are comfortable with each other we should still have sex now and again, she agreed and we proceeded to have the best sex ever, then she went out with her mates, me with mine and because our mates know each other we ended up at the same table later on and then he had even better sex all night long, so passionate.
There were times when we would look in each others eyes for minute or so, not say anything and then jump back on top of each other. But still she says that she doesn't want the relationship and hopes she isn't leading me on. I know her like the back of my hand and know she loves me and i love her, I find it hard not to express myself because if i do it might ruin what we have left. I've suggested we go for a picnic on saturday in a nice secluded spot and she said that sounds great. Weve nicked named it Best Friend Sex but how can we only be best friends when the passion is so intense? She thinks she doesn't want it, because i make her unhappy, but really its not me its other things from her past, all we do together is laugh and have fun. I fear if i let it carryon like this we will drift apart for good or when she does realise her true feelings it will be too late to sort out us for when she goes back to uni and next year will be a nightmare again.
She always warned me of something like this happening as a natural defence mechanism and told me never to let her do it. I've tried so hard and this is the best result i could get. what does one do?
Any comments and suggestions would be welcomed!
It sounds to me that she is going through a confusing time that doesn't neccessarily have anything to do with you. I think she does feel very close to you, but she is confused on what she wants right now. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but you have to let her figure that out on her own time. All you can do is let her know how you feel and be there for her and let her decide for herself. Maybe still sleeping with her is not the best thing for you right now because it is adding to her confusion and hurting you at the same time. Maybe once you let her be on her own for awhile, she will realize how good you are to her. Sometimes it takes losing something to realize how much you miss it. It seems to me that she might be unsure about committing, which would explain why she cheated and then felt terrible about it. I was in a relationship for 2 years once where I felt like I started becoming attracted to other guys and it made me feel trapped in my relationship and unsure if it was really what I wanted. After this came out, we decided to take a break and I realized that I didn't want to be alone and that there aren't very many guys out there who really do see you for who you are and respect you like they should.