Coping with a moody partner
My partner of 11 years has always been moody. He will barely say a word to me and anything I say is wrong. I get one word answers at best and the atmosphere is awful. These moods can last for weeks and then, out of the blue, he'll be back to his normal nice self. Problem is, these moods are affecting my mood. When he's like that, it really worries me and I'm not as happy because he isn't happy. I've tried everything I can think of to sort this out. If I ask him if anything's bothering him, it makes him more annoyed. If I say he seems upset or in a bad mood, he says I can't expect him to be in a good mood all the time. He thinks it's normal. But I think most people are only like this if something has upset them. I've tried ignoring his moods and just leaving him be, but he then gets annoyed and says I'm being moody! It's getting worse as years have gone by, his last mood lasted for over 2 months. He's also very negative about absolutely everything and seems happiest if he is getting angry about something, anything. He got angry when we were getting a takeaway because the lady asked him if he wanted a large or small chip. He said he just wanted a normal chip. Other times, he complained because they only offered a standard size. I had to apologise for him as the lady looked upset. This sort of thing happens daily. How can I learn to cope with this as it's really depressing me. It's like it's taking all the joy out of life.
He sounds like the textbook definition of a passive aggressive. I would confront him about it. It's awful living with that kind of person. I would approach him about his anger problem. Tell him that as much as he denies that it is an issue, that you are observing him day by day and that his moods are affecting you. This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship pattern, so he's got to change something. Obviously, you are willing to help. Also, don't be embarrassed for his behavior when you're in public - that's all on him. Anyways, if he has trouble dealing with the little things every day that bother him, he needs to learn better ways to cope with his anger. This is sort of emotional abuse he's putting you through (you're always wrong no matter what; it just isn't good enough) and he really needs to reevaluate that behavior. Remember that you deserve better treatment than that and don't be shy about letting him know sometimes. Just remember that if you want to try to be there as he actively pursues solving this problem, then stay understanding, compassionate, and supportive- but let him know you can't take any ill treatment. Tell him you'd rather be emotional support for him than to be treated like an annoyance and hindrance when he is irritated. I hope this helps!
PS I wouldn't eliminate the idea of counseling. Also, reading books on the subject of passive aggressiveness, dealing with anger, emotional abuse - or articles you find on the web can be informative, helpful, reassuring, and inspiring for both of you.
Thanks so much Sissy. I've talked to him many times over the years and he is usually very sweet about it. He says he'll change and is sorry for upsetting me. But it's just words, his moods are actually getting worse as he gets older. Now, he makes jokes about how I think he's angry, as if I must be crazy and mocks me. I did look into counselling but there's no chance we could afford it. Though, even if we could, I know he would just say all the right things, like he does with me and still not change anything. He is very convincing and kind at these times and I'm always so desperate that I believe him. I've told him he can talk to me about anything that bothers him, but I want him to stop taking his anger out on me. Again, he agrees, apologises, makes promises but nothing changes. He was always like this but I stupidly thought I would make him happy and he would stop. I feel life must be miserable for him too, being like he is, but he insists he's happy and says he loves me.
Yeah, that's tough. I know how that feels. Sometimes that person has eroded our sense of justice, truth, and self love so deeply by their negative behavior that we believe their false promises, even if just for a little while. He has kept you hanging constantly by a thread because he knows it's the best way to play you: get you to feel desperate, to feel like you are the one who did something wrong, and then play you like a poppet with his lies. You are right about everything: he will probably fake his way through the counseling, say what you wish to hear but not mean it, and drag you along for an even longer awful ride where you get nothing he promised you once upon a time. You need to take care of you, get out of the relationship, and prompt him to truly take care of his issues.
By walking away, you aren't necessarily shutting him out or leaving him in the cold. You're making a choice to love yourself by consciously choosing to walk away and live a happier life and to stop enabling the destructive behavior of others because you care. You can't try to soften the blow of his problems - it isn't really helping him, and neither is staying by his side because you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who would rather always lift you up rather than talk you down and make you feel uninspired or unhappy. I wish you best Kandy <3
Does he communicate well? Does he know why he wants to sit pretty, almost comfortably, fuck the rest of u, this is my mood! Is he liking this way of his?
Hi Kandy, I'm in a very similar situation. My partner of 4 years has a very short fuse. To the outside world he is charming and very popular and an 'easy-going' guy. The truth is that every little thing irritates him. His mood-swings can be anything from every 5 minutes in one day to a 2 month period. When something/someone irritates him he immediately comes and vents at me. When I ask him not to take his moods out on me he tells me not to take it personally or not to 'take it on'. When I ask him what's bothering him he will deny it and say that it is in fact ME who is in a mood and behaving strangely. Anything I try to discuss gets thrown back at me as MY behaviour, MY moods, etc. It's impossible to resolve anything. I've made it clear that I will not accept emotional abuse and suggested that he find a tool to manage his anger, but he says all men are moody and blow their tops - it's 'normal'??? On top of that I think he is addicted to porn. He knows I know that he watches it secretly. His justification is that I have a low sex drive and he has a high sex drive and because of that he needs a release, and at least porn is not cheating???? I've tried to accept him the way that he is. I do love him. When the dark clouds are away he is generous and takes good care of me. BUT not emotionally. He is very unaffectionate even tho he knows I desire that more than anything. He says he's trying but the way he touches me seems almost mocking. He says that he doesn't know how, but he seems to know how to caress the cat or a dog? How different can that possibly be? I'd really like to make things work, but he is resistant to anything I suggest. The only way I seem to get him to talk rationally without the usual passive-aggression is to pack my bags. Obviously this is not a solution. I don't know if I'm just wasting my life with this man.
Get creative, and tell your spouse you both are trying a new approach to communication and problem solving, and both of you will do an excersise for each conflict that arises, by pretending to counsel your own ordeals as though ordeals were another couples.