Hi this is going to be a long post so please bear with me (well if you have the time for it).
I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months and I love her and I know she loves me too but recently she felt that she couldn't feel the closeness anymore and was indecisive about leaving me since she didn't want to hurt my feeling. I couldn't see her being miserable and struggling so I took the initiative and chose to call it a day. It was really hard and I'm still hurting so much.
Next day she sent me all the following messages which I decided not to respond until today.
Please take your time reading through all this and please feel free to ask anything as I'm at my wits end. Thank you so much in advance for your time, thoughts and comments on my matter.
I'm not feeling good about all this you know, I still don't know if it's the right decision. I know I wasn't happy but I think I've been selfish. You'd have given me more of a chance I know you would. I feel like I've lost part of myself, you know I'll still be part of your life if you want me to be, I just don't know in what capacity yet.
I hope you're ok and I'm sorry that you're hurting, I don't know how to make things right x
I just want to curl up with you in the hope that all this'll get better. All I can do is sit and sob its so hard that I miss you so much yet when I'm with you it doesn't even feel like we are together anymore. I'm sorry, I feel like I must have strung you along and I've made this harder for both of us by hoping I was just going through a low time. I'm sorry I've said and done so many hurtful things I hope the future holds something for us both, no matter what it may be x
I feel like I've been so greedy and taken advantage of everything you have given me or done for me and now I've taken even more by breaking your heart.
I want to be close to you but no matter how close we are to each other I still feel distant. I really wanted us to ****ing work, I wanted nothing more than to settle down and have a family with somebody as sweet and kind as you x
I mean maybe we could learn to know each other and maybe we really could develop something deep and meaningful I don't want you out of my life, you're too good for me to let go of, I was just so wrapped up in my feelings that I didn't give things a chance after I told you how I felt. I've walked around the house looking for the rest of the "I love you notes" you left me and gathered what I could find to keep in my jewellery box. I feel like I came out of my last two relationships so battered and bruised that I welcomed somebody who actually treated me right and really loved me, I never really allowed myself time to get to know you because I was just so happy to have somebody who didn't want to hurt me that I never looked deeper. I only saw what we had on the surface and ultimately that wasn't enough, a strong relationship has bonds that run deep, not just superficial actions and words. All I've thought about is myself in this and never really thought about how you truly felt, I just couldn't believe that somebody could come along that might actually be right for me, I didn't want to look deeply I just wanted to feel happy and loved for a change.
I don't know what I'm trying to say to you here but it's along the lines of "I'd like to get to know you better" I can't give up on something good because I'm too frightened to connect with somebody again and risk having my heart broken again. I guess I'm guilty of not loving like I've never loved before, I've loved so many people that didn't feel right that when one came along that felt right on the surface I was scared to look at what was underneath just in case I was wrong.
I want to be close to you Pyi I've just got some seriously thick defences up and now I realise that, I guess I was deluded when I thought I was being open, just talking about things doesn't really mean I'm opening my heart, it seems I do everything superficially because I'm scared of having anything that is really meaningful to me taken away.
I want to be able to look at you and really feel that I know you, feel trust and safety and well as love and dedication and don't just want to feel that coming from you I need to feel it coming from me too, from my heart. I need to allow myself to open my heart back up to those that deserve it and stop pulling away from people that genuinely love me just because of those that have hurt me.
I'm such a ****ing stubborn cow and all I've done is hurt somebody who is genuine towards me, I'm as bad as my exes.
I don't know what else to say or do or where to go from here. I just want you to know that I'd love to have something real with you, not something that just looks good in photographs, something that feels good and strong x
I thought it would be you who would learn the most from this relationship, but in fact it's been me. My reluctance to love and risk pain has prevented me from feeling truly close to you.
And maybe I'm wrong, maybe we really aren't well matched, but I can't honestly say that right now because the truth is I don't know, I can't walk away from this without knowing for sure and I can't give up on this because of my defensive nature. It's only when you truly let down the barriers of your heart to somebody that you learn what place in your heart they have. This is why I'm so confused right now, after six months I never really let you in and never gave myself chance to analyse my true emotion towards you and I'm so sorry x
This morning, I decided to reply her at least once.
[ I hope you'd stop blaming yourself, Carla. As I said, we both are in it together and equally responsible for this breakdown. Give us some time. We both have to be strong. Hope you are ok too. X ]
Below is her last message.
Not sure how I feel, I feel sad for you but as I said I didn't let my feelings run deep so I'm kind of ok, but not really that ok x
I just feel sorry for myself that I've let something good pass me by because of the numerous bad things I've experienced x
And I'm sorry it was you, I never intended to hurt you x
--------------------End of text messages---------------------------
I just wanted to give us both some time to reconnect with ourselves as I feel the answer is within ourselves. So I think I'm not going to contact her (including texts, calling, facebook etc) for a week or two.
I don't know if it is a good idea or if I should let her know that I love her and talk to her asap.
yes you should get together and discuss what u want from each other,go to coun if required about past relationships.
WOW, you relasionship took it's toll on the two of you, but that wasn't your fault you can do much better belive me it totally works