Too complicated to continue? Need friendship advice, please!
So, to anyone who's reading this, please bear with me. A lot of this is complicated and probably seems a bit juvenile, but I could really use someone's advice. Around a year ago one of my really good friends came out to me. I am fully supportive of the gay community and was really very happy that she had the courage to come out and tell me. I even had doubts about my sexuality and still believe to this day that I may very well be bisexual, so I was 100% supportive. A few months later she confessed that she had strong feelings for me and had for quite a while. I wasn't super surprised and, when I had to tell her I didn't reciprocate her feelings, neither was she. She knew I didn't feel for her that way, but I guess it was still kind of hard on her. We continued to be friends and weeks went by, occasionally we'd talk about her sexuality and mine, but that was about it. Eventually I became interested in someone at our school and in a few months he and I began dating. My friend took this really hard and it was very difficult for me to handle both her feelings and his. He knew of how she felt for me, so that made him uncomfortable and jealous, and she knew of how he felt for me, so that made her uncomfortable and jealous. After a long while of trying to divide my time and keep everyone happy, I realized that I was just about impossible for me to do so. I couldn't say to him, 'sorry, my best friend has feelings for me so we can't date, 'cause she'll get upset.' But I couldn't say to her, 'sorry, I don't care about your feelings, he means more to me than you do.' I realize that this doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but I must mention that my friend has a whole bunch of other problems of her own. Due to past childhood experiences, she doesn't think that fondly of herself and feels like she's inadequate. She thinks she's fat, when she's skinny. She thinks she's ugly, when she's not. And to top that all off, she was raised a Christian in a highly religious household, so she has strong feelings of guilt and shame and confusion because of her homosexual feelings and that she has to keep them secret. Eventually all of these things combined together and turned into depression, self harm and then suicidal feelings. For the past few months I've been desperately trying to help her along with my other friends. We've taken her to the ER, we've gotten her in touch with psychiatrists and therapists, I made a safety plan for her, and at one point, I even confiscated her blade from her. I try to talk to her and give her advice when she needs it and is feeling down, but she always seems to block it out and doesn't accept my help. And the fact that she's still not over me, makes this situation so much more difficult. I just can't seem to comfort her when thinking of me causes her problems. She's had multiple outbreaks because of things I've said or things she's learned about my relationship with my partner and every time she manages to get over, but I believe that each time she's ignored me for a few days, it just gave me time to become guilty and then angry at her because I felt guilty for something that really isn't my fault. I have a boyfriend. And she has to learn to deal with that. She's even caused riffs in my romantic relationship because of all the drama she creates. It's unhealthy for all parties involved. Our friendship is definitely not the same and we can feel it. At times it feels forced and when we just want to have a nice lighthearted hang out, we can't. It always ends up going sour. We have had one talk about our friendship and where it's going and whether we should continue to be friends and ultimately, I told her that she should choose what ever she thinks is best for her. After much debate she wanted to stay friends. So we're still friends. But I can't ignore that I actually was a bit disappointed with her decision. All I want is for her to get better, to not be depressed anymore, and be the friend we all once knew. I just don't know if I can keep dealing with her emotional ups and downs in the meantime. So, I guess what I'm asking is, what do you think should be done? Should we end this friendship? Is it worth it to try to preserve, even though we always just end up hurting each other? Me, by my actions and her, by her feelings. Any advice would be totally welcome. I have gotten some from close people around me but, I'd really like to hear what someone from the outside thinks of all this. Thank you so much!
its better not to be friends atleast close friends with homo since they can fall for you,just be friendly,dont be that close ,people will get hurt
Honestly, as someone who's been on both sides of this situation (same-sex crushes that weren't reciprocated along with ones I didn't reciprocate), I just want to say that love can REALLY mess a person up.
Especially when that love isn't one that's exactly appreciated by society.
Maybe she is, but I don't think your friend is crazy. She's trying to hold it together the best she can.
Is she part of a gay community of some kind? Like a support group? It really sounds like she's struggling with her feelings for you because you're her lifeline.
When you first come out, it's very scary (especially for someone with so much negative influence!) and you tend to cling to anyone who will accept you.
If she was able to get out into the world and realize her sexuality is normal, she might also realize that she's just a regular girl who is just as worthy of love as anyone else.
You really sound like you care for her, and that's great. I think there's a good friendship there, but it's currently being blocked because she's still not that confident of her sexuality.
Once she gets there, I think you'll see a change.