Losing my marriage
I would really appreciate some feedback on this. Thanks.
I have been married now for allmost 21 years.
My wife decided 4 weeks ago that she wanted a trial separation for 3 months.
The events leading up to this....
For the last 5 years or so we have had virtually no sexual relationship.
At the time, I had thought it was because whenever we tried it seemed to hurt her. For quite some time I have tried to get her to see a doctor etc, all to no avail.
However, just before Christmas it basically boiled over and we had a row about it.
We basically sat down and she said that it wasn't something phyiscal that was causing the problem, more that our relationship was going to the dogs.
We decided that we would have no more physical contact for the forseeable future to give her a chance to feel that we had something more and that she could begin to feel close to me again.
Now the main problems that I am aware of.
Firstly, I have spent much to much time on my computer. This is my work and my play.
Secondly, I work away from home and consequently only get home for a few days each month. This has been the case now for several years.
She says that when I am home, I don't spend any time with my family (2 kids, 14/17) and her. I can see this as I know that I have spent much to much time on the computer when home.
Not making an excuse, but I have been sucked into the world of MMOG's and that is the reason for some much computer time.
She had also found that I had downloaded porn on my computer and this is something that she abhors.
She also found a phone number for a prostitute that I had written down on some paper in my pocket. I hasten to add, that I have not actually used the services of one of these girls, but I have been seriously considering it for quite some time. The only thing really stopping me is the fact that I do love her and don't want to hurt her that way.
We also agreed that I would spend more time, when home, with her and the kids as she believed that we no longer communicate on a decent level any more.
We also agreed that I would do more helping out in the house etc....
As I love her so much, I made a very concious effort to do this and I believe that I did so properly.
Then approximately one month ago, she found out about a loan that I had taken out several years ago which was basically for keeping us afloat. I had never told her about it, believing that I would be able to pay it back once I had got a better job. As it happens, I never did get a better job and as it was registered to a different address than my home, just left it and hoped it would go away.
As I'm sure you have allready guessed, this loan reared its ugly head again.
We had tried to get a new mortgage last year and were turned down a couple of times. I have been lying about it to her since then as the various banks just said there was a problem with our credit report.
It got left for some time as we decided to carry on without the new mortgage and I managed to ignore it some more. Untill, we got a letter at home from a debt collection company. I then made the mistake of telling her it was a mistake and that it had nothing to do with me. This went on for a couple of months or so untill eventually I had to admit that the loan was indeed mine.
It was then that she decided that she wanted a separation as she doesn't know if she loves me any more. Of course she was very angry about this and is finding it very difficult to believe me any more.
We have had several other debts which has compounded this as well.
At this stage she asked for the break.
Fortunately, my family has helped out by paying off these debts for us so at least we now no longer have this over our heads.
I very much love her and do not want to separate from her in any shape or form and am at a complete loss as to what to do.
I know that I have made mistakes and would do anything in my power to sort them out.
She has also told me that for the last few years she just feels that we were going nowere and that its as if she was effectively living on her own.
Any suggestions as to what I can do would really help.
I'm slowly dying inside and there is not much stopping me from falling down on my knees and begging her to have me back.
She says she wants time to think, I'm really struggling to give her that time as whenever I see her I want to talk to her and try to set things right again.
I can't completely avoid seeing her as at the very least I phone every day to talk to the kids and when I'm home I want very much to see them so I need to go round.
Thankyou for listening.
Sorry if it appears to be a bit of a ramble, but this is just coming out as I think of it. I'm very much afraid of what may happen and terrified of being on my own.
make sure she really knows you mean what you say that you are sorry and intend to change.then let her get her head together, this could take ages ,sort your self out ,accoamadtion, money,etc and SHOW her what you can be like when you dont let things slip into this kind of mess .you can do it, just dont be in her face as this will appear deseparte(not attractive)and wont lwt hwr miss you get her head roung everthing ...show her you can be considerate ,goodwith money and able to sort your self out on domestic front.make sure you look nice when you do see her as she fancied you once and if she sees your taking bit of care of yourself it may help on sex front. any reconcilation need total upfront conversation bout sex life etc . lots of people are temted to stray at some point but you have rsited this despite being stuck in rut etc so this should count for something,good luck it wil all be ok in the end ,
Get thee to a marriage therapist!!...and bring your wife if you can possibly convince her to give it a go with professional help. Unfortunately, and in my humble opinion, your problems are large and complicated enough to require that kind of professional help. Perhaps you could approach her with that thought in mind....that you respect her need for time off right now, and feel that not only would a therapist help sort out the marriage issues, but her own personal issues as well. You would also benefit from this....no offence at all, but you seem to run from your problems instead of facing them head on (eg: the loan). Your final statement of "I'm terrified of being alone" should also be something you dig into. Are you remaining in this situation because of that thought? You own it not only to yourself, but your kids & wife to be a man that is able to stand on his own, and not one that waits and hopes for the bad stuff to disappear. Take matters in hand and check into professional help in this...even if things don't end up working out with the wife, you'll find yourself coming out the other side more complete as a person. Much luck in this....I don't envy your problems....it has to be rough. Hang in and don't give up on yourself
Thanks for the replies.
Inferior Decorator, The only thing that I have really been putting my head in the sand about has been the loan, mainly because I thought that something like this might happen.
I have approached her a couple of times about seeing someone from relate to try and sort this out, but she is quite adamant about not seeing anyone. She feels that it won't help at all.
She is a very private person and I guess that she really is quite wary about speaking to someone who is essentially a stranger about some very personal issues.
She has however finally begun to talk to her sister about this and I think that this has helped.
Definately in my eyes as her sister thinks that we should get back together again, with some new groundrules.
I have however been seeing a councillor myself (with her knowledge) and am hoping that when she sees that it is helping me she might well go along. Not really holding my breath on that one though.
We have subsequently talked a couple of times since I originally posted this and I now hold some small hope of us getting back together again. The one thing that I have insisted upon though has been a definate answer one way or the other when the 3 months is up. this was suggested to me by the councillor. I did offer some extra time if she required it, which she said she didn't need.
In answer to a couple of comments earlier about our sex life, I don't believe that sex in itself was the problem, it is much more of a symptom than anything else.
I am not so much terrified of being on my own because I will be alone, but because I still love her and the kids so much and really don't want to spend my life without them. Even just being away from them for the last month or so really has been painfull. I have effectively lost everything in my life that I really care for.
I am lucky in that my parents are helping me out a lot, their support has been invaluable.
Glad to read you're seeing someone to sort out your feelings...and I really do hope your wife follows your lead and goes herself. I'm in complete agreement with you on the sex angle...I to think it's merely a symptom and not a cause. I hope my original answer wasn't offensive to you...I was only offering an opinion and thought maybe you were running from problems....hell, we all do that at times don't we
After reading your latest, I guess it's just a matter of "wait and see". Hopefully your efforts will give restore trust both to your wife and yourself. I agree again, good parents are a blessing...I couldn't have made it this far without my Mum...she's golden. Have you gotten together for weekends with your kids? Maybe that will help lessen some of your pain?
I hadn't actually thought you had been offensive at all.
Just wanted to make clear my situation, thats all.
Everytime I'm home I see the kids, have made a special effort to take them out somewere, even if it is only for an hour or two and I make sure that when I'm away I allways ring home to talk to them. Something that I allways have done mind, but at the beginning of this I did say that I wouldn't ring home to give her some space. I found after being away for a week it was killing me just not speaking to them, so we agreed that I would call anyway. Fortunately, we haven't got that far down the line that we argue over the kids.
In that respect actually, it's been extremely good to do things with them. As it was, I rarely took them out anywere and I think its doing us the world of good. My wife even remarked the other day that my daughter had said something to that effect. I'm hoping that she sees this and believes that I'm serious about the changes.
Going to try and give up smoking tommorow as well, not sure how long I will last as it really has been a crutch for me of the last month. She really doesn't like me smoking so its one more thing that I can change, wish me luck....
I quit smoking 3 years ago, so I'm really crossing the fingers for you here. Approach it like quitting a drug habit, because that is what it basically is. Very tough to do, but not impossible. You're under a great amount of stress now, so don't be too hard on yourself if you should slip...just jump right back on the wagon. It's very cool that you're remaining in close contact with the kids...they probably need it as much as you do! Glad to see you didnt take offence, I tend to be blunt...blunt but caring if that's possible lol! Keep posting your progress, I'm sure there are others here along with me that want to support you in this journey of yours.