So lost don't know what to do
I have been told by 3 different people now that my husband who left me & our two children is not coming back. Everyone says it's time to let go, move on. It is so much easier said then done, i have started having our children wait outside for him so i don't have to talk to him. I watched them from the window where i know he cant see me. i am just so heart broken. it has almost been 2 months since he walked out, the same morning he confessed to having an affair he said in the same breath we were done. we have been together for 15 years married for 10. he tried to continue a relationship with the woman he had the affair with but she is working things out with her husband. this makes no sense to me because she is still in contact with my husband. she said he husbands knows all about them still talking & has no issue with it, i find this hard to believe, i would think no partner would be ok with their partner still having contact with the person they had an affair with, especially if he is out of state for work 5 nights a week. i just don;t know what to do, i didn't have a choice is our relationship ending, he made this huge life changing decision all on hes own, it affects mine & the kids lives but what we want doesn't matter. the issue he raised for he's reason for leaving were things that could be fixed, but he never spoke to me about any of them. he has said he has left before he woke up one day & feels he was unhappy & should of left years ago, but at the same time has said he doesn't know if he's made the right choice or not, he doesn't know if he will wake up one day & think he made the biggest mistake of he's life leaving me & the kids. these two thoughts counter act each other. he just seems so confused still but wont talk to me or anyone, well except the woman he had the affair with. i have cried so much over this, have lost so much weight & just am a shell of who i was. i know i need to let go for my own sake but i know once i do this i will end up hating him. i don't want to do that. and more then anything i don't want to be alone. can someone please help me... how do i make him see sense, how do i get him to at least talk to me. people keep telling me i'm strong i will get through this, but i don't feel strong i am holding on by a thread & that thread is breaking.
My name is Jessica, I am Italian...
I do understand your problem completely!
I was in a similar situation with my past partner. We spend so many years together and then he abandon me...And he was still in doubt about doing the right choice.
I was incredibly sad and my life was going no where. I could not see any solution. Friends advice to move on or the support of my family was not enough to handle my confusion!
The true is inside your self and you are the only one can find out about the real solution to your problems. However keep thinking about your loss, or the reasons why it happened could only bring you down.
I know for experience.
There is something else you can do, like I did! You can read and learn how to get rid of this pain and confusion is in your mind all the time in order to have a new start, on your own or with him, for the good of your self and your kids!
There is always a solution and hope! The love was there is not gone, it just need do be rediscovered!
Ask me how directly at my email [e-mail address removed]
I wish you were next door and I could give you a big hug and we could talk this over on the front porch. I've been where you are and it is a scary and horrible place. You have every right to be heartbroken and lost - indeed all of these life changing decisions were made without your consent. I know this gets said a lot and sometimes people are too quick to suggest it, but counseling can do wonders when you are faced with major life changes. This is particularly important because you have children involved. They need to feel confident and secure during this time and that is impossible for you to do without some help for yourself.
This whole business with the affair is not the issue and I think you already have that figured out. I agree with you that this woman's husband has zero chance of being okay with the fact she still has contact with your husband. Although it can be hurtful to admit, there was some reason your husband turned away from his family and that it what HE needs to work on. I the meantime you have to find a way to be okay with the new life you have. Yes it is hard and yes you just want to give up, but somewhere deep inside there is something that makes you want to move forward and become unstuck or you wouldn't have posted in this forum.
Don't worry about what anyone will think or let them dictate when you should move on. That is something only you can know. Time is a great healer and if your husband is willing to put in the work required, your marriage can survive this. Keep focused on the big picture and don't get caught up in the details.
Best of Luck!
I wanted to tell you that I am currently going through the exact same thing, minus the affair. My husband left almost 9 weeks ago. He just got up and decided that he didn't want to be married anymore. The reasons for leaving were all fixable, yet he told me that our marriage was over and it was too late to repair it.
We went through some very difficult weeks of not speaking at all. We share a 2 1/2 year old daughter and have been together for 4 years. He wouldn't come visit, call, or anything. I sought legal advice and retained counsel, bracing myself for a divorce.
In the meantime, I spoke to my family and friends. My true friends told me to hang in there and be patient...he's just going through something and needs time to work through his issues. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and quit being sick over the separation. I've lost 25 lbs., and done nothing but feel heartbroken. It was doing no one any good. I've been in individual therapy as well as seeing a marriage therapist (by myself) for 7 weeks. The intent was for me to help myself and heal myself so I could move forward and be a good and effective parent for my child.
Well, the past two weeks, my husband has made a drastic turnaround. Seeing the changes in me, he has become more willing to seek help and work on his own issues. I'm not saying that your husband will do the same, but the fact that he was unfaithful already signifies that he is struggling with some inner issues.
Don't listen to anyone who is telling you something negative. My family and HIS family said some very negative things to me over the past weeks. I elected to ignore it. My TRUE friends have offered their support, and prayers....NOT their unsolicited advice. They have been careful not to say negative and hurtful things; rather, they have tried to point out the positives.
Look for what can possibly be salvaged. Perhaps your marriage just needs a break and you both need some outside help from a professional who can get you both back on track. I am a firm believer that it is NEVER too late if there is still love left in that marriage.
I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.