Throughout our relationship we have had petty fights, bickered etc about our differences in how we handle day to day life. I am organized, self driven, anal and can be overdramatic and let things get to me at times esspecially issues at work. She on the other hand is disorganized, lives in the moment, does not think of the consequences and simply wants to just have fun. Recently, esspecially these past few months we have argued and fought more than we ever have. She told me that it started with me not gettting the promotion at work that I had been working towards for over two years. I would come home, be quiet, would not want to talk, would not feel like doing anything. She told me she was shocked and could not believe that someone could let a "job" get to them like that. I became short fused and would get upset about small things that she would do such as not picking up after herself, losing things, drinking too much etc.
The only way I can describe the differences between us is that she is immature and wants to live a life that is similair to a college student. I am working on my career and building the foundation for my future. I would "nag" her about a lot of things such as handling insurance issues, bills, not drinking and driving etc. I really care about her and did not want to see her lose money, get in trouble, or find herself in a perdicament that could have been avoided. She describes this "nagging" as parenting or I treat her as a "roomate". We rarely talked about marriage mostly because I hate the idea that some couples bascially plan their marriage before they are engaged, I wanted it to be a surprise, to be special. A few months ago at a wedding I told her that she is "not wasting her time" that I "see myself being with you for the rest of my life" and that I love her more than anything in the world.
Only 2 weeks ago she came home from a weekend with her family (she has been visiting them many times this summer, nearly every other weekend) and told me that she wanted to go home, that this was not working for her anymore. After prying it out of her she told me that she got drunk and made out with someone and she knew then that she did not have the same feelings anymore. Since then she has moved her stuff out of my house and is living at ther aunts while working her job while she looks for a job back in her hometown. A little over a week after she broke up with me and after her stuff was gone, I sent her a heartfelt text message explaining how much I love her and that I can't imagine living without her and that if she was willing to talk I would like to meet her.
She agreed to meet, we met at a local quiet restaurant late at night and had a very emotional talk for almost an hour. I cried for a lot of it and she cried because I was upset. I have acknowledged all of my corks and faults that I have, I know that I can try to control her at times, that I am anal about things, let things bother me too much, bring work home with me, am boring and not social at times and am cold and insensitive to her feelings at times. I have recognized all of my faults and issues that we had and explained to her that I am willing to change those things, I personally feel that I can change these things about myself because I know that they are contagious and destructive to relationships that I have with people. I proposed that we not get back together right away but to go on a date, meet up, see where it goes, see if I can show her that I am still the person that she fell in love with and spent the last 4 and a half years with. I explained to her that I planned on asking her to marry me this year, she explained that she did not believe that and that there was no indication of that and thought that I would not have been ready for several years.
She did not want to go on a date, she said "I don't want to give you false hope" she said that she did not believe I could change those things, that she just wanted to go home where her family misses her dearly. She also said the last week and a half she felt "relieved" "happy" "could sleep better at night", she said she felt insecure with me and felt like that everything she does was wrong and she could not do anything right. I feel this is the party person in her, that she does not have someone there telling her what to do or how to do it, things that I would do at times and I know is not right. I tried to protect her, to help her be an "adult", she did not even have her own bank account until she moved in with me, I helped her buy her first car, pay her first bills, budget etc. She was not cold when she was talking to me, there was emotion, she was crying.
When we parted ways after our meeting she was crying heavily, I told her that I guess "this is it" "we will never see eachother again", she was shocked that I cared so much for her. She told me she had no idea that I loved her so much and that I would be this upset, she said that she expected me to be somewhat happy that she was out of my life and I did not have to put up with her anymore. The next morning she sent me several text messages telling me that what I said to her hit her hard, that she had no idea tha I felt that way about her, that she is sorry for what happened and that she lost the love that she once had for me. That she belongs in her hometown and that if I ever need to talk she is here or if I ever get to a point where I can talk to her again to contact her. There was more emotion than I can describe here that she displayed, she has told several of my friends that she feels so bad that she hurt me. I told her in that meeting and the text I sent to her before that meeting exactly how much I love her, that I can't imagine living without her, I acknowledged all of my faults, told her I was going to change these things with or without her. I layed all of my cards out, made myself completely vulnerable.
It has been a week since that meeting and I have not contacted her, I did not respond to the text messages she sent to me after that meeting. Everyday I cry, everyday I hurt, everyday I think of her and wonder what she is doing, where she is, who she is with etc. I can't get her off my mind, every little thing I see reminds me of her, being in my house without her is almost unbearable. I keep replaying moments in my mind from the past of things that I could have done differently, that I could have shown her more love, that if I would have just been true to myself and not have put on this hard nosed attitude towards a lot of things and been more laid back then things would have been different. I keep thinking if I would have participated in more activities with her such as intramural sports that she plays and gone out drinking more with her and not worried so much about everything and brought work home with me then things would have been different. She describes herself as a "simple girl" that she does not need much to be happy.
What is killing me the most right now is that I don't even get a chance to correct these issues, that I feel that these petty differences and fights that we had could easily be corrected. I want to be more active, more fun, be less of an adult and more of someone in their 20s, I know she just wanted to have fun, be happy, not be so serious all the time. I'm sitting here thinking of ways to reach out to her before she gets another job and leaves forever. All of my friends tell me that she has made it clear that she is done, I agree with that but I can't see her not having any feelings for me at all after everything we have been through together.She is focusing on everything that was negative about our relationship, I am focusing on everything that was positive, I truly feel that our relationship was about 90% good, 10% bad, the 10% being the past few months starting with my attitude about not getting my promotion.
I feel that I can fix this, that if I had the chance I could show her that I am the man that she once fell in love with, that we spent all that time together and had all those fun moments together. I feel like she owes it to us and everything we have been through to try to mend things, she said "I don't believe in fixing things" "they never work, they just drag the pain on" I don't believe that at all, I believe that if you truly love someone then no damage can be undone.
I apologize for the length of this post, I am just going crazy, I can't sleep, eat, think, have fun, this is virtually eating me alive, I love her so much and don't know what to do. I know that there is a lot of detail here but if there is anything I need to clarify please ask and I will gladly fill in the gaps, any help would be much appreciated, I just feel lost, lonely, like my life has been turned upside down and I don't know where to start.
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