For unsure what he wants
Okay, so I am trying to make this short and sweet but for everybody to understand the whole problem and story, I need to put in all the details. So if you do read this and have some advice for me tonight, I want to thank you in advance! Here is the story: Back in July I meet this guy at work. And lets just say we don't work at your typical place, we work in the hospitality industry so where we work is also where we live. Moving on from that, we had a party for all the staff members and during the last five minutes he finally came up and asked me to dance, so I did. He is a cute guy so why not? Plus he was standing near my group all night and finally got the courage to ask me. Then when the party ended, we talked some and I said I was leaving with my girl friend so he joined us and walked us to our rooms. When we got to my room, I invited him in. We did nothing, we sat on my bed and we talked until early in the morning. it was just nice talking to him. He then left and took down my number and called me in the morning to make sure I was up since I had to be up in a matter of a couple of hours. Then after that we called each other back and forth and made plans to meet up at the crew bar and at staff events and parties. We spent basically every night together and talked on the phone atleast 2-3 times a day. I started gaining feelings for him and I told him this and I asked him what he wanted to do and if I should try to come back to work at the same place again rather then go else where. He was also sending signals like he wanted more. He told me that he wanted me to see no one else but him and just said things that made it seem like we were so much more than friends. he said things that just a friend would never say. but anyways, he shoot down that idea very quick, his response was basically like this "You know my situation back home, I have to marry someone from there someone that my parents approve of and I thought you would go on to your new work place and forget about me and move on with someone else" so you know, I was a bit upset by all this and we had a bit of an argument but we soon made up. I was soon to go home and I just enjoy being with him so I just wanted to continue being his friend and be happy. About a week and a bit after this discussion, he started with saying things like, "please don't ever forget about me" "Ill never forget you, even when im married and have kids" "keep me in your heart forever" "If my situation ever changes, Ill come find you" and you know, that's just things you don't say to a "friend" and he also told me that he would be very jealous of my future husband because he would get me. So this continued for a few days and then their was another party and I just wanted to go and enjoy myself since it was my last one. well I ended up having this other guy come up and talk to me (he stared at me non stop for 3 days and he came to apologize, harmless right?) well I then saw him again a few minutes later and asked him his name and talked a bit more. he then asked me who that guy is that I am always with and what he is too me. I told him he is just a friend and that guy was like oh well he just told me not to talk to you. And of course this makes me annoyed because he has no right to tell people this. I then find him and ask him all this and tell him that he has no right to do that. He denies it and calls the other guy over and they kinda of get into a disagreement. We all then go on our own ways. I go off with my friends but my guy kept watching me and seeing who I am dancing with and comes over every few minutes to check on me. Finally the party is about to end and I see one of my other guy friends, legit friend and I stand and talk to him for the rest of the party. Well my guy is across the room and I can just feel his eyes on me and my one girl friend even mentioned how he is watching me. He then came over to us and just stood there with his arms crossed watching me and whistling at me to get my attention. Didn't come and approach me and my guy friend but stood back a bit and just watched. Soon he got made he walked away, thinking he left, which whatever, good for me. He ended up just circling around and soon came back to stand and whistle again. I finally went and talked to him and told him to just wait, that I am talking. I went back to talking to my guy friend and soon we wrap it up. I then went to my guy and he is right away "who is that? what was he saying?" and I got made at him for whistling at me like that and that he had no right doing that or looking mad at me. He didn't come up to be introduced, he stood back from us so Im not gonna call him in when he has no interest in it. So we got in a bit of a agreement about it all and I told him that I just wanted to enjoy my night and he basically wrecked that for me. And I laid it down for him, telling him that we are just friends and that I can talk, dance and leave with whoever I want. That I don't have to leave with him or go home with him. And I think all this made him clue in the next few days that he can no longer hide his feelings that he has for me and soon he caved and told me that he likes me a lot and that he doesn't care what his parents say that he wants to be with me. So my last week and a bit we stayed together and he asked me to be his girlfriend and he even planned a little going away party for me with his friends in his cabin. he made me a cake, got the drinks I like, and made food. It was just a cute and sweet little party. He made me very happy my last week. And when sunday came, I had to leave and say good bye to him. So I wrote him this letter saying how much I like him and how much I enjoyed my time with him. he started to cry and just held me close all night. Finally morning came and we had to say our final good byes. We both kept composed and he had to get to work so he just gave me a quick hug and kiss and left. I was heart broken to say good bye to him and my friends. So of course on the ride to the airport, I cried and at the airport I cried when I talked to him on facebook. He even sent me messages that day saying, I miss you so much, I am crying right now, I want to see you. Then later that night he sent me one saying no matter what, we will be together because he needs me in his life. He even called me and called me the next night. So everything seems good and that he truly wants to be with me for love not to make his parents happy. Well I ended up leaving a gift behind for him with my friend and he finally got it last night. I thought he would have called but no, he messaged me with this "I got your gifts, I liked them all. Nice tshirt" and of course this makes me a little annoyed.. you know all that heart and feeling I put into the card and gift and that's all I get?? and so I told him that and he said back "I was in no state to message you. I really liked the card, the kiss, the gifts. I really liked them all" and then sends another message, "I really like you" So I reply him back to this message and then all of a sudden he sends me a message, "i am telling you this not to make you upset. When i remember my parents, brothers and my relatives i feel really upset that what will happen" and of course, I just jump to conclusions and over think this all. But I mean wouldn't you?? So I message him telling him to stop playing games with me and to stop going back and forth. Make up your mind and let me know what you are doing. I JUST NEED ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO! I am sooooo lost... Yes I have only known this guy for a month but I like him so so so much... I am just completely lost. He is suppose to call me tonight so we can work this out and see what happens. but please advice? ANY? I know it is very long and a bit confusing.
I just want to say that unrequited love sucks, so you have my sympathies!
I didn't get what culture he is from, but are we talking arranged marriage type of thing here? If something like that is the case, I can see that he can be torn between what he wants and what is expected of him in his culture. Choosing you might entail loosing his family (of course this is just guesswork from my side).
Btw... I didn't like much the way you described his behaviour. He sounded both controlling and jealous. I hope this is because of a difficult situation and not a permanent personality trait...
Whenever I deal with problems in relationships, I tend to think that the best thing to do is to be open and honest and talk about it. Of course that's a two-way street and if he's not willing or able to do that, there's not much you can do. Also, now you are living in totally different places, right? So, will you see him again? If you're to be together one of you needs to move, right?
I hope you will have a good talk with him and that it will become clearer what you should do. Best of luck!
RR1113: Hi. I am so sorry you're going through this. Our heads tell us one thing but our hearts say another, don't they?
But what I want to say here, is that when there's this kind of drama going on in only the first month, it doesn't "bode" well for the future. I've been through similar things myself. It's obvious that this man is unavailable. Period. He's emotionally unavailable and will be physically unavailable as well at some point. Darlin', you need to get out of this NOW. If you continue, you're going to waste time - as well as getting your heart even more involved in a relationship that is going no where. Whatever this man feels for you, he is telling you that he cannot ever be "yours". And I don't like the fact that he seems to have a "have my cake and eat it, too" attitude. If he is telling you that your relationship with him can never go "forward" and that it can never culminate in marriage - then it appears he is less concerned about your feelings and more about his own. This seems very selfish to me, because if he really cared as much about you as he says, he'd let you go in order for you to find a man who is not only loving but AVAILABLE.
When he tells you, "Please don't forget ME" and "Keep me in your heart forever" - notice the focus on "him" there and not "you".
It's only been a month, so if you end this now, you'll save yourself a lot of future grief and heartache. While it appears that you both feel more for each other than "friends", it's also obvious that the relationship cannot go beyond that dynamic.
If I get involved with someone in a romantic way, knowing that I am married, engaged or even "betrothed" to a future woman (ala an arranged marriage) - then I am UNAVAILABLE and shouldn't pursue someone the way he is pursuing you. It's not right.
Remember, feelings aren't FACTS and just because we feel a certain way doesn't mean we should always act on those feelings.
My suggestion is for you to go out, find and date some great available guys - there are plenty out there - who can give you the love and attention and care that you desire. And you will find someone with whom a relationship will grow and GO somewhere!
There IS an element of romance and drama when we get involved with someone we "can't have". We get caught up in the pursuit; we get caught up in the idea that "we can change this"! It's exciting. It stirs us. It gives our lives focus.
But if this man truly knows he cannot give you what you want in the form of a true love relationship - if he truly cares about you he would let you go. It would be up to him whether or not he ever decides to go against his customs or culture. And it sounds like he simply can't or won't do this. He's keeping you in a kind of emotional limbo - and that is very selfish. So, it appears you are going to have to make the choice to go forward in your own life with someone else - or stay treading water with this man. That's a recipe for heartache, my dear. I know of what I speak because I stayed in a relationship like this for 4 years! And if I'd ended it in the first year, I'd have saved myself a LOT of grief and devastation!
I would simply tell this man, "I care for you. I'd like to be more than friends. But if you're saying that cannot be, then we need to part and go our separate ways until you can give me a clear indication that you are available for a relationship."
Hey You two, Thanks so much for replying and I have been meaning to get on and response to each of you but just been a bit hectic over here for me with unpacking and getting settled a bit back into “Normal life” haha
Spacebanana: Yes we are talking about arranged marriage and he is from India. I do know that he torn about what to do and tells me that he will tell his parents one day that he loves me and wants to be with me but I just don’t know if he will because he cares too much for them to go against what they want for him. He has also told me that no matter what he chooses that his parents won’t turn him away but it’s the fact that everyone will judge us. So basically, he just makes it seem that he is worried about everyone else’s opinions.. Am I right?
And as for his personality, he is a bit of a jealous guy (denies it though), not so much controlling though. I don’t stand for his behaviour though and I call him out on it very quick. I also do what I want and talk to who I want despite how he behaves because Im not gonna let his jealous ways control what I do. And as for the talking and being open and honest with each other, we do that and he has been honest from the beginning with me. Like with the whole marriage thing back home, he has been straight up and honest about all that so I do respect that about him. I am currently on vacation and back at home for another 6 weeks. I am trying to get back to where he is but I might not be able to and if that is the case, we might go until February without seeing each other.
And as for the talk, it went so-so. I am still a bit unsure of what to do though. He told me that he still wants to get back to the same work place as him, im the only girl he has ever loved or cried over and he told me that he wants me to forget about what he said and just lets see what happens. I told him that you date to see what happens and that he needs to stop worrying so much about marriage. I am only 23 and he is only 25 and I am in no rush to get married at all.
Jexy22: Everything you have said is very helpful and makes me think a lot. You gave me insight on things I may not have thought about so thank you so much. It sucks that my heart wants one thing but my head is thinking different. I think things would be so much different if he never mentioned marriage and how he can’t marry me. We aren’t always guaranteed to marry the one we date but you can’t start a relationship off with the fact that growing in a relationship will never happen. It puts a bit of a trust issue there because you never know when he might decide to go with his parents wishes and just leave me to the side. And it also sucks that he is pursuing me so much and not just letting me go when there was other guys asking about me but he told them all that I was his girlfriend when that at the time wasn’t the truth. I think when I am with him, he thinks of only me and how he wants to be with me but now that I am gone, im not a distraction anymore and he thinks about his family.. Im not trying to give him excuses but this is just what I think and my friend who knows the complete story of all this. I am also that kind of girl that isn’t stupid and though I like him a lot, part of me knows what to do where the other part is wishing to make it work. I just have to decide what part to listen too. I mean I can continue with him and as you said have that wishing that things will change or I can move on and go to a ship away from him like I am supposed to and find new friends and a new guy that will be available. Even though we have only been together a month, the month feels like so much longer because we spent every day together, every night together and dating where I was, is completely different than dating on “land” So a month seems easy to get rid of him but really, its a lot harder than it seems. So I do have a tough choice to make in the next coming days or I can just go with it and see what happens and if I’ll get on his ship again and then go from there.. such a touch choice. But thank you so much for your advice, I really did take them all in and really thought about it all and I am still thinking about it all.