I've put myself in a horrible situation
Alright.. well here we go. I had been in a relationship with a man on and off for 5 years. I moved in with him when I was 17. My parents weren't around and didn't care to even look my way. jim took me in and took care of me, I felt more love from him than anyone in my life. He was and is still my very best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. I lived with him most of the time, but he had an issue with being faithful. After cheating on me again, I finally told him I had enough. Months went by without us speaking to eachother. I lost my place and needed some where to go. Of course he was there to pick me up again like always. We spent a lot of time together, but i told him we weren't getting back together. I didn't trust him and I wasn't going to let myself get hurt again. Alright.... here's where it gets messy. This year on new years I met landon. The complete and total opposite of jim, but so interesting and exciting to me. Really hanging out with Richard was just for fun, I was trying to just trying to enjoy myself, meet new people. I told jim i was seeing someone else and we stopped talking for a few months. I began spending a lot of time with landon and developed very strong feelings for him... i hadnt been that happy in years . He was everything I had ever wanted in a man. I was the happiest I had been in YEARS. After about 5 months of us dating, he was sent to work release for 6 months to do some time for a prior DUI. I thought I would be okay with all of this, but i began to feel extremely lonely and made a huge mistake. I called jim, mainly because he's the only person that knows how to cheer me up. He willingly talked to me about my new relationship and was there for me as a friend. We began hanging out, trying to restore our relationship as friends. Well, i'm sure you all know how that went. I cheated on landon. I felt so terrible that i would do that to him after knowing how that feels. This went on for months, and I don't know why I didn't stop this before. But here i am now.. i've broken up with landon, telling him im confused and need to work on myself. i also told tim the same thing. now they're both hurt. and i'm hurt for hurting them. i never wanted to be in a situation like that but now i'm at a lose. I want to just tell them both imm done and to leave me alone but i cant lose 2 of the most important people in my life. I just don't know what i want in life. no matter what i do, im going to hurt someone, and myself. I'm just lost and need advice so i can feel happy again.
You don't love Jim as a partner - you are dependent on him and grateful to him which is completely different. He became a father figure to you when you needed someone to care for you. But a love partner deserves your full commitment. You have to get out of the habit of running back to Jim for help. You have to learn to manage your life by yourself, like an adult. No other non-family person should or can be your 'parent'. You cna be your own parent and care for and nurture yourself. Take a long hard think about Landon and decide if you see him as a partner or another parent substitute. Your parents didn't care for you so you transfer this parental 'need' to your lovers. You won't find real equal love until you grow up emotionally and become independent. Yes, you made a mistake but we all do and that's how we learn about ourselves and life. Don't beat yourself up - just learn. Think long and hard about this lesson before either going back to Landon or finding someone else.