I came across this website while searching for "resentment within my marriage". I don't know what to do or where to turn. When I talk to my family or friends, they just tell me "I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there". I am, but nothing is getting better. So here is my problem. I am a newlywed (Married in April), with my husband 3 years, but friends for over 10 years. We have a great friendship. But we are starting to lack in everything else. I feel like it is me. The reason being this. Ever since I met my husband, his mother has been sick. Various health issues, but mainly COPD with EXTREME anxiety and depression. She is in and out of ICU, can't get out of bed, etc. She is miserable. Just recently (this last week), the doctors want her in hospice (they have recommended this before), but the family (including my husband) cannot make that decision. His mother cannot make decisions on her own or even breathe on her own (a machine called a Bypap mainly does it for her). I am not mad about any of this. I love my mother-in-law, husband, and my in-laws very much. But I am starting to resent having to put my life, "our" life on hold. We have no "fun" time. Everytime we plan a vacation, she is sick again. Even our wedding was a down affair because she was in the hospital again and could not make it. So no honeymoon either. My husband and I even tried to plan a 2nd honeymoon, but no. She is ICU again with doctors telling her and the family that hospice is the option. But the family still keeps her alive in bed
This 2nd honeymoon we were going to try and have children (my husband is 37 and we don't really want to wait), but we have to again because of his mother. I am starting to hate my life. I miss my husband whom I never see. I have pushed my friends, family aside because our whole life is work, sleep, and his mother, plus my husband has his own health issues he deals with. When my family has been faced with this issue, sadly, we let them go. I don't understand keeping someone alive that can't get out of bed, feed themselves, or even go to the bathroom on their own. I am not trying to judge anyone. Really I am not. Nor again do I have nothing but love for my new family and husband. But I am SO ANGRY. I want a life too. My husand is the last to get married or have children (he has nonenor do I ) out of his siblings because he has spent the last 10 years or so taking care of his mother. His sister just became POA, but nothing has changed. It has been living the last 3 years like everyday was her last and if we try to live a normal life one day here or there, the guilt is to much. WHAT DO I DO??
OMG I can so releate!
My husband and i had a dramatic begining to our life together too! i use to care for my grand-mother and then, Chrsitmas day my dad left my mother and came to live with us (3 days after our wedding day!) and my older sister left her partner and we took on 2 of her kids! Life was mad and hectic for us.
But it got better we just had to hang in there. Its so hard to do tho, when everything thing seems to go against what our dreams as wives seem to pass us by and YES friends don't understand and do drop off leaving us to go through life on our own.
We don't have any kids either and i want them so badly but to add another life that i have to care for just seems stressful?
Every day i too, resentment some parts of my marriage, and its not easy to admit is it?
Thanks for your post, i needed to see that I am not alone in life, your brave and wonderful for hanging in there.
P-I am going to give it to you straight. You sound selfish. Whether that is a true statement on my part or not is only known by you. I am willing to bet you knew in the beginning that your husband had been caring for your mother for 10 years. I am willing to write a check that you knew that about your husband before you married. Now you want a different life. You have a life with your husband, but you want a different life. Okay, get past being selfish and lets move on to something that causes less insight.
It is normative to feel resentful when another life is causing you to make decisions you don't want to make (i.e., 2nd honeymoon).
Some situations cause for maturity and understanding beyond that which is typical. Think about it for a minute. What kind of woman will you become if you say, "I am leaving you because your mother is ill." I know this does not sound good.
I am willing to bet you are not truly a selfish person. I am willing to bet you are not the type of woman who truly has hatred in your heart.
Missing your husband is a good thing-hold the torch, he will return to you. Please don't make him resent you for losing time with his mother.
If hospice has been called in, then the physicians are saying, "there is nothing else they can do, except make his mother comfortable." Of course, they don't come out and use the stated words, but that is the sentiment.
Dig deeper and you will find the strength to overcome this situation. Your family and friends are saying the only thing they can say. Do you expect them to say, "leave your husband because his mother is sick?" No one with a heart could say those words. You simply need to set self aside. I know it is asking a lot.
To preserve your dignity, grace, and respect as a woman, you have to choice but to do as your family and friends advise, "hang in there." To do anything less, is not acceptable by the dominant culture-sorry and good luck.
I can so relate to this too....my mother in law is sick too and its very easy for everyone else to say hang in there...my husband does nothing with me its all about his mother and she just loves his attention! A horrible thing to say but sometimes i feel like she acts up just to make him worry about her!! We go no where we dont go out even if we are just to go for a walk to the beach he has to bring her too its like he doesnt even want me around....and as for the bedroom may as well forget that...he always says his tired... I too want kids but he said we cant afford them, which really isnt true ... I feel like her married me because he got kinda stuck with me for so long he didnt even want to sleep with me the night of our wedding...im so depressed from it all and start to think its my own fault i left it get this way but now i see it as i really dont have a purpose in this life and sometimes it would be easier just to end it all..and i know there will be a backlash for saying that but thats just the way i feel.....but as everyone else says hang in there yeah right
I am not clear about your husband being stuck with you. As long as you are living you have choices. If your option is suicide or divorce, then you know my answer-Divorce. Your life does not belong to anyone except you. I wish you well. Life is beautiful. Don't let present circumstances block your future.