Ok so I have never done this before so hopefully someone may help me to see what I need to ! I have had a few failed relationships, mainly leading from debt, verbal/physical abuse or cheating. I don't know if I'm seen as a easy target or that I just attract the wrong sort of guy ! Generally I'm a confident, easy going person and my friends see me as the 'mum' of the group. They know they can always count on me. I've been told I pick men that need fixing or a confident boost, I'm not sure that is the case, but make your own observations. My current relationship has turned my life upside down more than any other. Prob all my own doing ! We met nearly 6 yrs ago, chance meeting, out with the girls, getting over another guy that I had broken up with and met this guy. Didn't think anything of it, but the night ended back at mine (not my usual thing) and thought would never see him again. Well he had my number & we went out on a few dates, after which I suppose we became an item as he never seemed to leave my place. It was nice to have someone who wanted me & didn't seem to come with any baggage ! Well we dated for about 5 months & decided that we knew each others habits & thought about moving in together. (Both of us had lived with other partners before, so no surprises ) some how the conversation lead to kids marriage etc Lets just say a month later we got married with close friends & family. You could say it was fast, but it felt right & I had never wanted to do t with anyone else. Everything was perfect, we had a honeymoon, got a flat together, did furniture shopping etc. Everything seemed fine. I lost my job and tried to get another one, but it seemed that the universe was going to go against me. We started having arguments about 3 months after the wedding, you could say that was normal, getting to know each others boundaries, but as in previous relationships I would argue back, I decided to take a step back & not rise to it and try to sort it out in an adult way, it didn't work. It was about money, his going out & getting drunk every weekend with his mates, spending time together. It was patched up, then a few months later he closed down our joint accounts & said that he wanted to keep things separate so I accepted that, I still wasn't working so it made sense for him to oversee the bills. We decided to move a few months after and made a new start, in a new place, ever hopeful our problems would sort out in time. We got a dog, celebrated our one yr anniversary, all was good. 6 months later I was on the end of his fist and being accused of cheating. I chose to leave, with the dog. I moved back nr my parents, but just couldn't understand why he had done this to me. He begged for another chance so we went to counselling, he seemed to have the anger in check, but when think about it he never actually admitted to doing anything. A month after moving back he left me to go see family for a weekend, he didn't return for 2 weeks & left me with no money for food. I left again & honestly thought this was for good, got a flat, a job etc saw my friends & family and was getting on with my life even though it was hard, I missed him, it hurt so much that another human being could intentionally treat someone like that. I had changed my number, but still had letters via my parents from him, threats to find me, to destroy my stuff, accusing me of running off, even though both times I had left a letter explaining why I had. As you can imagine it took its toll & I had what can be only described as a melt down, at which he came & took me back. I would never hurt myself, I was just so broken inside. As you can imagine my family would not talk to me after I went back the second time. Everything was good between us, I saw my family without him, we then moved back nearer my family and managed to get a job. It was only part time, but he didn't like it, he wanted me to be at home, answer my phone all the time and give him my wages, of which I refused to do. It was a dark time and it was no excuse but I did some things which I am not proud of, but I needed to feel loved at that time. I left him with the courage from my friends & moved in with them. The dog was given away to a friend. As I wasn't far he found me & wanted to make it work, I said that I couldn't, he wanted to start again a fresh, we saw each other for about 3 months, a which time his grandfather & dad both died within a month of each other. We decided not to rush things and continued not to live together for the next 6 months. I know what you all going to say glutton for punishment. But I loved him, I was also scared I would never find anyone else being mid 30's. i moved back in & started discussing our future, children, mortgage etc. I then found out that this may not be possible & thought that he maybe supportive. As you can guess he wasn't his words if we can't have then natural then not at all ! So I threw myself into work and decided to concentrate on that. He then said he wasn't happy, that he never wanted kids & that I could leave. I couldn't go anywhere as I had no savings, my work just about covered my bills etc. I told my friends & family and said it was up to me to sort out ! So the past few months I have been stuck in the same house, I don't have enough money to leave, but can't stay either. He's acting like there is nothing wrong and that I will continue to stay put. I don't want to get on the wrong side of him, so I'm acting like all ok, I'm saying to my family friends we are over but until I save money I can't leave, I'm stuck in a catch 22. Do I leave for my own sanity and try to start again on my own and hope my family and friends will support me. Or try to make my marriage work, do more counselling and hope that in time kids come along. Any advice a this point would be helpful. I have seen counsellors etc in the past, they listen but that's it.
It takes a lot of courage for someone willing to take a step back and try not to argue. As well it takes a lot of courage for someone to take the initiative in moving on. Most importantly it takes a lot of courage for someone to try and work things out when it has failed multiple times. If I was in your shoes, I would say it's time to move on. Take that courage you always had and still have and start brand new. Judging by what you mentioned it's been a roller coaster. I hope your friends and family will find a way to understand and assist you. Now I am only giving my opinion after read the detail you disclosed.
Thank you for your response, it's so hard to keep it brief, I could have filled another page of all the things that I have gone on. I just feel like a failure this time, when things have gone wrong in the past whether it be relationships, work etc. I have picked myself up and carried on. I just feel that I never follow anything through, that my family think I jump from one disaster to another. I don't mean to make mistakes and should learn from them, but as you can guess no one wants to be alone. I just thought by now I would be married, kids, mortgage, good job etc I've always been positive, an Optimist, now i just feel scared & alone.
Hey we all make mistakes, and you even mentioned that we learn from those falls. In life we struggle for the better and we countless mistakes just we can learn from them. It doesn't matter how smart or brilliant we are, we will fall. Have you ever heard the emperor moth story? It's a bit long, I'll sum it up for you. A man once found a cocoon of an emperor moth. On the day he discovered it a small opening appeared on the cocoon as well. So he sat for some time trying to witness the moth break through that hole and spread its wings. He say for a long time and witness the moth struggle. At a certain point ot seem as though the moth just have up because it couldn't breakthrough the opening. Out of sympathy he took a pair of scissors and have that opening a little cut just so the moth has an easier time breaking through. The moth broke through but it's body was swollen and small with wrinkled wings, weaken. The wing was suppose to expand where it can support the body and fly. None of that happened, but the moth continue its life crawling. You would think that the man's kindness only aid the moth, unfortunately it didn't. You see in order for the moth to expand it's wings, the moth needed to push the fluid from it's body into the wings in the cocoon. It was suppose to be a struggle, but only for the better. But since the man aided the moth, thought he was helping actually made matters worst. It was only kind and thoughtful for the man to help, but unfortunately. The moth's freedom will come after the struggle. But since the moth was deprived from the struggle, never really learn how to fly, needless to say could fly. Give every opportunity a chance which you have only gives you the opportunity to grow. So do not look at your mistakes as ongoing disasters where you feel that others are disappointed of you. Look at it as a lesson. Since you've struggled, you should be able to fly. Unlike the moth that could have flown, but couldn't due to the lack of struggles. I know it's tough being alone. I've been alone for the past two years after my ex left me. I'm still alone at the same time still standing. And I bet you can too.
Sorry for the typos on my reply. I re-read and noticed them. Perhaps I should use my laptop and not my phone when responding. Don't be a stranger. It's okay to be lost sometime, just make sure you can find your way back. Take care.