Money issues driving a wedge
I have been living with my b'f for over a year now. Before we moved in together we agreed that any money that came into the home would belong to both of us.
Recently he received some compensation of £3500 and declared it his money and put it into his own account. He has now bought himself a computer and earmarked the rest of the money for his own purposes. He says he doesn't remember saying that any money coming in would be for us both but only wages!!!!! I, on the other hand, remember it very clearly as I have had problems with these issues in the past with other partners.
I feel angry that he has made arbitrary decisions about this money as if he is still an individual, single man. I would not have begrudged him buying a new computer or anything like that, but it's the way he went about it. He never sat down with me and discussed what we were going to do with the money. I am feeling betrayed about this. It is not about the money - more about the principal of the matter and what it means for the future - I thought we were a partnership and shared everything.
In the meantime - I myself have received a substantial amount of money from the death of my husband 5 years ago. I knew I was going to get it before me and my b;friend got together and we have always discussed what we will do with this money when it comes. There are obvious double standards here and I don't know what to do.
We are supposed to be getting married next August but I feel so upset and betrayed over how he's dealt with this matter that I don't know if I can trust him. He has put quite a lot of "his" money into a savings account that only he has the access to!
I would be grateful for advice.
Am I blowing this out of all proportion, what should I do? I'm so hurt over his attitude and his self-serving behaviour.
I really need help to get to grips with this. At the moment I am just staying quiet - we have had a few arguments over it but he just doesn't get how hurt I am over what he's done.
Thanks you in advance for your support and help in this.
I had this exact same discussion with my girlfriend before we got married, and we did keep our money separate, and we only shared money in the sense that we put the same amount of cash into a joint savings account each month. Whatever was left of our salary after paying all the bills for the house was ours to use however we pleased. If we were buying stuff (substantial spends), then we would tell each other about them in advance (as planned purchases), or at least when the other person was present.
Before we got married, then the topic of sharing all money was discussed, and we now put more money into a joint current account and savings account. Therefore all the bill payments come out of the current account instead of having to mess around with all different accounts each month. We still have our own money left over in our own accounts, but neither of us are big spenders, hitting the high street and blowing hundreds on clothes in one go or anything like that.
It clearly would be nice if both partners shared everything, but at the same time, you'd end up having to come to some arrangement on how any joint savings can be earmarked to spend yourself, otherwise you could find each person spending more than their fair share, and feeling discruntled.
Other people have said that money is the major reason for most divorces... so try and get an understanding in place (even if it only takes effect once you have tied the knot next August).
Hope all goes well. Come back for more chat if you need to...