What are your opinions on boundaries for touching other people outside relationship?
Ok, I know "touching people" is a pretty wide category so let me give some specifics. I have been in a serious relationship for a year and a half. A few months ago, I learned something which to me was very disturbing: My boyfriend and his female best friend cuddle. In bed. At night. Once a week. He strokes her arm and such... Of course, he lied to me about it for a whole year until I sensed something was up and asked outright because, quote, he knew it would hurt me. Why would he continue it knowing it would hurt me when he has always said he wants to take some of the pain out of my life? I happen to know that before me he had a major crush on her. Now, he claims she is like a sister to him.
Ironically, he used to have a crush on his sister. But that aside... I tried desperately to explain to him that this crossed my boundaries... that I had given myself to him emotionally and physically in every way, and expected the same. I personally feel that any form of intimate cuddling should be reserved for your partner if you are in a long term relationship. He doesn't understand, or says he doesn't understand, what the hell I'm talking about. Finally I told him he simply couldn't be cuddling with her like that, and he was mad, and she was really angry, and I felt like some horrible person for wanting my boyfriend to be totally physically faithful (I actually find cuddling to often be a more intimate thing than sex, because it can be more vulnerable).
Eventually he did stop, but he has never agreed with it. I don't want him to stop against his will, so it makes it hurt more. But I don't want him cuddling with another woman.
Now, in present day: Yesterday I wet to a party with him. She was also there. She sat down on the other side of him and started running her fingers through his hair!!! Not just a quick and playful hello, or a teasing gesture. Languorously and obviously happily stroking his hair in an EXTREMELY sensual fashion. He wasn't doing anything about it. I left and he followed me outside and asked what was wrong, so I told him that it hurt to see her stroking his hair like that because for me it's something very intimate. I asked him if he did the same to her and he said yes, that he loves playing with her hair.
At this point I feel kind of numb. But all my friends and family are saying they feel the same way, that this is not appropriate contact when in a serious and loving relationship with one woman.
What do you think?
Hello Watersprite, I understand your frustration and all and you did the right thing telling him that this is bothering you. You should tell him that what he does with his best friend is inappropriate and you don't feel comfortable with everything they do together. For what I read he might still like her so unless you're just the best girl out there eventually he will leave you for her, so either tell him to stop all this foolishness or move on.
I hope I helped.
I am in a very similar situation with my GF you can find my post titled Navy Man's GF Fooling Around- I'm Overseas. At any rate, no, what he is doing with her is not "normal" or "appropriate", it isn't cool, he may say he loves you, he may make you feel special at times, but it sounds to me like his behavior is screaming that you are a convenience, and he can still have his "friend" on the side cause you won't do anything or acknowledge the obvious truth that no heterosexual man can lay with a cute girl once a week and literally only cuddle. From your description of their behavior even right in front of you, it's obvious to me they are much more than friends. I think you are probably a very loving and forgiving person, but you are being taken advantage of and it is NOT right. Find someone who is worth your time, he wants to keep you as a standby while he keeps his hot side dish as well. Unless you like to share, you need to get out of that relationship ASAP, it is not healthy at all. Consider commenting on my post if you don't mind as well, I'd appreciate it.