An intriguing problem
I've been struggling with an issue for a while now, and I can't seem to come up with a viable solution. Here is the story: I am new to college. I meant this girl a about a month before classes started. We've interacted sporadically over the past three months. She has a boyfriend, and our friendship is strictly that - a friendship. However, she's been experiencing troubles - she's told me that her boyfriend has cheated on her (from what I can gather, many times), but she's never formally broken up with him. But it's a lot more complicated than that. For one, she has severe abandonment issues, and she's taking his cheating horribly (in other words, she's taking it horribly, but won't break up with him). Two, I am platonically interested in her. I have asexual tendencies, but I am interested in a relationship. And three, she's been with him for a year. However, I don't know if there are any underlying problems with the relationship that would encourage him to cheat. She's mentioned communication issues, but nothing else. That leads me to three questions: One, is it right for me to encourage her to breakup with him? And if so, how should I approach it? Two, assuming I get her to breakup with her boyfriend, is it right to ask her to be my girlfriend? And if so, how should I approach it (again, I'm only interested in a platonic relationship). And three, can I have a functioning relationship as an asexual? Thank you for any help you may post.
Your dealing with a girl who has abandonment issues and therefore needs a strong healthy relaitionship. She need to make up her mind that the relationship has to end with him. I do not think it would be a good idea to ask her out until enough time has passed after she breaks up otherwise, you may wind up being a rebound relationship used to try to get him back. As far as asexuality and a plutonic relationship goes you mine as well just remain good friends. She will more than likely need more from a relationship and if you are not both on the right page she will take the lack of sexual advances as rejection.
Thank you, Golfnut, for your advice. However, I still have two unanswered questions (one I came up with from your post). One, how do I get her to break up with her boyfriend, and is it right of me to try to do so? Two, if I mention to her that I"m interested in a platonic relationship, which by no means means that I have "rejected" her, can this work? I am interested in a relationship, just not one with a sexual component.
It's obvious that her relationship is bad for her.
If you give her advice and an outside perspective on it while removing yourself from any motives besides ensuring she is more happy and free because you care as a friend, then it is most certainly ok to let her know that you think this is not a good relationship and that it would be more healthy for her to leave and find a better relationship where she can be more happy.
If you ask to be her boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with when or exactly how it's done as long as you're not taking advantage of her when she's feeling low and you both feel good about that choice.
Tell her you want it to be platonic. Straight up is okay.
You can have a functioning relationship as an asexual; it will just be different from your average relationship. Maybe you can meet more likeminded people you'll be able to talk with this about. There's no rules on how to make a human connection, really :] You just make it work and express what you feel like expressing to other people while they do the same.
Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm asexual too! (I do not meet too many people who are).
I've had quite a few relationships fall apart because I'm asexual. Lots of hurt feelings and crushed self-esteem. People don't get it.
But it does happen. I mean, I'm married.
It takes some negotiation, because other people won't be open about their sexuality, but it can happen.
You can't easily get her to breakup. She has to be made to read the scum on the wall. If he has cheated and does not deal with it properly then she need no more obvious signal than that. Simply advise her that you are there to help so she does not have to worry. Honesty in term of your sexuality is the best policy and if she cannot accept that YOU must accept that you have a very good friend on your hands and nothing more.
Thank you everyone for your responses. However, things are going badly (or good, depending on your PoV). I recently invited her to lunch to discuss the topic, which she accepted, but not before bringing her boyfriend along with her, which made the topic hard to discuss (and no, I didn't even bring it up). They seem to be doing better, but there was obvious tension between the two - they are very argumentative and I don't think she's completely gotten over his cheating. This is very frustrating, and I'm not sure what to do anymore.
continue to show her what a real gentleman is like and wait for her to come around. If it meant to be it will be.