Am I wrong? Or is he?
My husband and I have been married for 3 years tomorrow. When we first moved on together (4 years ago) I ran into an old flame. I touched him romantically, and he kissed me. I didn't tell my fiancé. Me and my old flame continued to talk. As well as I was talking to another old flame that was a really good friend. We met another time and a kiss goodbye happened. I quit talking to him, and to my old flam and re- committed to my fiancé. All through this my fiancé was mean. Constantly downing me in front of his friends. Always complaining about me touching him or being near. (Unless we were having sex). I decided I just wasn't trying hard enough. He continues to tray me that way, even though now I wasn't doing anything wrong. And to my knowledge he had no idea of what i had done. Another man started paying attention to me. I allowed him to, but stopped him any time he crossed the line. We never talked outside my job. And never met outside of my job. Then my fiancé and I wed. He confronted me that he knew about everything. I however didn't remember all he knew about. I have an un convenient ability to block things from my memory if they need to be. Since then he has always accused me of cheating. He demanded to go to my work and "let the men there that I was married now" I got fired because of it. I tried to work at a home health but eventually couldn't get a job because of the complications with placement due to my husband. Now I babysit at home. His constant accusal caused me to become too close to a woman, but I never cheated. Then about a year ago I had feelings for his best friend. But didn't act on them. He pushed me one night while I was drunk to ask his best friend to sleep with me. He didn't. And I was relieved. Since then there had been no one else. However since then he has stated that I shouldn't be masturbating without letting him know first. I have to let him know before I do it. And answer any questions he has. I couldn't do it. I masturbated and didn't let him know. Finally I admitted I had. That I just wouldn't masturbate at all because I couldn't so what he asked. I did it and his it again. I finally came clean and told him. I told him I would let him know when I had from then on. This morning I masturbated and told him when he got home. He is mad because I didn't call him first or at least right after I did it. And now says I was thinking about someone else. I am so lost. Did I do wrong? Or is he being ridiculous?
Just tell him when you do so it eases his mind that's al he wants and if your too embarrassed to tell him then don't. Also you need to seduce him and tell him you really do care about you, that's the only time they will really believe it. And tell him you will never cheat on him
I do have a problem with an old flame also, I now live in the midwest but am from the east coast. I have lived here for 30 years with my husband. I don't have much contact with people from the east coast. About five weeks ago my mother suprised me with a phone call saying someone was at her house wanting to talk to me. It was my old boyfriend from befor I knew my husband. He said that he was going to be in my city that weekend and he would like to see me. So we made plans for him to pick me up. I was nervous about meeting with him because I remembered why we broke up. I had him put my mother back on and asked her if she thought it was alright, she said he was married and wouldn't risk his family.
I knew my husband would want to tag along so I told him an old roomate of mine from college was going to be in town that weekend and we were going downtown to shop, my husband hates to do this so he said ok. I sliped out of the house befor my husband woke up. We went and had alot of fun talking and catching up. at the end of the day he invited me up to his room in the hyat regency for a nightcap. One thing lead to another and I did not arrive home until the next morning. When my husband found out who it was he was furious. He said that since the MRSA abcess in his spine had taken the feeling below his waist he knew I missed the sex, but why did I have to have a one night stand with that jerk. He then said it would not be long befor I could be with whomever I wanted to be with.
I found that conversation to be cryptic at best. Since that weekend my husband has been in a stress center for anger and depression and the day after he got out he went to his doctor and came home looking like he wanted to cry. He then said that the cat was out of the bag and he did not have any objection to me spending the occasional night with another man.
I accepted a date with a friend of his that had flirted with me on numerouse occasions the last time was when we had people over to use our grill and pourch. He worked in the same office building as my husbands doctor. My husband said to go ahead because I was going to need all the very good friends I could get.
His friend said that there was somthing going on with my husband as I laid in the crook of his arm that morning. I asked what he was talking about. He told me that he came out of the doctors office looking white and scared.
I had him take me home where I found my husband getting all his insurance VA and SSI paper work in order. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing.
He had forgoten that he had granted permission to his mother to find out about his condition and when i called her I found out my name was also on the Hippa form. I called his doctor and she asked why my husband had not discussed the problems that were going to come up in the next three years. I said I did not know what she was talking about. She asked that me and his parents come into her office.
His doctor said she did not know why my husband closed off to us but he was going to need all the suport we could give over the next three years. The MRSA that has devistated our lives already is going to much more. There is evidence that the MRSA is destroying the Liver, Kidneys, heart, in my husband. His doctor said that she wants him in clinical studys for MRSA antibiotics in hopes that would extend his life indefinatly, but he has refused saying that his life was not worth any more expenditure of resources.
I feel like the worst person on this planet because I now know my husband really dosn't want to stay alive. He feels that it would be a better world wiithout him.
I don't know how to even broach the subject to him. Was I in the wrong to want somthing that my husband could no longer give? Or was I a rat that should look out for my husband?
No. Don't bring yourself down about this. You did what you wanted to do & that can't be changed now. But what you can do is be there for him now, 100%. Let him know you are not leaving his side. He needs support right now, no one should have to spend the last years of their life miserable.
I don't think you should down yourself however cheating is not ever ok. I think you should have talked to him about your feelings needing someone else before you slept with someone else. I definitely wouldn't go out with or sleep with anyone else. I would reignite my love for him and make the rest of his life the best it could be.
Its now a year later from my post last year and things have not been calm or peaceful, I did not give the whole truth the last time, the last time. I made the statement that my husband was willing to let things go where they lead with my exrtra marital life, This was not the case. He is able to function as a man, He did have MRSA in his spine. I did lie to him about my old flame, He is very ill still. Over four years however he has strugled back to walking with a cane.
When he discovered me and my old flam he trapped us in the drive after I came home, He agreed to talk about things but my old BF, Thought it would be fun to humiliate my husband, After everything was said and done my BF ended up with a fractured scull and my husband in a stress center for anger management.
The real problem started in 1985 when my husband discharged from the Military, Rh came home to a father and community that looked at him as an intruder, me as to pretty for my husband and to much from society elite since my father was a Lawyer, He died in 1981 before I was married.
Fourteen months before my husbands discharge I was diagnosed as a sever Bi polar. He did not know until he was handed a Gaurdianship a week after coming home by a process server.
My husband had worked for a major automotive company run out of Detroit and was under UAW contract when he went on Military leave, He left with three years seniority. He came back with eight years. This gave him seniority rights over 60% of the work force of 7000. Meant he could take shifts by bump, vacation slots, refuse or work the holidays and over time he wanted. I did not believe my husband when he explained it because even union official that were friend of his fathers told me that was not the way it worked, they decided who had what rights.
Within two days of my husbands return he was bumping a single mother off first with a year because my husband never liked 2nd shift.
I ended up the first day being told by his father if I could not control my husband him and his friends could make sure my husband was in an institution where he could be controlled, namely the prison system. I was told that things would become stable after one or two years, just let the community get used to his return, keep him from taking what he considered his rights by seniority. There was only one thing that I could do this with and that was promising if he could compromise then we would continue as a real husband and wife. He kept quiet the next two years. He did everything everyone wanted took the holidays and all weekends as well as daily overtime and stayed on second, at ten years he started to try and force lesser seniority to start taking the holidays weekends, overtime and every time he tried to bump someone would run to his father and me about why he had to stay put, whose kids he would deprive parental time with, how somebody needed summer vacations because of school. Even the winter ones someone always had a place they had reservations for a year or what seemed to be the greater need. I kept extending the promise out to some unknown future date, His father and him got into some screaming matches that bought the police and my husband was always asked to be the one to back down and go to work to keep bad feelings down.
The way he had a day off after 16 years was he threw up al over his foreman and passed out. Ended up under the knife to remove a brain tumor July 31 2001. He went back six days later because of the problems caused with peoples vacations. He was supposed to take 60 days off, But his father even pulled him out of bed to go back against med advice. Said his absence was causing chaos. he went back and saw a chance when the company put a job bid up for the new plant, he put his 23 years up. A county commissioners son with 8 years did to. The local gave it to the younger man because of his political connections, From 9/11 to that October my husband took it to the national Union, Even went to Blacklake personally. They reversed the locals decision by contract., I offer a promise to really be a wife if he took his name down and was told to drop dead. His father said he was special privilege because of his father please take your name off, that did not impress my husband in the least and his father was sent packing. The decision was made by many to humble my husband, If he did not take his name off by reason he would learn by pain. The four men that came including the comissioneers son ended up in critical condition in a trauma center, My husbands father found him cleaning blood off the porch and asked why he just could not back down. I started staying away as much as possible when my husband was home for fear the same was coming my way he was really demanding marital rights, I had had some affairs, My husband broke his promise and found out about them reading my journals. The next Christmas he was taking off, until his father shoved a twelve gauge in his back. Then one day I was taken to his job for his retirement party. That took us all by surprise, He started for another company the next day and we moved 60 miles south, at the new company he unloaded and loaded freight in aircraft. I still avoided my husband but things were very hard, he tried and was refused a second petition for divorce.
then he fell out of the aft bulk carrier of an MD10 and bruised his back, four months later he was begging to die In an ER, his spine had been eaten up by MRSA, The resulting fusion the hospitals and rehab ended last year. He just about killed my old BF. Two weeks later I was doing his father a favor by going to a political dinner with a friend of his. when my husband walked through the door, He told me after I explained the whole truth that I was not going. He said I owed 31 years of life and the note was now due. I called his father to tell his friend no. He said OS and I will be over soon. I turned around and told my husband it was to late to cancel and his father was coming over, Said he did not care, I was not going. I promised to meet anywhere after the event to talk things through. He said you have cried wolf with that promise and its no good. Youy are not going I took off for the door and the dress I was wearing was ripped off. he said I paid for this its staying, he then said the note is now due I begged not like this, when my husband finished I went to the bedroom crying. the an that I was to go with had been hammering on the door for twenty minutes and my husband answered and told him I was not going, He tried forcing his way in. My husband handled him like a rag doll. Cane in one hand, The man in the other. He was thrown over the porch rail face first into the cement drive just as my husbands mother and father arrived, His father took his friend to urgent care, His mother started getting the whole story of what happened since my husband came home from the military. My husband left his father on the porch screaming about his friend, about his not being a man with me. When his mother walked out and slapped his father calling him a lot of names and told him they would leave their son alone.
I don't refuse any more, but in the last year there have been more people hurt, His father on memorial day Was backhanded after my husband Took a reservation for the man from last year away, My husband told him to scram he was not going with me my husband was, he ran like satan was after him. His mother said watch the pigs fly to the rest of the guests when his father told my husband he was tired of his lip, and his being rude to his friends. He broke two fingers on his sons face, it looked like he slapped a granite bust. His son answered that he was tired of his fathers orders, his interference. His jerking him around and above all in his house he had was never going to be treated as a door mate again, His fathers face is still black and blur two months later. After being Backhanded with his fist across our kitchen.
Two weeks ago was one more incident, His father showed up with two friends that did not like the way my husband was, felt he showed a lack of respect to his father and them. One produced a .45 and the other a Glock. They told me they needed a private talk without my husband there, and forced him back, my husband put his chest up to the .45 and told the man he was a coward if he did not pull the trigger. I went because I wanted no one hurt, his father and the two men left because they felt my husband was insane. My husband recorded the whole thing on Security cams and loaded it on a thumb drive, Was going to the ploice when he spotted his fathers and the two other cars that were at the house 30 minutes before, we met his mother, who was told the reason my husband was not along was because he was not home, his sister, her husband and the wives of the two men. The first indication my husband arrived was when his sister screamed, The to gun holders went face first bleeding into their breackfast. My husband swung his heavy oak cane four times. When the police cuffed him they and his mother and sister were asking why. His father goofed and said the matter was closed when we left him standing at home, My husband said the why was n a video file in his pocket, the sargent took it and watched it and came in and released my husband. Issued court dates for his father. The other two will get theirs when they get out of the hospital. The police asked why he just did not bring the file to them. My husband answered he wanted everyone to feel as powerless as he felt. I know I do now, His mother is going to call everytime the family gets together to see what her son is really doing. She said it is not advisable, and his councilors agree, it can't keep up for one upman ship, They said first the brain surgery then the MRSA was traumatic enough, then finding out why he was excluded from his life. the conniving, the conspiracy that was used against him, his mother wants heads on a platter, she wants mine especially, next in line is her husbands rear, but after that day he had the heart attack he has been threatening. My mother heard the whole thing so there is really no where to run, I live with a PTSD effective person now, Its like sitting on one of the warheads my husband worked on with no safety's. I tried to make myself look in the best light. But have been told I should point the things we did was at best turning my husband into a slave. We denied rights, I allowed myself to be used by others to get over on my husband, when he had no escape. I am sorry this was so long but I can only write to get things open now.
First off let me say that your husband is being totally ridiculous. Listen it sounds like your husband is not only bi-polar but jealous & paranoid as well. If he's constantly accusing you of things you're not doing...I know you've kissed 2 men which doesn't make you a bad person by the way...that aside masturbation is perfectly normal & sexy & it also sounds like your husband wants to be in control of your every thought & your every move...that's not good at all. Every & I do mean ever man & woman have fantasies, cravings, needs, wants & desires. Listen masturbation in front of somebody is sexy meaning a man & a woman I want to clarify that lol & using toys etc is also sexy & hot but your husband doesn't need to know every single time you masturbate...unless you want him to. There's no need to feel guilty or tell him every time you do something & he's not around or you don't call him. Tell me have you ever cheated on any man you've ever dated or maybe an ex husband previously because it sounds like you need to have yourself some great sex & I'm sure you wouldn't tell your husband about that now would you lol?
I know you think about it. Any woman who's man treats her like that would & please be honest.