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How to stop loving? a married w in love with a married m

Posted by
CONFUSED_MI
on Jul 27 2013 at 15:40
Member since: 27 July 2013
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Here is my trivial story (like in lady magazines). My husband and I have been together for 5 years. First two years were amazing, full of love and caring. Then he started to become colder, stopped showing any emotions, no signs of love at all. Sex was the only time when I could actually feel that I meant something to him. But I loved him a lot and still had a hope that these changes in his attitude are temporary. Soon after that I found out that I was pregnant. His reaction was as numb as you can imagine, no joy, no disappointment, just plain nothing. I felt stupid, unhappy and insecure. We went on living together calmly, no scandals. I used to cry a lot because he was working too much, always giving his time and attention to anyone, taking a lot of unpaid jobs, going on trips, while I was frustrated being always alone, assembling furniture for the baby and carrying heavy stuff up to the 5th floor. He wouldn't help even when he was at home, he was sure I was strong enough. When he was at home, he never touched the belly, he never even mentioned the baby at all. But still my love and hope were there. When our son was born, my hb didn't say a single nice word to me, just as if it was an everyday thing. Then I spent a year at home with the baby. Hb hadn't changed his behavior. After that year I started regaining my independence, doing my own things, getting engaged in different projects, growing professionally. I never looked at other men, I just sort of got on with the fact that our family life will always be cold, that my son and I can count only on me. But then I met a man who changed everything. We met when working on a project together. Even though I liked him from the start, I never let myself think that there could be something between us because he has two kids and is married for over 10 years. But.. one day we realized that there is something significant we feel towards each other. It turned out that his relationship with his wife is also very cold for a long time. We had met once after work and spent a couple of hours together. I came home and my husband knew everything because someone saw us on the street. I was going to break up with the hb, but I didn't expect it to happen like that. But to my surprise he didn't turn away but started crying, he said he loved me and he knew that it was all his fault, that he'd been so cold to me all these years and he is ready to change, that he can't leave and that he doesn't blame me at all. I said I'm not going to make such important decisions in such a stressful situation, that we need to live on and think it over. But I kept thinking of that other guy. We kept seeing each other occasionally, like once a week. He was going to tell his wife. And once he started that talk with her she came up with an announcement that she's two months pregnant (we hadn't met yet when the baby was conceived). So now three months have passed, we have made promises to each other to never meet again, not to cheat on our spouses, but every two weeks one of us first breaks the promise and we meet again, we have a wonderful time together. But there is always an unspeakable amount of guilt that falls on us when returning to the "real life". I had never expected from myself that I could ever cheat on my hb, especially with a man who has a family and a pregnant wife. My husband is doing his best to make me happy, he has changed 180 degrees, so caring, cuddling and loving as never before. But oh my god, this feels so too late... And that's another reason for me to feel guilty. I am so confused. I love my son so much, I want him to grow up in a loving family. I respect my hb as a person and I appreciate how he has changed, but I can't help loving that other man and just don't know what to do. It's like a nightmare. We shouldn't meet but both of us are desperately holding on to each other, I just can't let him go because I love him. But I can't even think of him leaving his family. I don't want it to happen and he can't do it neither. I feel that my head will blow up soon. Why in the movies it's always so clear, there is always a solution - either good or bad, but a solution?.. Feeling stupid, guilty, confused. How to stop loving someone?
Reply from
LADYLUV35
on Jul 27 2013 at 16:56
Member since: 27 July 2013
Well I work with a older couple that's in this situation it's seen to me u need to tell your husband how u feel on a regular basis men have to b told they can't read minds my coworkers r ppl who been married for 15/20 yeArs after a while things get boring u have to talk about things spice things up or u can become faded in the background I myself never quite had words for two married ppl cheating but I thk it's different Im with someone now who has a girl n I no he wants to b with me he just confused but I let him stay cuz hr has to find a way to figure it out but I told if I meet someone I don't care how much love we got for each other I'm cutting all ties so... So my advice to u is to realize whats important to u and he probably aint gone leave his wife so u all probably to get counseling n figure it out hope this help
Reply from
IMLOSTTODAY
on Aug 1 2013 at 15:08
Member since: 01 August 2013
I've been in this situation. In some ways I'm still reeling from it. Cheating is a terrible thought, right? We never know how other people can do that to someone and then we easily do it ourselves. The guilt and shame you feel, I've been there too. You feel great in the moment and then as soon as it's over, the guilt and shame are right back. Let me give you my situation and some of the hard lessons I've had to learn.

At this point, I had been dating my now fiance for two and a half years. I had just started part time graduate school in addition to a full time job and felt really insecure by all of the different pressures building up around me. The stress sent me into this self-destructive mode where I started seeking self-satisfaction any way that I could. I started flirting with men a lot and when they flirted back it gave me a sense of accomplishment. Then I started talking to one of my married classmates. While I flirted a bit, I still considered him completely off limits. But he continued to flirt with me. He continued to pursue me. And it wasn't just for sex, which I thought was strange. He didn't just want random hookups. In fact, he usually just wanted to chat and meet for coffee. That's how I knew it was more for him than just a hookup. That's when I knew he wanted a different relationship. I was still really against it at first, but he was so sweet and said such great things that I fell for it. We started "seeing" each other. About four months in, he decided to leave his wife. I was still very much against him doing that. Meanwhile, I'm still with my boyfriend the entire time. About five months in, his wife found out about our relationship. She was devastated and it ended in divorce. I feel such intense guilt and shame every single day for that. He's tried to convince me that this wasn't the first time he'd done something like this and that it would have happened anyway. But absolutely nothing he says can convince me that it wasn't my fault. And that's something terrible to live with. Once he had broken up with his wife, he expected me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him that I did, but I didn't. For the next six months, I hid them both from each other. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to marry him and that's when I made my decision. He has no idea about the other man. I'm still working up the courage to tell him and deciding if I really should. The other man found out today that I'm engaged unfortunately before I could tell him myself. Part of why I'm reading this forum. I'm now in a situation where I just have to be completely honest about everything which will be great.

Anyway, my life lessons to you:

1. It's easy to fall in love. It's hard to choose to stay in love with that person through everything. While it's hard to hear, unless there is domestic abuse or violence of any sort, you belong with your husband. You made a commitment to each other and he seems to want to give it another try. In the same vein, the other man you've been seeing made a commitment to his wife. They belong together. And you will feel regret, shame, remorse, and guilt for the rest of your life if you break up their marriage and it will make it almost impossible to ever begin a relationship with him. Marriage is tested when you fall in love with that next person. And I guarantee you, you are not alone in cheating. And you are not a bad person for it. I've cheated. I'm ashamed of it. I never thought I would do it. But I did it.

2. My father cheated on my mother when I was younger. Fortunately for me, my mother and father were able to work through their issues and managed to stay together. I will say that from the point of the view as their child, I respect my mother so much for her decision. Her decision and my fathers to stay in the marriage and make it work made my childhood fantastic. It also showed me what a marriage can go through. It showed me strength and love and hope and I"m looking to that right now during this difficult time. I'm not saying there are never any reasons to leave a marriage and there are some very good ones, but reading your message, I think there is still a lot of love there for your husband.

If you have any advice to give on my situation, I'd appreciate it. About to have one of the hardest conversations of my life.

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