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My boyfriends family treats me like his wife; No boundaries

Posted by
on Sep 15 2013 at 14:18
Member since: 15 September 2013
Relationship advice Having the problem of your boyfriends family liking you too much shouldn't be an issue. It should be a blessing! Right???? In my situation, however, it presents a problem with presumptuous actions/requests and NO boundaries. I've been struggling with my anxiety I get every time they want to make plans and then the guilt I feel over cringing when I see their names pop up on my phone. My boyfriend's family dynamic is as such: Mother(60's), Sister (30's), niece (8); that's it. No other family contacts to focus any attention on. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years now. I've been married and divorced already and he's never married yet. I loved "being a wife" and I hope at some point I can reassume that role, with my boyfriend. However, this is the main issue I have with this family; IM NOT HIS WIFE but they treat me like I am, with all the expectations of hosting family functions, holidays, etc. AND WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER, nor are we engaged. It's assumed that its my space that's always used, and they always expect an invitation. We live at a halfway point between his mothers home and his sisters. So our city is their meeting spot. My home and personal space shouldn't be their family hangout place. They also stopped making plans with my boyfriend because they know he'll say no, and if they put me on the spot I'll say yes. His mother has even asked me to pick up her dry cleaning....when her SON is right here. My family would never act this way. I was raised to handle my own problems and not make them someone else's. I'm currently living ten hours away from my whole family and can only travel home once, maybe twice a year to see my family and close friends. His mother, sister AND 8 yr old niece, have made comments about traveling to my home state for Holidays. My instincts scream ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. My precious week to play with my nephews and see family and friends will not ever be stopped because I have to entertain you where you know nobody, and I'd never put it on my parents to host them. His mother also puts expectations on me like I'm her daughter ( she has one already). She makes comments like "you'll call and check on me this week since my other two wont". They also suggest coming on vacation with my family, birthday BBQs at my house....the list could go on and on. Is it just me, or are they really taking advantage of how nice and welcoming I am to them? I'd never dream of being rude or mean so I've got issues with boundary setting because of their passive aggressiveness. Ive also unloaded a lot of this on to my boyfriend, and this is his only family, so I feel like a real jerk. But being passive aggressive or presumptuous are two huge off putting pet peeves of mine and a ticket to me putting a wall up. How do i combat this without me coming off as the bad guy? They truly like me and that should be wonderful, but they're monster-in-laws with a smile.

My boyfriends family treats me like his wife; No boundaries

Reply from
on Sep 15 2013 at 18:20
Member since: 15 September 2013
Is it a cultural thing?

I know that it's my family's cultural background to welcome serious partners into the fold, so to speak.

It's just our way of showing respect for a person's choice in partner. It seems weird to some people, but that's just the way it is for us.

But I guess the adding responsibilities is a bit much. I was referring more to sharing the love and being inclusive and familiar.

Not that it makes it right, but it could be that they do like you. Chances are they could have no idea they're doing anything weird.

That's happened in our family before. Sometimes you just forget yourself when faced with differing cultures!

My boyfriends family treats me like his wife; No boundaries

Reply from
on Sep 17 2013 at 23:02
Member since: 09 September 2013
It sounds like a pain in the arse, no doubt about it.

I think this is about overstepping boundaries and suggesting things that they should know better about suggesting.

Some of it may be a familial thing, yes, but that doesn't stop it from being inappropriate.

Practice saying no on the little things when you can and say yes only when you feel comfortable with the arrangements. Practice sharing with them why you need to say no at the time - for example, talk about the other holiday arrangements you already had in mind.

Don't feel bad; people often only hang out with their significant other's, much less with their boyfriend's family on rare occasions from time to time.

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