A few months ago my middle-aged husband of 24 years told me he was unhappy in our marriage and that he had been having an affair for a couple of years and was planning to leave me for the other woman. We have three children and considerable assets together and I had thought we had always had a fairly good relationship both emotionally and sexually, the sex was regular and still good and we did not argue or fight too often, we were usually on the same page about a lot of issues such as lifelong goals, raising children, managing money etc. The only thing I felt missing was that for a busy parenting period of our life raising three children close in age, juggling work commitments and with my husband often travelling away from home for work, we had not spent enough time doing as many couple things as we would have liked. Even so this news came as a devastating shock to me. After some counselling and some very emotional and difficult discussions we considered the prospect of staying together and trying to work on some of the issues that had led to the affair and not to toss in what had essentially been a good relationship for the majority of the past 24 years. My husband told me that in reality what he had had with the OW was not worth giving up everything he had with me, his family, his home etc if I was prepared to give him a second chance. I told him that I was prepared to try a reconciliation provided that the triangle situation was ended and the relationship with the OW could be ended so we could be both fully committed to trying to heal our relationship. That conversation happened four months ago and we have been having counselling and working hard at making more time for each other. However he has admitted to me that he has still been meeting the OW on an irregular basis for a coffee here and there. I have told him again that I need this relationship to be over and that for me it can never "just be coffee". He tells me that it is becoming less and less regular and that it is only ever at her instigation, not his and that it is his intention to completely end the contact and that he loves me and is committed to making our relationship work. We are having regular marriage counselling sessions together and also seeing our own individual therapists. He assures me that he is no longer having any physical relationship with the OW and I am fairly confident that he is being honest about this as he is answering all my questions when asked and being extremely accountable for where he is at all times. I do still love him very deeply and hope the best for a future together with him and a better relationship as a result but I am being eaten up inside by the knowledge that this OW is still in the picture (even if only irregularly for a coffee). My husband is one of the world's greatest procrastinators and doesn't do anything quickly and it is proving to be the case with respect to ending the contact with the OW. I truly believe that he does not want our marriage to be over and does not want to give up his family but I suspect he is hoping he can take as long as he pleases to terminate his relationship with the other woman. I have told him that by continuing contact with her he is actually ruining the chances of our marriage healing and that we can't move forward as a couple while we are still a threesome and he agrees. I am not sure when and where to draw my line in the sand given that for me to issue an ultimatum my mean that I find myself on my own for the first time in nearly 30 years and with three children still to continue raising and with a whole range of other financial and lifestyle problems and difficulties to deal with. Any advice from anyone who has been there and done that (either by staying in a relationship after an affair or working when it was time to get out) would be greatly appreciated.
he must end the affair for the marriage to survive.He cannot have both things.Just tell him that,he needs to be serious about his future,goodluck.