My life partner wants me to accept him connecting with young girls
I'm getting close to desperation and need some objective advice urgently. I live on a farm that is also a community (someone might even go as far to say it's a "commune") and I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years with the main founder of the place and consider him my life partner.
This whole time we have had an open relationship. When me or him have left the farm, we have been with other people. This has worked out great and there has been no jealousy because when ever we've been physically together again, we've only been with each other and have not talked about the others.
Now he wants and demands that we'll be open also when we are both here, with the people who are here, which is tricky because we live with these other people and do everything together. Some people, usually young, come here to learn only for a short time and then they leave and usually never come back. He is a very touchy, loving person and always connects well with people. He is telling me how badly he wants to connect with girls who come here (the ones he likes seem to be quite a bit younger than him, my age is in the middle of them) in a deep heart-connection way because he has so much love to give. He has understood that it's way too hard for me to see him be "together" with another person right in front of my eyes in my own home and has suggested a "compromise": that he'll go out of our farm for a weekend trip with whoever he wants to be with intimately, then both of them come back and continue normal like nothing happened. I would feel so bad for those other girls because there is a huge risk they will fall in love with him, I can already feel that from lots of girls and he hasn't even gone anywhere with them. He sais he knows they fall for him but that he doesn't care, because he makes sure before anything happens that he really loves me and will never leave me for another person and sais that the girls' feelings are not his responsibility. I'm afraid the others would get feelings of jealousy or possessiveness when they would come back after a weekend like that. Or is this just the jealous possessive me projecting this? Can lots of young girls keep their emotions aside and take the weekend as fun and "just sex" and fully accept that he will return to me to share his life with?
Can this kind of arrangement really work? Can I somehow work on my insecure, jealous, selfish (?) feelings and make them disappear? Can I truly be satisfied with the fact that in the end of the day he chooses me as the "mama bear" that he sais he wants to have kids with? Or should I stay true to my real feelings and hope that he'll realize that it's already a lot -and enough, for him to be with as many girls as he wants when either one of us is gone (he hardly ever leaves the farm that but I do) and when I'm unaware (=unable to get jealous)?
My boyfriend is not leaving me many choices; either I fully accept him "the way he is" and let him take off with girls for trips sometimes when he has a "deep connection" (which in all honesty I don't think would happen very often, maybe couple of times a year, but who knows?) or we break up now because he wants to "be himself" and doesn't want to live on any other terms than his anymore. I do realize that these demands are not coming from a loving place and he is on some kind of power trip, probably taking me for granted and telling himself I will bend because I don't want to loose him. I don't want to loose him because I love him very much and I know we could have an amazing family together but bending to his demands feels like betraying myself and allowing him do something degrading to our relationship.
I'm very divided with these thoughts and unable to come to a logical conclusion. I love the life we have created and can't seem to let go of the dreams we have together.
-To share or not to share?
this arrangement will not work in the long run,there will be feelings,jealousy and hurt for you and others.goodluck
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope my words can help you in some way.
Wow. OK, where to start, huh? First off, You commented that he is older, right? Well, the older the man, the more direct or exact he is about conveying his feelings. He is telling you exactly what he wants. The idea that he already hasn't engaged with these young girls in such a way depends on the solidarity he has in his relationship with you and your trust in him.
Second, you already have a open relationship with him. Are you two still doing that, or is this something you have stopped but, are okay with him still doing? If you aren't and he is, you may want more monogamy and are ready to have a more settled or confirmed relationship.
Third, do not start sleeping with people in your community. Its all very messy. It's in your face and his face and you kind of have an idea of how that will end. These young girls will throw it in your face, and won't mind battling with you or the next girl about her position (or strength in relation) that she has with him. It doesn't matter if you live with him- they will only see you as the roomy and won't think much of respecting space when he's out and about with you.
You also asked a lot of good questions for yourself. It may not be so much if it can work or not. It has more to do with what your willing to live with. Can you live with the fact that he still wants these hook ups? Do you really want to raise children with a man that has random hook ups with the neighbors? Can you live with one of these hook ups resulting in a child? (which could happen...)
He is taking you for granted, and its time for you to think your options through. You don't have to put up or deal with any of this. Its all about what you aren't or are willing to live with; If you can't- walk away. If you can, than do so without being salty about it. Don't say yes just to keep him. You do need to let him know what it is he needs to do to keep you. If he does not consider your feelings, or wants; If he doesn't even want to meet you half way, then he's answered everything for you right there.
Thank you very much for your thoughts! He is 8 years older than me and about 16 years older than the girls he usually wants to be with.
I'm very glad he hasn't cheated on me behind my back like most men do. At least he is being completely honest with me about what he wants and needs.
It's been our rule that we have an open relationship when either one is gone from our farm (for example when I go visit my home country). Now he sais that was only my rule, never his and that he never agreed to it (but let me think he did). So we are strongly disagreeing about this detail.
I don't mind him being with others when I'm gone (if I don't find out about it) because I think it's natural for men (and perhaps also women) to want to be with many partners and by letting him do that freely can have a huge impact on our future and we might be able to stay longer together as partners because of it (lots of couples break up because of cheating).
We have talked about having a family and he has said that if I would get pregnant now, he probably wouldn't want to be much with others and most probably wouldn't do it. We have discussed not sleeping with our tribe members who live or will live here long term. He seems to want to be mainly with volunteers who come and go.
Yes I can live with the fact that he wants to have sex with other people. That's natural.
I'm pretty sure we will be more monogamous if and when we have a family.
Apparently he tells everybody who he wants to have sex with that if they would get pregnant, he would want them to abort and if she wouldn't, he wouldn't want to take care of the child or want them to move here. He does use condoms but yes it's possible someone might get pregnant. But he sais he wouldn't leave me for that.
I know he is taking me for granted and that hurts because I've given up lots of things to be with him and live this life out of the system. I tell him I need us to be good and want to feel like he really wants and tries to make me happy -before I can be ok with him going on trips with others.
I believe that a relationship needs to be steady and good before it can be open. If he will meet me halfway, I'll be open to meet him there. Maybe there could be an arrangement with rules and boundaries that I'd be ok with. But first I need to find out if he is willing to work for making us better and not just think with his dick.
Thanks for being there for me! It's highly appreciated!
Your post is full of 'if's and 'probably's and 'maybe's, Kalixa. Do you really think that this guy - who has decided he wants a love life without limits - can commit to you alone and settle down if you get pregnant? You cannot go by what someone says but by their actions. You cannot risk your child not having a father around. Men who are attracted to much younger women are quite often immature themselves emotionally and cannot maintain relationships with partners their own age until they grow up a lot. This guy wants to play the field and doesn't want to commit to just one person. You know deep down he cannot be trusted to be loyal only to you. Be honest with yourself and don't live on 'maybe's and false hopes. You will be hurt so much when you see him chasing younger women. Get out now before all your self-esteem and self-confidence is completely sucked out. Do this for yourself and your sanity. There ARE men in this world who want to commit to just one person and, when you love yourself more, you will find one of them.
Kalixa, get out now. Men who prefer younger lovers are quite often emotionally immature themselves. You know deep down he will not commit to you. Don't waste your time living on 'maybe's and false hope. You will get very hurt when he goes with these young women. And so probably will they. This man only wants to please himself, no one else. There are better, more mature men out there and you should look for one while you still have some sanity and self-esteem left.
Sorry for the double post - I thought the first one didn't go through. Or maybe it needed to be said twice.
Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too! There is only acceptance if you are both on equal footing and can handle the involvement of all these different people. You have as much right to see other on or off the farm. If that arrangement works then fine. If neither one of you are comfortable then change has to occur in order for there to be any kind of meaningful relationship. If not, then move on to greener pastures. Good Luck!