I have been seeing a married man for the past three years. I cannot lie i did know he was married when it started and gave him my number and he made it clear he was interested. it has been mainly sexual although he has taken me for meals, and i have always mainly seen him when he is at work and free to come round to see me. He has told me there were others before me, and seemed to indicate problems at home although he seems uncomfortable to tell me about them. He does not like his job and tells me he gets depressed although again never says really whats wrong. Lately he is all over me and then suddenly he will be at mine and suddenly say it does not "feel" right. Or say he does not feel good or wants to just go home. He has been like this once before and then he will not contact me for weeks and if i text he will say hes in a bad place , depressed, hes sorry for using me, feels guiltyect. He always comes back eventually. I have always told him i love him and asked whats wrong. I say have you got problems at home and he snaps"why do you keep asking about my home life"?. Why do you think this is?. I think its because i have touched on the problem and he does not like it. He says his family all keep out of each others way and do not go on holiday, but i know he did go last year. He also says weird things like he has a big breed of dog, but i know he only has a little terrier type. I think its strange. I want to know why he has these funny episodes when he goes off. hes not the arrogant type, hes quite quiet and a bit of a loner so i cannot imagine it would be because of other women. He seems a bit scared of me sometimes as i tell him not to use me or treat me badly. Hes never violent and acts in a loveing nature , hugging me tight when he comes in the door. Its almost like he really does need someone but is scared of showing it. Also he tells me when hes at home he just sits indoors or goes in his garage, seems to be hes mostly alone although his children are late and early teenagers so must be about. I get worried as lately he says he just wants to hide away or run away when he gets depressed and when i texted him the other day he said hes hit Rock Bottom but just will not tell me whats wrong. I have tried and tried so hard to get him to talk about things but to no avail. Can you tell me why hes acting like this. Please dont say im silly or judge as i have had all that. I cannot help who i fall in love with. Its always me who is contacting him mostly, although hes mostly at work. Can i get some advice?. Thank you.
Well to be honest im not really sure how to help. He obviously is very touchy and defensive about this home life. Maybe you shouldn\'t pry. I know you love this guy but do you really want to be with someone who can\'t talk to you? Whatever the case may be at home you should comfort him. Take his pain away. Its not the most ideal situation to be in. Have you encouraged him to go and talk to someone? Therapist or something? Much love your way.. Xx
Firstly thank you for answering. Some people are really nasty when i say im seeing a married man so its nice to have someone answer me civily. I suppose i just think that i have known him for about four years , long enough for him to trust me and know he can say whatever he wants to me and i wont judge. I have said this , and encouraged him to go to counselling which i have had myself. Sometimes people would rather talk to a stranger. But i know also some people do not want to talk and have kept things hidden from even their families. He has given indications of "something that happened in the past". What i have no idea and its just so frustrating. I know when you are depressed you do not always have to have a specific reason?, do you agree?. Maybe i just feel hurt that he will not talk to me and im being selfish. Maybe your right and i should just comfort him. Im not a very patient person but i have told him its bad to bottle things up and he will just keep going round in a circle until he sorts his life out. I also cant understand the silly lies like telling me hes got a German Shepherd dog when i know hes only got a little terrier type dog. Maybe hes just trying to be manly?. Hes not a nasty type of man at all , and does not lie all the time or anything, quite quiet really. He tells me one minuite he wants to take me out and treat me like a lady and next minuite saying he feels guilty and not seeing me just seeming to avoid me. I have acted sometimes the same with people and he told me the other week he thinks we are quite similar. Maybe he feels some comfort with me. Sometimes i push peoples affection away and i do not know why so maybe i should not judge actually?.
Cake & eat it!! Him - not you! There are plenty of single guys out there so I suggest you try to meet someone like that. Not only will you know 'he' is interested in YOU, you will also feel better about yourself
If your married man is depressed perhaps this is the tip of the iceberg....he could have other issues linked to that such as a personality disorder or is bipoar or is just a player
Thanks daisy. Hes definately not a player. He never has time to see me let alone anyone else and gets too stressed out with things to be a player. I know he has done this before but not with more than one woman at a time and then not that many at all. Theres almost a feeling of some dark secret or something traumatic happening in his past that he cannot talk about. Hes quite a scaredy cat sort of man really but seems to make up little fibs to try and make out hes not. Not in any malicious way. Hes a real loner sort.
Dating a married man is tricky. They want/need to be with you, but on the other hand have deep seeded guilt because they know an affair is not fair to the wife at home or to the girlfriend. If he already has battles with depression, this guilt can be overwhelming. I am certain this is why he is avoiding seeing you or being somewhat vague and short with his answers to your questions about what is wrong. Rest assured, these are his problems and as much as you love him there is little you can do to help resolve them. That is the most heartbreaking thing about being the "other woman"-you have so few things you can do. Try to be as loving and supportive as you can (you sound like a very loving person) and as difficult as it is, just realize it is not anything to do with you.
Reddirtgirl. Thank you for your kind words ((( ))). Im near point of giving up but i do love him. Yes as soon as i mention anything ,even in a text or a joke he will shut up right away so i know i have hit on the source of his problems. he actually said to me the other day it was nothing to do with me ( at least). Work is stressing him big style too as he hates his job. Add that to everything else i suppose he feels terrible. I am loving , too loving Reddirtgirl. better that than be a nasty person i suppose. Thank you.
If anyone else has advice please reply, i need help about this. Thank you.
Hi i'd be really careful if i were you. it may be pointing out the profoundly obvious but the guy is married, has commitments, family ?, home etc. I know from experience it's a really bad idea to get involved with someone married, eventually the multitude of excuses will grind you down and you may start blaming yourself until there is nothing left of you. Easier said than done but you need to stop this relationship as he clearly doesn't want to commit to it. He may be really unhappy with his marriage hence why he is seeing you. However it doesn't mean if you get together he won't come with a pile of baggage. You haven't had time to get to know each other at all in normal every day situations. Count up how many times you have seen each other in the 3-4 years, a month ? two months ? I'd run for the hills before this damages you.
The man's caught between a rock and a hard place. His guilt is practically 'killing' him. It's all ok to love a married man who's in charge of their life and knows how to deal with the process of emotions and upheaval from a marriage gone bad. But, in your case, it's impossible to stay sane and be with someone who can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
You need to encourage him to seek counseling for his issues. If you remain on the outside looking in, then you need to be able to wait for him to solve his problems with his obviously ruined marriage. You need to be reassured that he will be yours after it's all settled. If you can't see this happening then you need to save yourself and move on.
Yes, he needs you..but you need to realise that he's no good to you when he's going through a process,(regardless of his depression) which may take a long time to resolve. He needs to be completely free before he can be completely happy with you.
You also need to realise that with affairs outside of marriage, it's always the third person(you)who gets hurt the most...whether you end up being with him or not.
You need to ask yourself if there's love, trust, respect and communication as well as intimacy, all flowing both ways, in your relationship with him. Once you truthfully answer this then you will have a clearer picture of your circumstances.
Flower, you come across as a caring, loving person but for you to be completely happy, you need to be with someone who can unequivocally love you back in the way you deserve.
So i reviewed your post. I understand that you do not want an opinion on the relationship so here goes.
First, one of the individuals who responded saying his odd behavior may relate to bipolor or depression is valid and is conclusive to a form of mental health. He comes across as an introvert and being an introverted individual comes with issues in itself. Examples are, the need to compensate for a feeling of lacking in certain areas.I would not be surprised if his wife already knows about this fact of him cheating on her. His defensive nature on the subject suggests that. You also said he seems a bit scared of you. You hit right on the mark. You are the object of his guilt. (not saying its yours or his fault thats just how it is.) You also said that you have told him not to use you. What do you think this relationship is then?
I do not know why it wont let me type alil more but anyway. It is evident to me that this relationship is simply a physical one. Evident because if he's still married after three years and has not divorced he is still getting something from his wife. If this is the case then perhaps distancing emotions would be the best option for you to continue on with this relationship.